A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi again.. I'm had a huge argument with my boyfriend of 2 years last night.. We argued over how he's getting to the airport when he goes on holiday with his friends in March. I'm upset he's going away for one and secondly I wanted to take him to the airport.. He and his friends have now decided to take the train and I feel really angry and upset by this as all I asked is to take him. Anyway I was trying to tell him I feel but he wouldn't listen and every time I spoke kept talking over me..this went on for about 10-15 mins, I got angry and slapped his arm..he walked out so I chased him but he got in his car and drove off so I called him and now he says its over.. I'm not a violent person, I didn't mean to hit or hurt him and I don't wanna loose this relationship! He says were over now and told me to stay at my mums tonight which I understand, he told me to get my stuff in the morning and leave. How can I show him I'm sorry and that I didn't mean to hurt him.. He's the love of my life and it breaks my heart to be without him.. Please help
View related questions:
on holiday, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 January 2016):
 "What's the big deal ?".... I am sure the anon male reader will understand what's the big deal the first time he gets slapped by his partner for having said or done something annoying or out of order ! Doing something " wrong " happens to everybody sooner or later. Luckily, NOT everybody gets slapped ( nor would accept to get slapped ) for their faux pas.
Yes, I am sure you did not harm him , you never meant to hurt him physically, and he did not even feel the slap per se. BUT : it does not matter if you hit hard or not- it's the boundary you cross. For some people ( most , I would hope ) it's a deal breaker ; the simple fact of laying a finger , not jokingly , and unallowed, it's taking a liberty that can't be tolerated even ( in fact, least of all ) between lovers. As day care teachers would say : " Children, use your words. Not your hands ! ".
Anyway, I don't believe that he dumped you just because of a slap on his arm. I think that the slap was the straw which broke the camel's back- it came after you giving him a hard time about this holiday, and kvetching about his transportation to the airport. You had been trying to control him and to mommy him and he did not like it. He is a young man going away with a group of his friends and peers, the train ride together IS part of the fun - what a dope he would have looked if he had been the only one with a trepid gf doing her " Casablanca " number at the airport !
Now, there are persons who do not believe in taking separate holidays when they are part of a couple, and that's a legitimate preference too. But if you are among them, either you lay down the law at once, at the beginning of the r/ship, and express clearly what are your expectations and limits in terms of individual freedom so that hopefully you can find some sort of mutually acceptable guidelines. Or else, you find a bf who feels just like you about going solo - i.e. , that it's a no-no.
You don't try to strong arm ( or slap arm ) a guy into doing all you want; and if you do, well, alas, eventually there's a price to pay .
Said that, I feel anyhow that his might have been a rash, knee-jerk reaction fueled by surprise and anger. If other than that, yours has always been a good relationship, he'll probably reconsider and try to patch up. In this case , though, hopefully you will have learned in the meantime an important lesson about how loving people and micromanaging all their choices are two very different things.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2016): OK, so far am the only one, who is on your side, what's the big deal, of you taking him, to the airport, you slap him on his arm, wow. He had to be a big man to his friends, funny is he broke up with you, on his way to his vacation, with his guy friends,now, he can have all the sex with other women, hey we broke up, might be wrong, don't contact him, when he gets back, I bet he will contact you, cause, he knows you love him, make him believe, you don't care, let him suffer, like the old saying you don't realize what you had until it's gone, make him wait, an am a guy telling you this, cause women do it to guys all the time too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 January 2016):
 I'm with Ciar.
It's not about how sorry you feel, and not really about the arm slap - but the fact that you seem to think that what YOU want is more important than when HE wants. He was trying to be practical and just take the train but you HAD to make drama out of it, to try and "get your way".
Unless you can LEARN that a relationship is about compromises and not one person always having it their way.
All you can do now, is get your stuff tomorrow and LEARN from this episode. LOOK a little closer at your own behavior and maybe (hopefully) you will realize that you acted like an unreasonable, controlling drama-llama.
You don't own him. He CAN take a vacation with a friend. He CAN take the train to the airport. And you CAN accept that you may resent him going on holiday without you, but it's not going to get you anywhere.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): You completely overreacted to him changing his mode of transport! Why did you convince yourself it was sucha big deal. Time for you to reflect is probably good for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 January 2016):
 I don't think he left or that the relationship is over because you slapped his arm. I think the big picture is that you and him argue too much and he doesn't want to continue.
I sucks, yes, but accept that this is his choice and respect it. He doesn't want you in his life. He didn't even want you to take him to the airport, can't you see yourself why? If he wanted you to drive him then he wouldn't have arranged something else with his friend, and clearly there was a problem with him going away in the first place. Clearly there are other BIG issues here that are not resolved, and this little slap on his arm is nothing in comparison. You couldn't resolve the big problems, so you ended up with more problems (the drive, the slap, the breaking up).
Just leave it at this. There are other men out there! Yes, you love him, but he is not part of you, you will not die without him, you will continue to breathe and live and you will be happy again. Let him go.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): Sounds like you have control issues to me. I don't blame him for walking out. You do not realise how exhausting it is the be on the receiving end of a control freak.
So what if he wants to get the train and start the holiday with his friends having a laugh, travelling together. What is the problem? He is going away with a bunch of friends and he would feel left out with them all starting the holiday together and him getting a lift off his girlfriend because she is too scared to let go of his hand!
You need to wake up and shake your jealous ways. What's more, slapping his arm playfully is one thing but slapping his arm in a fight shows signs of rage/serious aggression/lack of self control, no wonder he left. So would I in those circumstances!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 January 2016):
 OP, whether you're sorry or not is irrelevant. Abusers are always 'sorry' after the fact.
You tried to control him, when that didn't work you tried to guilt him and when that didn't work you got violent.
So he's going on a short vacation with friends. So what? And they want to take the train to the airport. Again, SO WHAT? What's wrong with that? Why do you have such strong feelings about it?
You need muster up whatever dignity you have left and make other living arrangements. Your whole attitude and your behaviour are outrageous.
...............................
|
