A
female
age
30-35,
*nabeee
writes:Hello everyone, I am in desperate need of some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. I am 20 and he is 22. I have to say he is my everything, I am deeply in love with him. Our relationship has always been a good one, except for the fact that we live about an hour away from each other and due to our work/school schedules we only see each other about twice a week. Lately we have been talking about getting an apartment together because we jut cannot stand being apart for that long evey week. We have already bought our bedroom set, which he has at his place right now, an have plans to move in together in about 2 -3 months. However last week he confessed to me that he had cheated on me. He said it was a stupid drunken night ( which is still no excuse ). He seemed genuinly sorry and full of guilt for what he had done. He said it happened with a girl he was friends with before he met me. He said the decision was mine and that he understands if I leave him because he messed up big time. He begged me to think things through and that he loves me deeply and does not want to lose me. He says he has no feelings whatsoever for her and he wants to move forward in our relationship. Problem is the girl just called him up to say she's pregnant. The girl said was gonna get an abortion because she had no support from anyone. However my boyfriend does not want this to happen. Even though this is not planned that baby is still his and he will support them any way he can. The girl decided to keep the baby. I of course am destroyed. I feel so hurt an betrayed because I never thought he would do this to me. I know that with time and a lot of work I can get over his infidelity and someday trust him again. However I don't know if I can deal with the pregnancy issue. It kills me inside to know he will have his first kid with another girl. I think about him going to the doc appointments with her and going through all this experience with someone else and it just breaks my heart. I don't know if I can stand him seeing her everytime he visits the baby, or even when he brings the baby over it will be a constant reminder for me. Not only that but I have a huge fear of him getting closer to her or even developing feelingS because of the baby. I am SO hurt and confused. This guy is my life and just the thought of not being with him hurts. But I know if I stay I am setting myself up for a lot of pain. I told him I would give him another chance and try it. See how I feel. But I'm not sure on my decision yet. I don't want to get him out of my life, especially since we have plans fo our future, but I don't know if I'll be strong enough to go through all this pain and drama. I know I'm young and could start over, but I'm scared of letting the person I love the most go and regret my desicion later. Help?
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abortion, cheated on me, drunk, infidelity Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): My friend i'm going through the same thing and what hurts the most is that the girl wont stop messing with me. What i will do is to wait until the baby is born and see if he choses the other girl and the child over me. If he does i'll try to get over him but if he puts me first i'll give him a second child. I think you should try this as well. Wish You all the best in this tough situation
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): You should leave him. It is best to deal with the pain now than dealing with it in your everyday life living together with him later on. Because either leaving him or living with him, will hurt you. I know it's going to hurt like hell both physically and mentally, but you will eventually get over it, and it is for your own good. Time will heal if you're determined to let it go. You're still young and you deserve to be with someone that treats you better. In addition, I know there's somewhere out there, someone else that is better than your current boyfriend waiting to meet you and be with you for the rest of his life. Remember that! I hope you that you're strong during this time to get over this. And I wish you the best! You can do it
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 October 2009):
 "Our relationship has always been a good one"
Wake up time. You THOUGHT your relationship had always been a good one. He apparently didn't.
Drunken one night stand results in pregnancy. It happens, but you are a girl yourself, pregnancies don't happen all that easily do they, and there are easy precautions.
So, he met a girl who was ovulating (or shortly afterwards) not on the pill, or any other form of protection, he did not use a condom (STD's), she did not use a morning after pill and the sperms got lucky and there was not one of the countless tiny miscarriages most women are never aware off.
Oh well, it happens.
But while you are thinking of the future and hoping and dreaming HE fucked another girl.
And you can dress it up anyway you want to, but it is clear he is not as committed as you are. And one more thing. if you take him back, then he knows that he can get away with cheating.
Tell me, he knows now that under the influence of alcohol, he makes mistakes (well, he claims it was a mistake, I don't buy it, but I am an old man). So, has he drunk a single drop since? He wouldn't want to make the same "mistake" again, does he?
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (10 October 2009):
 RhythmandBlues has given the best advice I have ever read. Yes, RUN. Run NOW. There is no way in a million years that you could ever put up with this situation. Watching another womans baby come into the world, all the tests, visits, money spent, time spent alone whilst he is with her. There is not going to be a happy time in the apartment with the nice new bed linen. It is going to be mental torture. I know this is harsh but this was not a one night stand, this has been going on behind your back for a while. I know your dreams have been shattered and you are trying dearly to cling on but you have to write it off. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. He doesn't live in the same town so you are not going to see him so you are not going to be reminded every second. There is no point in moving into this apartment it is going to make you sad and unhappy. Withdraw your emotions and get out ASAP.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): Anabee, Anabee, Annabee, I am so sorry you got hit in the face with a big old pie.
You didn't see this coming and it hurts like hell, I totally get that.
Problem is you are desperately holding onto your hopes and plans for the future, the bedroom set, the apartment.
See the thing is you are lucky here and you just aren't ready to face reality.
The guy has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a cheater, he has known this girl for over two years, before you ever met, and low and behold he just happened to fall on top of her one night when he was drunk, he didn't mean it to happen, but whoops he slipped and fell and his pants came off and well you know the rest.
Do you really really think this hasn't happened before with this girl? I would say the chance of that being true is about a snowball's chance in hell.
The guy is young, he doesn't want to settle down and get married, but he is willing to play house with you and pay for the baby because after all it was his. Good for him, facing up to those responsibilities.
How difficult do you think living together is for the first time especially without the committment of marriage?
How difficult do you think it will be going forward with all those trust issues? How difficult do you think it will be with this other woman wanting your man to make a family with her and the baby? You don't think she will want that? Hmm, why else would she agree to keep it when she wanted to abort it "thinking that she had no support?" I don't think she was talking about financial support do you? Because he is responsible for that any way, he is the father.
I think you have a free pass to tell him to not let the door hit him in the ass when he leaves.
Face up to reality, your dream for your happy ever after just got real, really sucky. You have a choice going forward. You can agree to stay in a pile of dung with the rest of the dung beetles or you can raise yourself up against your denial that this just isn't what you had in mind and go out and find your happy ever after with someone who doesn't get drunk, have one night stands (yeah right) and unprotected sex, especially while in a relationship with someone he plans to live with or marry or is married too.
It is easy to say he loves you and he is sorry, it is quite another for you to have to accept the consequences of his actions. You aren't married to him, go.....run...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): What a horrible situation for you to be in...
Just a thought to add to the others - you know, what if the pregnancy goes away without any plans... miscarriages are fairly common.
Would you comfortable knowing that he did not even consult you, his partner, before deciding to advice the other girl to keep the baby?
After he had decided, he came back to you to ask you to stay... Would that not make you uncomfortable as to where you stand with this love of your life?
Where is all this (moving in together etc.) leading - to spending your life together or do you see this as a few years thing which will die like most relationships do?
If you are out for fun, even for a few years, stay. If you love him and want a life with him, leave.
Let him think about where you stand in his life, then let him choose you. Not just ask you to stay because you are there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): If the baby is his...
and if they (the two parents) decide to keep it... you should leave.
I don't agree that its noble to bring a child in such a messy situation. Its romantic, sure but not good for the child or for the adults. If he's all that noble and this is somehow for the child then he should make sure that the child is born into a home with both parents. Let's take nobility to its logical conclusion.
However, it is not a decision you have any control over. He's has already decided that without checking with the woman he says he loves.
You will not regret leaving him. It's not only the pregnancy and doctor visits (which sound like a recipe for torture for you) but also a human being who'll always be a part of his life (if your boyfriend is noble).
Your future sounds messy without you having done anything to make it so. Consider yourself lucky that you found now instead of when you had more commitments with him.
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A
female
reader, OmShantih +, writes (10 October 2009):
 Wow! That is really noble of him, I admire him for what he is doing. He risks losing everything, so that his baby stands a chance at a life!
I would be incredibley proud of him for that.
Now the cheating part....I truley believe that in these situations. you stay or you leave. If you stay, you have to totally forgive him, regardless of what may go on in the future with his baby because if you dont, it will destory you both. Or you walk.
The choice is yours!
I would be devastated too, I would want to rip his head off, I have been cheated on and it kills! I cannot imagine how seeing him have his first born child with a random woman must feel like!
It seems like you have alot of soul searching to do...
My advice, just see how it goes. if you can forgive him over time and not through it back i his face every 5 mins then maybe you can make it last....your going to have alot to deal with.
I wish you the best of luck
Love and Light
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