A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I made a fake profile today on a social network and decided to add my boyfriend and see what he would do. Before him, I was in a really bad relationship full of lying and cheating, so I guess you can say I've become bitter and distrusting. I know he had messaged back and forth with two girls in the past, as I saw the messages. He doesn't know I saw them and I didn't bring it up because it all seemed friendly to me. Well, he just accepted my friend request and sent me a message. I know it'd be wrong of me to lead him on and I couldn't confront him about it if it did turn sour, but I can't help but want to try. What the heck is wrong with me? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (16 February 2011):
 I can understand your need to test your man, (we never really know the person we're with and are forced to accept our mates words as truth), but if he's never wronged you in the past then it's better to upload GoldenEye on his computer and do a background check --with him knowing about it. To betray him with a secret identity is a trust buster right there!
Whats even better than spying is to test with actions ("actions speak louder than words"). A man who loves you will not exhaust you mentally or emotionally, but he will love you the way you need to be loved...and if you're not feeling loved, then you need to communicate with him and tell him and/or show him how you need to be loved. Encourage him to do the same.
Obviously there is something going on between the two of you, which is making you suspicious and making him curious about other women. Your trust issues might be pushing him away?? (hard to say without knowing more)
For sure, you both need to come clean, and work on how to improve your love for each other, instead of playing games.
Take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): OP here.. As guilty as I feel about trying to trap my bf, I must say I'm kinda glad that I did it.
After he had accepted my friend request, he sent a message asking if he knew me. I wasn't planning to answer but eventually gave in and messaged back and forth with him a bit, trying to be as flirty as possible. It was simple conversation like where we're from, etc. He didn't reciprocate with the flirting and when I finally asked if he had a girlfriend, he said yes! Now I can only hope that it was me that he was talking about (lol).
I know it was wrong of me, but I did get a small sense of relief out of doing it. However, that bitter and untrusting side of me still thinks that just because he didn't pursue anything this time, doesn't mean he never will with a different girl. How jaded am I..
Anyway, just figured I'd leave an update. I plan on deleting the profile and I won't be testing him like this ever again.
Thank you all for your advice!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): Obviously, I'm in the minority here, but I think it’s a good idea to always test a potential mate, even hire a private investigator if you can afford it. Leave no stone unturned. The risks are too great not to. This isn't about jealousy; everything about a dating relationship is a test to see about compatibility. I say test with everything you have and build the kind of trust that will last a lifetime. Do not ever start out with the trust, as that is sheer folly, and is like starting out respecting someone. It simply is not possible. You can treat someone with respect but to feel true respect it must be earned, the same goes for trust. In this day and age you need to know who you are dealing with; your very life and health depend on it. Do not waste a second finding out "who" you’re dating, you owe it to yourself to find out by any ethical means, and "setting someone" up is a wonderful way to test someone’s character. I have done it and always have told a potential mate to test away as I want her to know exactly who she is dealing with. It is too easy to lie and scam to ever trust anyone at face value until you truly know them and they have done the right thing in difficult or tempting situations. Think if it was one of your daughters, if you had doubts about a boyfriend, would you not be willing to put the guy to the test? Anyway, it has always served me well and I have had some great relationships over the last 40+ years and I am currently married to the best woman on earth who has an open invitation to test me, or whatever, any time she is in doubt as I have nothing to hide. I have found without exception that the least trustworthy people have the biggest problem with what I have said. Beware the private person. You will thank me someday.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (16 February 2011):
 hi
all he has done is reply to the friend request. do not try to lure him in further. just leave him be, leave him as a friend and just see does he seek you out and if so what is the nature of his conversation. if you do start conversations with him and he replies you will probably read more into it, no matter how innocent it is. you have unfortunately been infected with a trust issue by someone you have been with in the past. please try to realise though that not all guys are the same
xx
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 February 2011):
 Did he ever do anything to you so that you do not trust him? Do not bring your old relationship into your new one, or you will only rotten away and never get anywhere good. You want a relationship built on trust? Then trust him. Don't fill your time with setting up traps, or snoop, or sink so low as to spy on him. That's really bad, and you can only imagine how he'd think if he knew about all of this.
Is this the type of relationship you want? Or do you want something better? It starts right now with you changing your actions and mind-set. There are no guarantees in life. There will never be anything that can guarantee that he wont cheat. So far he hasn't, or at least you've not found any clues of it despite snooping around and setting up traps. But the more you spin your web the more tangled in it you'll be.
Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't then break it off. If you do trust him: stop the snooping and setting up traps to "catch" him. All you are doing so far is corrupting what could be a great relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 February 2011):
Since you're not getting to the stage where you so distrustful you have to set up a fake account, I think the time has come to think about whether you really want to be with this guy. There seems to be no trust here at all.
Rather the continuing with the test, decide whether you'd be better just ending it now.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): Nothing is wrong with you. Sounds like you have had some bad experiences in the past and you are having trouble moving beyond that. When you have been with distrusting guys, liars and cheats it seems you can become a magnet for them in future relationships mainly due to low self esteem. To break the cycle is hard because you probably don't think you deserve better and will always find it hard to trust a guy. This can in turn push a guy away if he feels you do not trust him and are anxious at everything he does. Men are not quick to pick up on a lot of things, but on the matter of trust they seem to pick things up rather quickly. It sounds you had a good enough reason not to trust him what with the messages he sent to two girls previous and now accepting your friend request. That to me seems a little suspicious.
Have you given yourself much time since the last relationship you were in to this one? It really is always good to allow yourself some time before moving on to the next relationship and build your confidence again. It seems that this relationship is already knocking your confidence due to mistrust. I don't know what you should do, if you are prepared to get hurt and find out the truth than you could continue using the fake profile, but there is a risk you could get found out. If you really love the guy and he loves you then perhaps be open with him and say that due to past experiences you find it hard to trust people and that you need reassurance, more so than most. If he can't or doesn't reassure you and you continue to feel mistrust than it might be best to walk away form this relationship, sad but true.
All the best and take care, sometimes you need to look after number one and don't ever forget, you are worthy and deserve the best!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): You say your relationship is full of lying, cheating, and distrust. My question to you is: where do you want to go from here? Do you want to heal and make the relationship better? Or do you want to get closure with this guy and be able to move on?
If the answer is the latter - closure - I still don't think the deception is a good idea. Sure, it might give you evidence that he's definitely a cheat and a liar. Maybe you feel right now that you need that to be able to move on. Maybe you're imagining yourself, armed with evidence of his intention to cheat, confronting him once and for all before you head triumphantly out the door. However, there are some problems with that picture. First of all, you don't really need any more than you already have to close the door on this relationship. You are already unhappy, mistrustful of him, and you say you're bitter. That's a shame - you're too young to be so disenchanted with love. Second, as a strategem it may not work. He could turn around and say 'I knew it was you all along and was torturing you back''. Then you will both be left wondering what has made you descend to these levels of oneupmanship, instead of just calling time on a failing partnership.
However, if you do want to be in this relationship still, this is an even more disastrous strategy. First of all, finding out that he's prepared to cheat will be hugely painful. You'll always wonder if, in real life, he might not have gone that far. Secondly, this is not a healthy road to go down. It's not going to help either of you to deal with your mutual trust issues, and it introduces a new level of spite and oneupmanship into the relationship - natural enemies to the understanding, sympathy, and compassion that should be there.
But you've already started this game, so how do you get out of it? Well, you can do two things. You can either just leave the profile be, and pretend like nothing happened (the low risk strategy that preserves the status quo), or you can use the situation to precipitate a crisis in your relationship (higher risk), by gathering a small amount of evidence of inappropriate flirting on the profile, and then fessing up to what you've done. You can explain that you feel ashamed of your behaviour, and that you think there are serious trust issues in the relationship. If he wants to confront these with you, some couples counselling might be helpful. If not, it might be time to end things between you and find someone with whom you feel a bit more comfortable and trusting.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): You are making what they call a honey trap. It does sound as if you have trust issues and you must feel uneasy about going down this road. Stop and think. Do you really want to lure your boyfriend into contact on FB. It will make you feel bad about yourself and funnily enough I doubt if it will give you any peace of mind. He may just be a sociable guy. So I would hold off and really put the tracking to one side for now and try and deal with your trust issues.
...............................
|
