A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i dont know what ells to do! my boyfriend for the last year is going through a depressed point and is allways accusing me of hateing him and wanting to find someone ells to be with, i have done all i can to get past this object so far, i dont want anyone ells and am verry intent with him but i am starting to be less and less happy. i cant talk to anyone or go out with/to friends because i dont want to start a row and he wont listen to me when i try to talk about it with him. what ells can i do befor going to some kind of councelour?
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female
reader, hails +, writes (27 February 2007):
 i wr in a relationship like this an in the end i wr so depressed that it wr makin me ill as thr wr nothin i could do to help him and i did everythin i could to show him i wr gonna b thr 4 him but then i ended up depressed too. maybe he needs professional help i.e. counselling.
A
female
reader, Farris +, writes (27 February 2007):
 I was in a relationship like this for a while, and I thought that by loving him and giving him my all would help him to get better... It turned out that I ended up feeling like he OWED it back to me. I began to resent him for taking so much from me but never giving anything back.
If your boyfriend getting any help for his depression? If not, push him to. Explain to him that his depression is not only affecting him, it's affecting you too, and whilst you want to be there for him to help him through with this, it's not fair for him to bring you down so much.
In my situation, it got to a point where he & I argued so much and I began to hate him for how he treated me. We ended up breaking up for a while until he got better. Maybe this could help you both?
Just remember, as much as you care for your boyfriend, you should come first. If it gets too much, walk out.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2007): People suffering from depression can often get what is known as 'secondary gains' - these are things that cause the person to not want to get rid of their depression.
e.g. their depression means that someone (you) becomes a caring and supportive person for them, and that they can get away with worse behaviour (him accusing you of hating him)
The best way for someone to deal with a partner with depression is not necessarily to be 100% loving and supportive of them.
Depressed or not, he has no right to manipulate you in ways that are causing you to become depressed too.
It is his problem, and he needs to deal with it. That is the only way a depressed person can begin on the path of coming out of that depression.
This may involve seeing a counselor (find a CBT, cognitive behaviorist counselor) or taking a trip to the GP. I suggest the first method.
Either way, as hard as it is, you need to tell him you love and support him, but that he needs to address his depression or you are leaving. You need to look after yourself, if you do not, you will end up having to deal with your own depression as sooner or later, he will break your strength.
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A
male
reader, Dr. John  +, writes (27 February 2007):
 You may not have any recourse but to get him in to seek psychiatric help for him if it is indeed the depression that is causing the trouble. In a case like this it very well could be an imbalance in brain chemistry causing the problem. A psychiatrist or even a psychologist could better make that determination and take measures to correct it.
However, on the down side you may have to just accept the idea that maybe he doesn't want to be with you any longer and perhaps this is what is causing the depression. In any case I would recommend he do seek counseling at the very least. Hope this helps. Doc.
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