A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Anyone want to give advice on whether I should stay with my bf or not? Here's my story. I hooked up with a guy a couple years ago. We still talk here and there. Current bf asks me if I ever hooked up with him. I lie and say no. A few other times he asks and I say no but somehow he finds out I actually did. To retailiate (but I did not know at the time) he posts an ad seeking a hookup with naked pics of himself. A friend of mine recognizes him and has a little convo with him pretending shes someone else and doesn't know its him in which he says he wants to hookup. In the end she tells him she knows me. He quickly deletes the post of himself but she still has their convo and shows me. I confront him and he admits it. Claims hes mad because I lied to him and he will never do it again. Do I believe this? Is this really bizarre behaviour? Also not to sound conceited but I've been told that I'm way out of his league and the guy I hooked up with is really hot too. So is it major insecurity on my bfs part that made him do this? Before this, I was really happy, he was a really great bf. What should I do?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (21 March 2013):
Im not sure, but I think what describe is called "cutting off your nose to spite your face."
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Tit for tat is childish, but lying (in my book) is a deal-breaker. He kept ASKING you because he already KNEW you hooked up with the other guy, he just wanted to give you a chance to be honest.
However posting himself online is really stupid.
Talk it out. Learn to trust your partner. Learn to be honest.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): to the last female anon:No, the OP did not only just lie about her past. She also kept it a secret that she had slept with someone she is still friends with. When she did that, it meant she was continuing to associate with a former lover and not revealing it to her current BF. This is more serious than just lying about her past and it is a major part of what made her BF do what he did. I am not calling her BF innocent for the way he responded to her lies. He is clearly guilty of wrongdoing too for the way he reacted when he found out. But her keeping secrets about people who are still around is a betrayal. It is much more seriously wrong and disrespectful to her current BF than keeping sexual secrets about people who are long gone out of her life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): You lied about your past while he tried to cheat on you. To me he is more in the wrong. You slept with that guy before your present relationship. You bf is trying to sleep with someone else now while in a relationship with you. What he did is far worse than what you did.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): Girls can NORMALLY hook up with a hotter guy than she can get into a relationship with. That doesn't prove she is more desirable, that just proves she can find a man who may not be very picky about who he casually fucks. On average, most guys will LOWER their standards for hookups compared to relationships, while girls usually raise them. Its because more guys just want sex more often than girls do. So each individual guy usually struggles to keep his standards as high as normal (let alone higher) when it comes to casual hookups like girls do. Its just how the math works.A girl finds her "standards" by finding which guys will commit to being her steady BF who treats her well. The fact that a certain guy might sleep with the girl causally tells you nothing about whether or not he would commit to her. Committing means making sacrifices to have her instead of just enjoying her body when its offered up for free.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2013):
 who said the hook up guy was more attractive?
pretty judgmental of you, OP.
If you can't understand that LIES are the worst thing you can do in a relationship I'm not sure we can help you.
How did your boyfriend know to ask about this guy?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): "What does it really matter if I hooked up with someone way before we started dating? I don't think I'm superior and I was just trying to figure out if my bf did this because he felt inferior to a more attractive guy."
OP how is it that you don't get this? You lied, broke his trust he reacted by feeling he had a right to go hook up with others because obviously you don't mind lies and doing things behind his back so he felt he should too.
OP you're not going to get it, you obviously don't think you did anything wrong here at all so you're quite simply not going to understand why he did it.
I'll say it once more, you lied about hooking up with a guy you still have contact with. It would have been fine if you were honest, why would he care? But you decided to lie, that means your untrustworthy and your reason for lying is just bullshit and I wouldn't believe it for a second if I were your boyfriend.
Nothing is going to get solved here because you can't see that you're the reason he did it, you're the reason this situation has ended up like this and you refuse to see anything wrong with it.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 March 2013):
 well you did lie to him. so whether you realize it or not, he's got a very legitimate reason to be insecure. if my gf lied to me, i'd lose my trust in her, too.
now, does that justify what he turned around and did in return? hell no. hooking up with a guy before you met him is way different than him hooking up with a girl while being with you. of course, the difference being that one is cheating while the other isn't.
i don't blame him for being hurt by your lies. however, if this is how he handles his issues with you (cheating), i suggest you two have a serious sit down and talk or you two part ways, as you're not quite ready for a healthy relationship together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): Well you made the comparisons between the guy and your boyfriend in your post, you see your boyfriend as inferior to the other guy so whether your boyfriend knows this or not, the other guy is a realistic threat to your relationship. Your boyfriend is realising that you are capable of keeping secrets from him and will not trust you now I imagine, and that is the trouble.
I think you should allow your boyfriend to get on with his life, if he's hurt over this and can't forgive you and trust you anymore than that is something that can't be changed, the damage is done. If you find the other guy incredibly more attractive than your boyfriend then go and be with him and stop living a lie and wasting yours and your boyfriend's time.
I say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): As the original poster I want to clarify that I barely ever talk to the guy I hooked up with, it was several years ago and its just small talk, nothing is going on between us. And the only reason I lied was to spare my bfs feelings because I didn't want him making comparisons between himself and the guy. What does it really matter if I hooked up with someone way before we started dating? I don't think I'm superior and I was just trying to figure out if my bf did this because he felt inferior to a more attractive guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): I think you should both split up to be honest because you lied to him about another man, then you confess on here behind your boyfriends back that the other guy in question is really hot, you're boyfriend is not in your league anyway, and now this... What are you together for if you don't mind me asking?
Sounds a very childish and immature relationship.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 This situation is already very toxic. You need to cut ties with everyone involved, learn from it, and move on. This behavior is quite childish on both parts. Grow up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): Sorry, I never answered your last question.
What I would do is realize how much of a betrayal lying to him about talking to this other guy behind his back was. If I wanted to keep this relationship then I'd then apologize and remove this other guy from my life completely as a sign of faith. I'd then ask him to apologise for what he did and I'd talk things out and make us both promise that there will be no more lies and no other people hidden in the background and start afresh.
If none of those things can happen then I'd walk away.
You're both at fault here OP, you seem to only be focusing on what he did wrong because apparently being out of his league gives you a pass on bad behaviour or something.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): Oh I see, so you don't understand this "lower level" guy that shouldn't have even gotten a girl as amazing as you in the first place could do something like this?
Simple OP, you're not amazing, you're a liar. Now he's free to hook up with whoever he likes and will do so because he can't trust you anymore and this relationship is just not the same.
You've been going behind his back to talk to "here and there" with a guy you used to hook up with and then you lied to his face over and over again. Let me guess, it was another guy wanting to bone you who said you're out of his league? No matter, whoever said it obviously doesn't know you're untrustworthy as a partner and frankly you're above anyone in any league OP. How is he lucky to be with a liar?
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A
male
reader, nitroman008 +, writes (20 March 2013):
Basically you owe him an apology. You messed up first. Stop being a dramatic liar as most women usually are.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 March 2013):
 IF I posted naked pics of myself on-line, my S/O would believe, only, that I was trying to get myself arrested by the morality or silliness police.....
P.S. .... or the "stupidity" police....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2013):
YOU lied about a guy you hooked up with and are still friendly with?
your friend plays silly honeypot games with him....
two wrongs don't make a right and doing something because you are mad to get back at your partner is more childishness.
wow... if you want to make it work you owe him all the truth and i would end the friendship and all contact with the guy you hooked up with. You also lied and have to deal with him never trusting you... is it worth it?
you seem to think you are better than your boyfriend and out of his league and he should be lucky and grateful to have you... "Also not to sound conceited but I've been told that I'm way out of his league and the guy I hooked up with is really hot too." tells me you believe this...
except to me your not worthy of him due to your LYING.
so if he's willing to forgive you for your lies
and you are willing to forgive him for his childish retaliatory behavior, you probably can stay together for a while longer
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A
female
reader, misLadYd..  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 give each other a chance.you give him a chance and so should he. Neither one of u is perfect...ppl make mistake but they learn and forgive and forget. So try again
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (20 March 2013):
Forgive him and continue with a happy relationship. Two of you just got mad and after all, the two of you aren't perfect.
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