A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend gets mad at me for wearing panties and bras that match when I am not with him. Is this out of line? We have been together for almost two years. I have never been unfaithful to ANYONE. HE has.
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male
reader, Snoopy99  +, writes (30 September 2009):
OK...already replied to this, but I'll spell it out clear.What your boyfriend is stewing about is NOT normal!It's pathetic, insane, inane control freak behaviour.Let's say you change your panties and bra. What comes next?Does the colour of your fingernails match your toenails?If so - does that mean you're seeing someone behind his back?And will that make it any better if he loses control and punches you?Trust me on this one - arguments are normal between couples, everyone has ups and downs. But this BS?He's completely insane. An absolute control freak. And you're more insane if you stick by some drongo who's more concerned with what lingerie you're wearing than how you feel and who you are.It's a no-brainer. You can do so much better than date this loser, and if you feel you can't, that's an internal issue you need to work on. Don't hang around to suffer more idiotic, juvenile abuse.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): Abusers are very smart. They act angry to set you off balance, to upset you so they can then turn the tables and soothe and smooth over the rift. Then you see them as your savior. Wise up to his manipulation or try some of your own. What would happen if you chose something stupid, like every time he wears that shaving cologne, he must be having sex at work? If he's physically violent this is not a good idea! but if he isn't, it might flabbergast you and give you the upper hand in the relationship for a change. Abusers count on you acting the same way every time. When you don't, they have no game plan. If you are not up to mind games, and there is no reason why you should be unless you just want to toy with him like he does with you, it's simple. Leave. There are so many nice guys who would appreciate a loving woman and who will treat you like a princess. You don't have to put up with a jerk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): I've been so beat up, literally and figuratively and so confused when things are good, I feel like the luckiest woman on the face of the planet.
That's completely normal for abusers, sweetheart: http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.html
I'm really proud of you for realizing that his behavior isn't okay, and even though it's hard to leave, as you know, I'm sure you can do it. Do you have any friends or family you can stay with, who can help you maintain the strength to stay away from this man?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): It's me, the original poster. Yes, he is very controlling. I have been trying to find a safe way to leave but he keeps sucking me back in, which I know is only the fault of my own for letting him. WHen things are good, it's the happiest I've ever been.
To him, wearing matching panties and bra means that I am cheating on him. And I will put them on at the start of the day and when I get home I will want to have sex with him and his comment will be "I see you wore that to work; I'm not stupid, you can not treat me like I am a stupid guy".
Yesterday I wore a pair of panties that were black and creme and a black bra, he had told me he liked them before. We started to become intimate and he asked why I was wearing the set I had on and I told him because he had told me before that he liked them. He then became irate, screaming at me to answer why I wore them and I told him I did answer. He threw two things off the counter and I sat quietly because I did not want my temper to fly. He continued to speak as though he had an audience. "She is wearing panties from when she was in college and does not think she has to seduce me anymore. I tell her I like the pair she wears to work and she won't wear them for me, but she'll wear them for the n*ggers she f*cking at work. TELL ME WHY YOU WORE THOSE? I'm not a stupid guy. All day she dresses like a gypsie because she does not think she has to impress her stupid boyfriend." I was wearing grey, pants and a pink polo sweater..apparently that is gypsie...
And so it continued. I've been so beat up, literally and figuratively and so confused when things are good, I feel like the luckiest woman on the face of the planet.
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A
female
reader, brownsugar33 +, writes (27 September 2009):
One question what does wearing matching bra and panties mean to him??? Are you serious honey he is too jealous watch out, the next thing you know he will be counting your female hygiene products.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): Your boyfriend is insane and I would break up with him before he demonstrates even more insane behavior.
Just like you, I wear matching underwear because I like the way I look in it, not to impress anyone else. There's nothing weird about that, and he is the one with the problem.
(P.S. Regarding OzBloke's answer: black panties can also indicate that a woman does not want to have to worry about staining them when she is on her period...so, no, they aren't a particularly reliable indicator of a woman's sexual availability)
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A
male
reader, Snoopy99 +, writes (25 September 2009):
Sorry, but he sounds like a mentally deranged drongo. Dump him and find someone who's got some interesting 'issues' to occupy their mind with!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): I don't understand this at all. Like who is going to see them while at work or anywhere for that matter. If he is worried that it will make it easier for you to have sex with someone else if you have matching underwear, then that is ridiculous. Does he think that there is a guy in the world who would say to you after your are undressed in front of him, "Oh, I don't want to screw you. Your panties don't match your bra."
Unless you wear thin light colored tops and pants, no one is going to know what color your bra and panties are. Who cares? I don't remember ever dating a woman who wore matching bra and panties. What is the big deal?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 September 2009):
 Um, up until I had children ALL my bra's and undies matched - they are a SET like 2 socks are a pair. Once you have kids you kinda wear what is practical.
Does he think that you wear matching sets because you are being unfaithful?
He has some serious control issues.
Dump him, if this is the most MINOR of hi control issues, it will only get worse.. what's next? your pudse and shoes match? and he freask..?
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (25 September 2009):
 I really think your boyfriend has some issues. I generally think that most women like to wear nice undies, regardless of what they are going to be doing. We know what is underneath, and if we feel comfy and happy in them, then we feel more confident. If my boyfriend had a go at me for wearing matching bra and pants, I would think he had a screw loose. Whether you are matching or not, it has nothing to do with your ability to cheat and stay faithful. It is a silly notion, and I think your boyfriend needs to grow up, and become less insecure. Maybe because he has cheated, he thinks you will too. He may be trying to reverse the guilt.
OzBloke, I personally would never be seen in anything other than matching underwear. I cannot abide it not looking nice, or matching. Maybe that makes me a bit of a control freak, I dont know. I cant actually remember the last time I didnt have a matching set on. As for the colour, I dont think that has anything to do with sexual intentions. I wear black underwear a lot, and its certainly not because I intend on going to have sex! lol
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): Hi everyone, thank you for the responses. (I am the original poster.) I would like to clarify that yesterday, for example, I wore a matching panty and bra set and when I got home, we lazied around, ate dinner, and before I took my evening shower I stripped down because I wanted to have sex. ...His response was "Well, you certainly wore sexy bra and panties to WORK; what...do you think I'm stupid? I'm Italian, I'm not the stupid American man you can make a joke of".I tried explaining that I do it for myself, not for anyone else and that it was really sad that he has never seen that (this is the most minor of control problems.)Any further suggestions how to handle the situation?
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A
male
reader, OzBloke  +, writes (25 September 2009):
I think you boyfriend has lost his marbles, but at the same time I may have an insight in to what his thinking is.Years ago, my wife told me something I still remember. I forget how the topic came up. My wife explained to me female underwear as was her understanding. This may be rather localised, perhaps just the school or family she came from. Or perhaps it is common.She explained to me that if a woman is having a normal day such as errands, work or anything non-specific she does not worry much about which bra or panties she wears. Wearing black panties, can indicate she intends to have sex. If a woman wears matching panties and bra, she intends for them to both be seen.This is by no way a fact for all women, but it is something my wife explained to me. I can't recall all her exact words, so I can't quote her, but I got the impression she was not making it up but reciting something she well knew. Just as though it was something she was taught by her mother, or peers, or something along those lines.I am not excusing your boyfriends' behaviour and his attitude is no doubt uncalled for. You are not doing anything wrong wearing matching panties and bras. But perhaps this gives an idea of what the problem is? Maybe he's heard something like what my wife told me.
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A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (25 September 2009):
 Not right at all. I mean, does it really matter? Women wear matching sets...period.
What does he want you wear? Boxer Briefs & a Tank Top? :)
If he's giving you issues about something like this, he will do way more in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): wtf !! i've never heard this before in my life. Obviously your boyfriend doesn't trust you when your apart from him and that's just wrong. If you don't trust your spouse or they don't trust you, then there's really no point in being with each other. Trust is very important and the both of you need to have it and if he doesn't trust you, then i would say to break up with him. Good Luck =]
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female
reader, ButterflyKisses +, writes (25 September 2009):
IMHO, the underwear/bra combo is irrelevant. Why are you with someone, who has been unfaithful to you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): This is ridiculous. It's overcontrolling. Anyway, how would he know what you wear, since he's gone? Maybe he wears matching bra and panties when he's apart from you! Ask him. Then break up with him. He's a nut case and you will have lots more trouble with him if you continue the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y +, writes (25 September 2009):
 Your boyfriend is a first-class jerk. He has control and insecurity issues which will eventually drive you nuts.
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