A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend on and off close to 3.5 years. Nothing has been perfect, but one thing is we really do love each other. We've both been faithful, never any worries there. And when we did take a break before (a few times) we both dated other people for short time but was not intimate with them. Up until now , he dated a girl for a month or so. Told me they did have sex but used protection. It was hard enough to swallow him being with another women but I accepted it and we got back together. Now she is pregnant. It sucks on my part. He lied and didn't use protection so of course I'm mad about that. He has always wanted a baby and had been wanting us to get married and have children. He's told me that several times. It's not that I didn't want too, I wanted all of our issues to be worked out BEFORE we took such a step. And I had hope that maybe it could happen. So he will be very involved with the child as I know he should be. I think he's excited to have a child (he's 40). I do feel jealous. And I feel anger and hurt. But then I also know it could of been me. I was the one who wanted to wait and work things out in our relationship. He was ready to do all this with me a year ago. . He wants me to stay and help with the baby. I just don't think I can. I don't think I can be a part of the whole pregnancy process. I think it would kill me. He was being nice and apologized and said he knew I felt hurt and that he truly loves me and not her. But then he started to play victim and say if I would of married him already and blah blah blah then all this wouldn't of happened. So now it's MY fault. He's stressed and said I am adding to that but ... I mean, what am I supposed to say? Oh that's fine honey, no big deal" I mean, of course I'm going to be upset about being lied to and then also, about the fact the man I love is having a child with another women while I can watch on the sidelines .. it also makes me upset to think he will be with her most likely. Or try to work it out for the baby... it's such a intimate personal emotional thing. And he gets to do it with this other women. . ugh. Thanks for reading and any advice. . ??
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 October 2017):
 This was a toxic relationship before Baby entered the picture. He needs to focus on being a good dad now, not throwing his innocent baby into the unhealthy mix that would be yet another run at your relationship, with the added complications surrounding the baby's mother.
Try again, if you want, but I'm sorry, OP, love isn't enough. You haven't been able to work it out because it's not meant to be.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 October 2017):
 You have to decide if this a deal breaker or not.
It would be for me. It might not be for you.
The fact that your relationship is ALREADY unstable and has gone through several "breaks" or on/off periods makes me think that while you two care for each other... a strong and healthy relationship is not going to happen.
If you two NEED to have "breaks" here and there because things get to "complicated" then HOW is it going to work with this added 3rd wheel (baby momma) and the added responsibility (financially, emotionally and physically) towards a child as well. A child that ISN'T yours and whom you might not be a big part of raising.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): I'm sorry but this is not a good or healthy relationship for either of you.People who love and are happy with one another don't take breaks in a relationship. And nor do they use the break as an excuse to fool around with other people.Your BF doesn't love you or he wouldn't have been able to stand being apart from you. Instead of being miserable without you, he went and not only had sex with another female but he got her pregnant. That, my dear, is not love.You are both clinging to the familiarity of this dysfunctional relationship. Deep down, you know it isn't working but you seem to return to it because of co-dependence. My advice is break it off for good and find somebody you can have a steady, stable relationship with. Not an on again, off again situation. The on/off thing tells you it just isn't working. And probably never will.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): Don't forget, no contraception is 100% perfect. Perhaps he is very unlucky!
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female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (25 October 2017):
 If you're really overwhelmed that prevents you from managing a relationship, then it's understandable to take a break. But on and off for three years? That is saying it all.
Aunt Honesty is correct. There is no way people who TRULY want to be together have it this difficult!
Like Aunts say over and over again- LOVE is not the only thing that a relationship needs. You can care deeply for someone and not be able to LIVE with them or see eye-to-eye- if this is happening on a regular basis you're not COMPATIBLE.
Three/four years- it's well documented that this is the scientific point where couples make or break it.. where the honeymoon blooms have long gone and people actually wake up to if they want to truly be long term with their mate.
Honestly- you're already struggling in choppy tides, this baby is a tidal wave.. not only will it be a constant wedge between both your lives, but how will you forgive such an action? He had UNPROTECTED sex after knowing a girl for a few weeks, when he was "technically" still in a three year relationship..
Maybe he was really drunk or whatever (not an excuse really, but just about understandable) but how will you live with the anger jealousy and resentment? I really don't think you'll be able to- that will tear you apart.
My advice- clear your head by writing a letter to him.. about how angry you are and why. It will really clear your head and release some of the tension you feel, as well as communicating clearly and efficiently to him why you CAN'T be together.
You just can't. This was doomed BEFORE baby came along. This really is the final nail in the coffin. The resentment alone will destroy you.
We all have to figure out if a relationship is sustainable, even if we really love someone- just because the struggle keeps getting worse, that just means we struggle more, ignoring fundamental problems. It doesn't change the fact that there is too much discord and clashing to be sustainable.
Be strong, everyone has had failed relationships- they still loved each other. You have been flogging this dead horse for too long.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 October 2017):
 My initial thought is that, if he was only dating this woman for a month, I would be asking for a DNA test once the baby arrives. It would not be the first time someone had got pregnant and then looked for someone else to take the fall.
Secondly, do NOT let him put any thoughts into your head that this is in any way YOUR fault. If he does not understand at his age where babies come from, then it is a poor do. I hope he has had an STD test to make sure he hasn't picked anything up.
Only you can decide whether you can cope with this situation. Remember, his baby will be his priority. Even if you go on to have children together, his eldest will still be his eldest.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): Wow that is an unfortunate situation. At this point I don't think you can save your relationship. Maybe that was fate intervening to finally push you away from this man. Yes, it was not COMPLETELY his fault that this happened, because you had unfortunately decided to take a break and see other people. But also unfortunately, during that time, this HUGE LIFE CHANGING thing happened with another woman.I think it would be way easier to stepmother (not that that is ever easy, but easier) if this relationship had been something in his past, or if he was divorced and sharing a child...BUT the fact is that this pregnancy is happening basically during your relationship currently, which makes it a MILLION times messier. I think if you were already having difficulties and breaks without this stress it will only get a million times worse. If he is planning to be an active father to this child he will have an ongoing connection to this woman, which basically will feel like he cheated with her (Even though he technically did not) because he never really "Broke up" with her, but has had to, out of necessity keep seeing her right from the moment of the pregnancy onwards, so how does that leave him emotional room to recover from his affair with her and get back together with you? It does not. My point is he is dealing with this pregnancy concurrently, and I think it will always feel like he cheated when he knocked this woman up on a short break from you two being together. Yah not entirely his fault, but fate turned out this way so you need to move on, in my opinion. You will always wonder why he couldn't have waited to work things out with YOU so you two could get married and have a family. Was he purposely careless because he just wanted a baby with whomever (if he was so desperate for a family). Would he consider getting together with the mom because as you say he is sooo excited at the prospect of being a dad and going through the pregnancy process?Way too much doubt for you to shoulder. Let him be a dad, and you go find a man that CAN wait for you to work things out to start a family.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): I think you have two choices:One is to take a deep breath and realize if you love him enough to accept that he has a child with the other woman and you can forgive the terrible fact that he lied to you, which is why in my opinion you should do the second thing : ( keep in mind that you can keep your relationship but he's gonna have to see her, talk to her, forever . Are you ok with that? whould you trust him since he lied to you about the sex?The second thing you can do is leave, move on from all of this, forget about this guy, there is so many fish in the sea, you can find another partner, single, with no kids, fresh start with someone who didn't lie to you because if he did once maybe he'll do it over again.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 October 2017):
 Have a think about your relationship, you say you have both been together on and off for three and a half years, but why after all this time are you still working on the relationship? Relationships should not be this hard, I mean yes we all have our ups and downs, but after all this time I would wonder why you would both still need a break.
Off course nothing can change the fact now that he has a baby on the way and that he is doing the right thing and putting his child first. You say it will break you to be around him getting excited about the baby and you don't feel you can do it. If you don't feel up to it then walk away now, there is no point staying around and hurting yourself more, this is not your fault, nor is it his, nature has taken its course and well this baby is innocent and did not ask for any off this. You need to make a decision now and stick with it, if the baby is to much walk away from him and take with you that if the relationship was meant to be it wouldn't have had breaks in the three and a half years.
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