A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, we've been in a relationship my boyfriend and I for 8 mth, we live together, he is a musician, gets hard for him to be talkative so I beleive he is not that skillful linguistically, and I understand the musician he is and how introvert he could get.I am more extrovert than he is, and beleive that language is the most useful tool humans have and if they do not use it well they can get physical and use the body language which can be very primitive sometimes.Three months ago he started pretending he hits me as a response to stupid jokes or false ideas I tell.But the repititions ignored led him to actually touch me jokingly and gently but the idea is still agressive.I took it as an alert and talked with him about it and I was somehow furious, he apologized.Recently, after a while of not repeating his hand gesture pretending he will hit, he did it in public but i was so close to him his hand touched my cheak. it was just a touch but I got so angry especially that it was the first time in public, and ... It really hurts inside, because when I give him the real me and be myself with him things tend to loosen up, and then I have to be more ... blocking again.I really love him, but I need your help in finding out whether I am exagerating or being too anxious about him not behaving well with me... is it a sign of stress? is it me? is he loosing his love for me or having too much to express? this is a bit confusing for me. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 June 2017):
 Trust your instincts. Sounds like your instincts are "suggesting" that there might be a real hit coming soon. You might well be in a dangerous situation. REAL men don't hit someone they love or even pretend to do it. The next pretend hit may be the real thing. My advice is to find a less threatening person to love. Defend yourself by leaving this knuckle head.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (10 June 2017):
 Okay so if you're not the type of person to 'leave' and the good time outweighs the bad, why are you asking for opinions at all as you're clearly going to ignore them?
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (10 June 2017):
No ultimatum...get out now! All he needs to do is lose his temper a bit more than he has, and POW...you get a a strong hit, maybe several. He'll apologize, of course, but that isn't worth anything. I don't know of any guys who do this...it is extreme behavior...very threatening in the least.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2017): Mock-violence is as bad as real violence. It leaves to question whether that person will eventually execute the real thing? In most cases, they will. It's not funny for a male to swing at, or even pretend to hit a female. To me, that demonstrates aggression, immaturity, and disrespect.
You got angry, but you weren't effective in conveying your total dislike and disdain for aggressive or violent gestures; even if they are only pretend. Put some backbone behind it. Take a pause, gather your composure; then say it aloud.
Tell him straight-out and with real true-conviction. Never swing at you or pretend to hit you. Never means never!!! Next time it happens, you will leave him then and there.
Don't make idle threats, or whimper like a coward.
Keep in-mind that once it actually brushed your cheek!
Sorry doesn't mean bullsh*t, when you've address the same issue before!
Mock-hitting, wrestling, and boxing is something males do between us to show dominance. It's testing each others strength over the other.
It is not performed with females unless she is into being tough; and she is the aggressive-type of female who likes to play rough. Even then, she should be the one to initiate it; and when she stops, you stop!!! Even if she is physically stronger than you, you tap-out. You don't engage your masculine strength. That is violent male-behavior. It takes it from play to confrontation. One of my father's most strict rules when I was growing up as boy.
Give him the final ultimatum. Then you have to decide you have to leave him, my dear. He has a problem, and even after warning him; he didn't have the respect to heed your warning and take you seriously.
It bothers you so much, that you have sought our advice. I hope you will use it.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 June 2017):
 I also see the red flags, but I'm seeing something else as well. He is starting to relax around you and treating you like one of the guys.
There may be a language problem here but you telling false ideas sounds on the edge of emotional abuse. This could be a 2 way street.
Lots to worry about.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am also not the leave you type, I pretty much count.
Too much more important stuff we've been through,
much more important such as good times, well shared responsibilities and great commitment, so I can't even compare.
Today I talked to him about it in the morning and told him how aggressive this gesture may look even though he meant joking and did notreally hit or hurt.
He said that he used to do this a lot with his friends men as a jokewhen saying something stupid, then I told him to keep this betwee him and his friends not me.
He had a self deception facial behaviour and felt awkward when I talked with him about it.
Hope it won't happen again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2017): After reading your question again. I noticed you used the words "angry" and "furious" like I did in that proverb I sent. This is a classic sign that his anger is rubbing off on you as anger breeds anger. This is why you should never stay with an angry or furious MAN because you don't want to become like him. I Must go. I'm starting to feel angry at him!?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2017): Take it from someone who knows. My last disastrous fling, started hitting me as I was falling asleep, punching and kicking me in my own bed. If only I could have seen into the future that he is violent by nature. Then, one of his "friends" started mock punching me in the face, in public, this was a huge red flag as I have been actually violently beaten up and raped by a "friend" before. The guy I was kinda with stood there and watched as his "friend" did this and then asked for a cuddle after the deed was done. Get out. He will start hitting you for real soon enough. Please keep your precious self safe.I did and I live to tell the tale."Make no friendship with an angry MAN, And with a furious MAN do not go"See? the Bible is not all about forgiveness or allowing yourself to be mistreated ;)
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (9 June 2017):
I agree with the others.
How long until he actually starts hitting you?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 June 2017):
 Honestly? I think it's a red flag. And I don't think there is a GOOD excuse for him to do this.
However, HE will continue because there are no consequences from your end, giving him a stern "lecture" does not make him understand that it's unacceptable after all, he got it in his head that it's OK "enough" that he did it in public.
YOU have to decide of this is a no-go or not.
I'd look for another place to live. I would not put up with that kind of crap.
There is nothing FUNNY in the way he is "trying" to hit you. IT needs to stop or I'd be out the door. THAT he really needs to get through his thick skull.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 June 2017):
 This is an instance of 'it's not you, it's him'. This is who he is and I would be very wary of him. It's inherent in him to express himself in this way... Today it's in jest, tomorrow it might be for some other reason... And this is something that will always be in him. He curbs it in front of you (for now) because he knows that you don't like it but it still comes out when he's in his element and in the flow of things. It's certainly not a sign of stress because this is not how normal people vent themselves! If this is how HE deals with stress then you better get out quick.
Deal breaker- yes.
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