A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi this is going to seem like an odd problem, but its been bothering me awhile. I've always known that my boyfriend of 3 years has had a fetish for black haired women. It's not a problem, until i begin to think about it, or find something, then it makes me feel annoyed and inadequate and makes me want to turn around and say, well you know what, you go out with one, and i'll go out with somebody who appreciates me being brunette. my other boyfriends have, which is why i feel so cheated. My boyfriend is a good man, he loves me and hes totally honest and devoted to me and would not cheat and i trust him, but this fetish makes me feel strange. i've discovered porn on his pc before, and it wasnt THAT that bothered me- it was the fact that all the models were raven haired and in a folder called "black" I've found pictures on his phone too, of what i thought were girls- but the pictures were from the net i discovered when i looked closer- hes uploaded them, to look at! hes made no attempt to hide it either and he sees it us us having no secrets. it seems that his preference is jet black and the hair must be long and curly, which mine is, but its not jet black nor will ever be- it's light brown. hes fairly open about it and does not hide it and will discuss it if i ask him to. he assures me he finds me hugely attractive and i turn him on, more than anybody, and when i accused him of masturbating to it, he said yes he did, but he masturbated about me most times and felt i was being unreasonable. whenever i see a woman with that colour hair, i think "hes looking at it". i think it's just the hair, to be honest. but it makes me feel uneasy because THATS all it is, and its the one thing i don't have. I don't mind him looking at porn, or pin up type girls, but its the fact that theyre all black haired that bothers me, as if that's all that matters to him, and i sometimes wonder if he wishes i'd dye my hair, or just that i looked like them. straight away if i see a woman with black hair i KNOW hes seen it before i have and i start trying to distract him. sometimes i see a woman with black hair and i say "oh look, theres one for you!" and he'll try and play it down, but i know hes seen it, so i'll point out the nearest attractive tall man (my bf is 5'8) and remark upon it or something to make a point about how he'll never be 6'4!. He's openly joined groups on networking sites about "Women with black hair are hot!" but i worry that hes talking to women on the net or something, or hes doing searches or i don't know what, i trust him but it makes me feel uneasy that he wants something i will never be, which rather than damages my self esteem and makes me feel "noo! don't leave me!" i feel like " i'm not taking this, i'm out of here!" which i know is silly. How should i deal with this?
View related questions:
porn, self esteem, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, trusted  +, writes (30 September 2010):
I'm sorry, but I see this as a problem in the long run. I was involved with a man who was also attracted to dark skinned, dark haired women (usually black). He had briefly dated a woman from China, one from Sri Lanka, Hispanic, etc. (you get the picture). I found searches on his computer for asian women, etc.
Obviously, this is your boyfriend's preference. I, myself, hated being compared to these women when I am considered very attractive (yes, I am white with very dark brown / black hair). I finally left my boyfriend and found one who finds me very good looking.
It's not worth being with a man who is totally attracted to women who are unlike you. You will continue to be miserable and questioning whether he truly loves you.
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (11 May 2008):
 My husband's ideal women is - dark skinned, red haired with an irish accent. Ok sounds silly but he likes dark skinned women, he loves red hair and loves women with irish accents. He has been out with many women from each of the catagories he likes plus lots of dark haired women. I'm naturally blonde although I do have one lighter colour and a chocolate colour added to my hair and I am the only blonde he has ever dated but Im the one he married!! I used to often question him about his preference and it took me a while to accept that whilst he may in the past have found women different to me attractive and probably still does it doesnt mean Im any less than they are. If he is doing the porn stuff openly then you really dont have anything to worry about - keep laughing and pointing girls out but learn to accept it as a joke and at the end of the day you bagged him when he could have ignored you and gone for a black haired girl instead. Dont tease him about his height some men can be insecure about this - you might find he has the same fears as you and think you wish he was taller. Enjoy what youve got togther and forget about this x
...............................
A
female
reader, LouLee +, writes (10 May 2008):
 Hmm, i wouldn't get too jelous about it.
I mean, every guy has their preferences of women.
And he just likes black hair, maybe just a little too much, but some things will never change.
Thats life i'm afraid.
...............................
A
male
reader, WastedLife +, writes (10 May 2008):
Hey - He didn't cheat, did he, and he has been honest with you. You just mentioned that he is a good man and loves you for you. Certain things give a guy a thrill, but he would never trade his true love for that thrill(we hope). Trust me that you're making things worse by blaming, accusing, and trying to "get even" whenever an innocent black haired woman walks by. I had a lovely girlfriend that did the same thing, and always accused me of flirting and wanting girls with straight black hair. Yes, that was my ideal visually, but she was with me and I wanted her. The constant accusations wear down a guy, and after a while, he thinks that if he is being blamed for something anyway, he might as well do it. Try things a bit differently: Agree that she's cute when he ogles someone, ignore the porn for now and just concentrate on being the best that you are, the most special girlfriend ever. Love yourself as much as he says he does, if not more. For a special treat on a holiday, you might want to get a cheap wig and playact for him. Just no blaming if he goes crazy for it - it's an imprint - something he is hardwired to react to. Do your best to just love him as he is and see if he responds in kind. Good Luck.
...............................
|
