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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: It's our 5th wedding anniversary today. My husband is on a business trip. He is due back this weekend, which is when we will be celebrating by going to dinner and the theatre and then staying at a hotel in the city.However, last night I sent him a sweet message saying it is 5 years ago that we began our adventure together and that I would not change a thing and that I will forever be grateful that he is in my life. I then said good night to him and left it.First off, he usually says good night but last night it was around midnight and I still had not heard from him. So, since it was officially our 5 year at midnight, I sent him that sweet message along with good night.I see at around 1 a.m. he opened my message but never replied.I then sent him a message saying I saw he opened it but did not answer. I asked him if everything is okay?He responded that he did not want to wake me up and said Good night. That was it.I opened that message this morning. And it is now almost 1 p.m. our time and I have heard nothing from him.It is our anniversary. I sent him a sweet message at midnight. He saw it. But he did not answer. Nor seem to even acknowledge my words. And when he did answer, because I sent him a second message, he just said he did not want to wake me and good night. I am not even sure he would have said good night at all had I not messaged him first.I am feeling very hurt. Like our anniversary does not mean a thing to him. He did not acknowledge it last night and so far today he has not acknowledged it either.He knows I worry when he does not contact me. Yet he seems to keep me hanging anyway. I am not sure if he is being passive aggressive on purpose? It really isn't the best time to be hurtful on an anniversary. It just seems awfully mean. :(What do I do now?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2017): It's the OP.
Wise Owl, I needed to read your response.
You really are a wise man.
Thank you.
You have nailed it.
And I see it all differently now.
He got back today. I was not expecting him back early. So, yes he did surprise me! And he got me a pretty necklace and flowers. He felt bad I was upset. He was very sweet and affectionate. It was exactly as you said. He was just distracted with work. But he still does love me. And he said he is happy to be home because he has me to come home to.
Thanks again. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2017): Is your marriage only sweet around the time of your anniversary?
How does he treat you between anniversaries?
Think back in retrospect this past year. Have you been having a series of arguments or unresolved disagreements? Agreeing to disagree is not solving a problem. It's burying it to bring-up later, and allowing it to fester into something more serious. So take those things into account. I don't see any commentary in your remarks regarding his cheating in the past. Do you complain a lot? Get needy and whiny? You'll lose points and deflate his enthusiasm about his marriage. It's not just about wives. Husbands are in it too!
I agree with Fatherly Advice. Texting is impersonal. I can't see how people use text-messaging to gauge another person's feelings, intentions, or emotions? I don't get it. I think you should wait until he gets home. Don't forget time-zones!
I don't know about hiring a private investigator. That seems a bit extreme; and if you don't trust him that badly, then you must already have significant evidence to consider divorce. You must have clues he's a no-good scoundrel. Or have trust-issues that choke the life out of your marriage!
You don't indicate that in your post. You only expressed
your disappointment he didn't show more enthusiasm for your upcoming anniversary. He is getting older, maybe he's more content than enthused. My first partnership lasted 28 years.
I had to give thanks and be grateful daily that we got along and still loved each other. He passed away, anniversaries may not have meant as much as having him around to love me.
It's been five years! Just a small-dose of reality here.
Men don't make as much fuss and show as much emotion over an
anniversary as women do. No matter how excited you are about it; it is still just another day among many. Thank God! You're still married!
If he's humdrum, doesn't show affection; or if he's as emotionless as Mr. Spock. How did it last this long? Just you holding-on by yourself? Then you shouldn't have married him!
Maybe he is stressed-out by his business-trip; and your subtle-way of hinting and reminding him it's your anniversary by message, is not quite delivering the emotion intended. He may see it as nothing but a reminder. He may be insulted that you feel you have to.
I often have to travel for business. I sure hope that if I can't get back to my boyfriend and message back right-away; he doesn't think I'm busy cheating! It is about business!!!
I sometimes feel exhausted and cranky at the end of daylong meetings and presentations to a bunch of stiffs. Listening to mind-numbing figures and monotone speeches. I can't wait to get back to my room for a drink and to hit my pillow! If I'm not up all-night busy preparing for another round of the same stressful bullsh*t! I'm just saying!
I don't love him any less, I just don't feel myself. Same goes when he himself has to travel to promotional conventions and out-of-town trade shows. I'm just used to it. I judge his devotion by his actions. I wait with anticipation for him to get home. Not worry what he's up to.
If you are implying he might be cheating, or maybe he doesn't see the marriage as sweet and lovely as you do; perhaps you might hold that thought until hubby gets home to discuss it. Otherwise; he may have plans to surprise you and feels exactly the same. He may be intentionally setting you up. If you can anticipate everything, where's the excitement and surprise?
Maybe it's just me. Do people ever look at the bright-side of things? Is "trust" just a word? I'm far from naive or a fool, I assure you!
If your marriage is really as wonderful as you claim on anniversaries; then you should have more faith and trust in him.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (9 June 2017):
 it's a matter of text etiquette not how he feels about the anniversary. You are blowing this all out of proportion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2017): By now your hub is probably back in touch armed with excuses and future surprises and words of endearment so I hope you are no longer hanging on in limbo!Some people pay little regard to anniversaries and just think it is a 'woman-thing!'Quite possibly you are just depending on him when he is emotionally unavailable so as this first incident has occurred you might start strengthening yourself now!I dont exactly mean go to the gym and get yourself superfit but that never hurts!I mean prioritise yourself a bit more in order to ensure that you are not just 'her indoors!'Aka the good ol back up woman at home!Get your guy wondering where you are!Dont always be available for his use!I dont mean play games..I mean that you must have other things in your life that make you into the person you want to be so that you are not dependant on his approval or disapproval, his texts or his non texts.If he becomes your total self-esteem trigger then you are making yourself extremely vulnerable to being taken for granted and as he didnt even send you some automated -computer -dated -happy -anniversary- well -thought-out endearing and touching words then your anniversary is less significant than you think!However I would not be happy with any text as it is meaningless!I would want to talk in person!But people manage in different ways so to text or not to text is not the issue!The issue is how you use your time and I hope you use it to the best of your ability!Not all guys know how to nice up the wife on the anniversary so it is the wifes duty to drill it into the husband what her expectation is.If you want a dozen red roses tell him to pre-book and prepay for an annual bunch of red roses from your local floristIf he says he is too busy then tell him that's why he has to book them in advance a month before!If he says he is forgetful then tell him to put it in his calendar a month before with daily reminders thereafter!If he says he doesnt think its important then tell him to give you half his money or the house on the divorce or say to him eyebrows raised:'oh so our future children are not important to you?'Tell him what you want and don't secretly nurse hurt feelings.Hope it works out for you. x
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (9 June 2017):
 be carefull in how you let your thoughts go now , I see some people will say he was with a lover or even a escort , but he might just have being at a bar with the guys after there meeting ,
I know many things are starting to enter your mind now while he is away , and it is no good me telling you not to worry as that will make you worry more and it could miss up you weekend ,
enjoy your weekend and if there was something he will not be able hide it ,like bar tabs and ticket for meal , bank statments ,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2017): Mean!Yes, I agree that he might be cheating or he's head screwing with you, probably both! Either way , it's not pleasant, is it? I get the feeling he's carrying a lot of hate and bitterness and he clearly wanted/wants to hurt you... his sweet wife who's excited about the planned wknd and anniversary. Many men don't care about that stuff because they only care about themselves. I should be celebrating my 1st year anniversary with a man I once knew, he had other ideas about screwing behind my back and so we never got to celebrate what could have been an amazing achievement.Yuk!That stuff rubs off on you and then what are you left with?iYuk yuk!Enjoy the days, there are many days, as life still goes on regardless of whether you met this twisted dude 5 years ago or not. he knows this and you need to as well. The birds are still singing and the world is still spinning and will do even when he's dead. Now there's a day to celebrate ??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2017): This happened to me as well. I discovered later that my esteemed spouse of 20 years had taken a mistress. He was with her. It is a long story to tell. Suffice it to say, he is my ex-spouse now.
Hire a private investigator and consider speaking to your friends. I learned some of my friends knew of his indiscretions but didn't want to hurt me.
Sorry that this is happening to you. Better to learn now than waste more years on a lying cheater.
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