A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a woman in my 30's and I have been in a relationship for 4 years now. My boyfriend is 9 years younger than me which could have posed a problem but it hasn't. Anyway, a few years ago I was on my boyfriends computer do my school work and I noticed a gay website on his drop down menu. I ignored it for awhile until I saw it again. I never said anything to him because he used to have an anger problem and I was scared. THen at the same time I just wanted him to be able to tell and be able to share everything with me. Well, then we moved and my best friend introduced him to a co-worker and he started lying about working late when I knew that he wasn't. I started to get angry and paranoid. So, I got nosey. I started checking his cell phone which showed that him and this guy had been intimate and that they have real feeling for each other. But he has also told him that he will never leave me for him or any other guy.Normally, I would have dropped this guy out on his behind but for the first time in a long time my feelings want me to stay by his side. Now, his guy friend has started to do whatever he can to try to become my boyfriend. He has started to dress like him, stop doing the things that he once loved to try to hang out with my boyfriend, start eating the same things that he eats and my boyfriend is really picky. My boyfriend says that he notices and he has talked to him about it.The one thing about my situation is this. Number one, me and my boyfriend have have numerous open talks about sexuality and he has even told me about a time in his life when he was confused and did some things that he was not happy about, but he has not come out and told me about his new friend. I have brought home movies and had deep conversations about men on the down low, but he still won't open up to me about him. He has even told me that his friend is in love with him vut not about there relationship.I have prayed and I have been patient I just don't know what to do because I love him so much. I want to stay by his side as his friend, lover and confidant. He has been there for me through a lot and vice versa. I know that he would not purposely hurt me, but I feel that we could have a much better relationship if he would opoen up to me. I mean I know that I would stay by his side as long as he loved me and he knows this I am just not sure what he is afraid of. Please help me be able to bring this subject up to him without him getting defensive and angry.
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female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (18 June 2008):
 There are people who can sustain both a gay and a heterosexual relationship at the same time.
Being bisexual, as he may well be, doesn't necessarily mean this is going to work. In most cases people need just one partner, and have to make the choice to make a long-term relationship work.
If you are absolutely sure he is having a gay relationship, then firstly you have to make a decision. Can you continue like this? Many people couldn't, but the way you present this situation here suggests to me that you may not be one of those "many people".
Secondly, if the answer is that you could accept he has a gay lover, you need to ask yourself whether you think he can continue like this. Will he be able to sustain the two relationships, or will he have to make a choice eventually?
I suggest that you don't confront him until you have your answers to those questions firmly in your head. Whatever his answer, whatever his reaction, you need to know where you will go and what you will say to what he says - otherwise it's probably going to be a lot of shouting and crying that doesn't actually achieve anything.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, frizzylizzy  +, writes (18 June 2008):
 Ok first of all, Prayer is not going to get you anywhere in this situation. You need to realise your "boyfriend" is a gay man and he cannot be changed. He is a bit confused at the moment but if he is having sexual relations with a man than he is Gay!!!!
I'm sorry if these are harsh words but you need to get ot grips with this situation and end the relationship. You need to look after yourself here.
Good luck x
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