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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I'm sorry if this is going to be long, but I really need advice. My boyfriend was recently diagnosed with herpes and I am having a hard time dealing with it. When he heard the news he said he was surprised by his own reaction when he didn't cry or break down, he said to me "at least I'm not dying" but to me it came as a huge shock. I wasn't expecting those results when he had the test. I have since then researched herpes and tried to find a support group for people who ahve it or get std counseling for couples and I have been emailing him information I've found and all the things are going through my head like what our future will be like and our kids and how I don't want to get infected whether or not I'm pregnant and what this really means to us. I almost broke up with him because he was acting as if it won't make any difference in our lives if we ever get married. We both don't do anything sexual with each other at all, (no petting, rubbing, vaginal, oral, rectal, manual stimulation--unless he has herpes simplex ! too, which I probably already have because it's mostly in the mouth area and I could have contracted it by kissing him)so I know my risk now is almost nonexistent, but what if we get married and want kids and I don't want this virus in my body in the first place whether or not i have kids...he didn't have a choice when he got herpes, but i do, and I think the health of myself and my kids are important and I don't want to put myself in the position that they'll contract something from me or somehow get it. Yet, I believe if two people want to get married, they both understand the risk and both are fully aware of what the other has or doesn't have and agree to face whatever comes in the future..like in the vows...in sickness and in health till death do us part....that is love...yet I alos believe love is not wanting your partner to go through the same thing you're going through and wanting to protect and save them from that...and I don't see this from him...he expects me to just get dragged into infection with him without uttering a word and just because i'm with him makes me obligated to get the virus. We are NOT even remotely considering the idea of getting married, but I need him to know the truth of how i feel about it before we go any further and that's why I wnated to break up with him in the first place, because who knows if my feelings about him or getting infected will change? Maybe they won't and I won't want to get married to him if we get to that point and it will hurt even worse then than it will now. Or everything can come up roses and I'll change my mind and unconditionally love him and not care about contracting herpes. Now, I know I'm not at that point or still dealing with his diagnosis, but it just makes me not want to say or do anything that is future oriented. I don't want to make him feel worse about him having herpes, but I don't want him to think it won't affect us or that it hasn't already. I feel like I'm angry with him for being stupid enough to ahve unprotected sex with all these women when he knew better about all the risks he was taking. He was 18 years old and well educated on how to have safe sex, and now it's shown up in an otherwise great relationship and almost literally bitten him in the butt...I'm suffering too. Yet, we had a talk and I told him I migth ahve overreacted with the idea of breaking up and that I'll support him whatever the blood test comes out to be (because he was only examined physically by a doctor who told him she was 90 percent sure it was herpes) and we are waiting until monday and I don't know what else to do if it comes out positive. I am not going to break up with him because it comes back positive and we aren't having any sex with each other or getting freaky so he isn't going to infect me, and we aren't getting married or even thinking about it, so why break up? I don't know what to think or say to him though if the blood test comes up positive--an anyone help? thank you so much
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broke up, herpes, kissing, std, unprotected sex, vagina Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, nicolexue  +, writes (11 January 2008):
 you'd better go to doctor or ask STD couselor at STDromance..com
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there, thanks so much for your reply. I have been turning everywhere for someone to understand and it feels so good to find someone who has been in a similar situation. Thank you so much, and yes, I will most likely take you up on your offer and give you a personal message--thanks again so much for the advice--I really appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (3 June 2006):
 I was in your position when I met my current boyfriend. He told me straight away he had herpes and I freaked out completely. I thought that nothing would ever happen between us because of this, as I would never be able to touch him sexually.
However, I fell in love with him and did some research into herpes. We are very careful, never have unprotected sex and don't do anything when he has an attack, he's very eager to protect me and I trust he won't put me in any danger.
There's no reason you two can't have happy life together, sexually and otherwise, just because he has herpes. Yes, he's been stupid and done things with people he didn't care about that he'll never get to do with the woman he loves but that's his loss. I get mad sometimes but I've accepted it and you have to move past this, as hard as it is.
I understand it's worse for you, you've found out since you've been with him whereas my boyfriend knew at the time I got with him. I suppose it depends how he deals with it, it sounds like he hasn't freaked out too badly! As long as he comes to terms with it and you are both very safe whenever you decide to get intimate, there are worse things he could've caught. I always say to him, it's bad and all that but with the amount of times he's put himself at risk, he should think himself lucky this is all he caught.
There are drugs you can take to stop having an attack so when the time comes to try for children, if you choose to do it naturally, then he can take them. Trust me, I know it seems awful now but it will get easier. When you've looked into it more you'll see there's no reason you two can't enjoy a happy relationship.
Don't ruin something good because of some stupid mistake he made. I understand completely if you can't get over this but that's your decision. Take some time to come to terms with this and support him too, it must be worse for him deep down, no matter how he acts on the surface. I honestly understand you, honey, I've been there but now, me and my boyfriend enjoy a great relationship. Of course it's not ideal but when is anything in this life? Just enjoy your time together, this will get easier, I promise.
If you want to send me a personal message please feel free. Good luck
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