A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey all! I have a big, fat, unavoidable crush on a good friend of mine and I am not sure I should, nor am I sure whether I should talk with her about it.My friend is about 9 years older than I am, and I hesitate to bring anything up because she is engaged and I think fondly of her as a friend as it is, and I really don't want to ruin that part of our relationship. I love spending time with her in any way I can, as she's one of my best friends and supports that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and confiding in. She and I were teacher and student for a while, I've known her since I was 14 and have had feelings for her since I was about 16. I knew then, and I know now; like I said before, no avoiding this one, it's plain on my face whenever I'm with her. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm just nervous and apprehensive to say anything.What sparked my coming here to ask you all for advice is that we got to talking at a party she was hosting this past weekend and she was healthily intoxicated, so I was having a hard time interpreting her actions. She embraced me a little ambiguously (I felt like there was more to it, if that makes sense) and we were sharing glances and all for most of the night, and she opened up one part of our conversation with a compliment that I was sexy for the shaggy style of hair I currently have going on. We talked for a good long while about some professional struggles on the couch. It was really good drama I hadn't heard and I wanted to hear what she had to say, so we talked. We were kind of squished close and mirrored each other's movements a lot; I thought that was kinda cool regardless of the connotation. She's insanely bright and wonderful to be in the company of, I really admire her as an individual and as a friend.I feel like we might connect just in the slightest way intimately, but I don't want to read too much into it because I don't want to exacerbate anything and I don't want to ruin my friendship with her. Is there anything I can do to kind of clear the air, am I imagining things, what do these non-verbal cues mean, what do you guys recommend I do? I hope I haven't asked too much, I'll look forward to your feedback. Thank you so much in advance!
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (2 November 2017):
 Don't do anything silly and ignorant that would destroy your friend's life as much as it would yours.
Spend your time and your energy focusing on seeking an appropriate relationship for you and one that's attainable and not unattainable as this one is.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2017): OP @ Andie's Thoughts- Thank you, I am going to. You cannot see that necessarily, but I am going to distance myself.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (26 October 2017):
 You must start to move on, OP. Distance yourself enough to keep the friendship, but to allow your feelings to fade. You cannot keep living lusting after her. When you think of her in a romantic/sexual way, change your train of thought. Seriously; you're wasting your life on an unattainable person - we all do it, but you know you need to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2017): OP- Thank you very much for your responses, friends. I do want to confirm I'm aware of the issues that can arise with intoxication being thrown into the mix when my feelings are strong and they are as vulnerable as they are. I didn't try to act on my feelings at all while I was with her, I did just the opposite, in fact. I try my absolute best to relax and not let my feelings for her get in the way of enjoying my time with her, and I do not act on them. I do not act on them. My thoughts thrill me when I indulge those I have about her, but I'm going to try to make a more active effort to just let everything go and enjoy the trust we share in each other, as close friends. Her friendship means more to me than anything else I could ever feel for her, and you have helped me to recognize that I need to prioritize that. I do hold a lot of trust in her and don't look down on her for being intoxicated. It's a part of her having fun and I don't view that as a disrespect to our relationship at all. These responses have been severer than I expected, but overwhelmingly what I suspect I already knew; it's best just to keep it to myself, and to maintain the trust that is there instead, because that is more important to me than any infatuation I have with her. Thank you for your help!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2017): I will not differentiate on the subject of age. When intoxicated it doesn't matter, we should treat the drunken person as we would someone who is ill. She should have behaved more as a role model for you; instead of getting drunk in your presence. She behave stupidly and out of character. That's on her.
I just wanted to make sure you know that we can sometimes talk out of our heads and do things we shouldn't when under the influence, and you should remove yourself from situations when you know people are not fully in-control of their behavior. We should only see to their safety, get them home, and be on our way. That's what friends do.
I wanted to add that so you wouldn't think I wish tongue-lashing you or being accusatory. Quite the contrary!
You are young and gay. We need to be well informed. I want you to have a very clear understanding. You've seen the news and how it's lit-up with stories and accusations about sexual-inappropriateness. Even a pass is inappropriate; if it is unwanted or given without consent. Gays are prime targets, not just men! Women do it to, but they are most often the victims!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2017): Teach yourself something about boundaries and self-control. Your romantic crushes on people who are either straight or not available are feelings best kept to yourself.
This is my opportunity to educate. This goes for gay people, and men.
People sometimes blackout or lose control of their inhibitions during intoxication. They are vulnerable and not working with the benefit of all their mental-faculties and filters. That's why it's considered against the law to take advantage of people in such a state. Learn that now, and you can save yourself future trouble and heartache.
There were no non-verbal cues, only your wishful-thinking at play. It is considered predatory and exploitative to take advantage of people who are drugged or intoxicated; and knowing this will protect you as well. To make an inappropriate pass and/or throw something in a person's face about how they behaved when drunk, is how some people try to justify themselves for being out of line. That's really unfair and mean. I know you aren't this kind of person; but to ask the type of questions you have, it's what you should know.
Let her be. She is committed and not romantically-interested in you. Keep what she shared to yourself along with your crush. Trust is a precious gift.
I had to be very serious in the tone of my response; because there has been a lot of controversy these days about sexual inappropriateness and people making unwanted-passes. That is usually followed-up by people being inappropriately touched, or worse.
Although we sometimes overshare; we ARE NOT always revealing our true selves when under the influence of intoxicating substances, or medication. That is a myth some people use to rationalize pursuing people who we badly wish we could have; but are really and truly unavailable in the way we want them. If sober, there would not even be the most remote possibility! In blackout state, people have no idea what they are saying or doing! Or if only tipsy, for some it doesn't take much!
Maintain your friendship as it is. Whatever she shared with you was meant only to close. She was venting and offering you her trust in your confidentiality of what what shared. That is all.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 October 2017):
To be honest, you probably shouldn't even be friends, right now, as she was your teacher and you've had a crush on her since you were a minor - had she known, she would hopefully have declined any contact with you outside school or after you aged out.She's engaged and off-limits, the age gap probably wouldn't work long-term and this crush is stemming from your adolescence, not adulthood. You admired her, looked up to her, idolised her, etc., not the root of a healthy crush or attachment. If you can't move past this without telling her, you need to put distance between the two of you; you can't continue on like this. This is a dead-end crush, like most teen ones are, which is where this started and has ultimately stayed, albeit you're older now.Also, even if she was interested, she's engaged and would be cheating, so you wouldn't have a good relationship with her anyway. It would also be unethical because she still had that mentor "power" over you.Move on, OP. There's nothing there and, sorry to be blunt, it's an inappropriate infatuation.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 October 2017):
 If she is aware of your crush, then, in my opinion, SHE is the one who is inappropriate as she is much older and was in a position of trust when she was your teacher. To give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she does NOT realize how strong your feelings for her are, I think she would probably be shocked (and possibly confused) if you told her.
For a start off, she is engaged. She is not free to commit to you. If she had had any feelings towards you like you do towards her, she would have said or done something by now. Instead she obviously views you as a dear friend - as you should her.
If you tell her how you feel, it may make her push you away as she may feel guilty that she inadvertently gave you signals she was interested in you in that way. Also she may think, as you have an unachievable agenda, your friendship is not healthy for you.
If you want to stay friends with this lady, I would keep your crush to yourself. For your own sanity, I would try to widen my circle of friends and meet new people. You can still continue to admire her and see her as someone who was very special in your life but you need to be realistic about any future with her in the way you want.
Having crushes on older people like teachers is part of growing up. It is a safe way to learn about feelings. It is time for you to venture into the big wide world and find someone who is available.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 October 2017):
 She is engaged, so OFF limits. It's really that simple.
My guess? She knows you "fan-girl" a little bit over her but I don't think she knows to what extent.
If you bring it up? IT will change EVERYTHING. She might even feel it's HER fault and that SHE hasn't been acting appropriately with you. So telling her? It's not in your favor.
She is NOT going to ditch her fiance for you.
I have to ask WHAT outcome are you hoping for by telling her?
Is it a REALISTIC option?
The thing with crushes? 95% of the time? They are one-sided and unrequited. It's an infatuation. However, they are usually not long-term infatuations but with you this one is. you have to ASK yourself if you keep feeding this crush on an unavailable person so you DON'T have to go out and MEET a potential partner?
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