A
female
age
30-35,
*ovehel
writes:Both 23. It has been 2 weeks and everytime I hear nothing from him I am slowly hardening my heart to ever speaking to him ever again.He has been in college these past years, and has not been that happy but I stuck by him, when he got a job a few weeks ago, I was excited said we could go on little holiday or start making plans for once, but he started acting different. He was happier but not asking to see me at all, just texting me every once in a while when I'd be asking where he has been just replying that I am cute or he loves me. Yet wanted to spend no time together.He disappeared for 3 days, when I saw him eventually one night, he seemed excited to see me, kept telling me to say I love him on the phone, I didn't. He ended up being 30 mins late. He had nothing organised other than going drinking, was not in the mood, and was annoyed that he had basically stopped hanging out with me since his life had got better.I asked him why he has become so distant, I wanted to understand? He told me he was doing this and that with friends, that were not married, to stop b*tching, that he should have brought his friend so I didn't bring this up, he ended up walking around real slow around the city, we ended up calling it a night, we were both miserable at this point, he told me to stop focusing on him, to go make friends, it felt like a stab in the stomach when I had been there for him so much. I could have easily walked away, when his mom literally bullied me and was so nasty to me. 2 mins from my home he said this isn't working out casually, no emotion.2 weeks later no contact, doesn't even care to ask if I am ok? Discarded me like a piece of rubbishI thought there was love there, now feel that maybe I was delusional.Did ex use me for 6 years purposely until he knew his life was going to get better? and then just decide it was the right time then? did he lie to me for 6 years? It seemed to be like water off a ducks back for him, no big deal.What do you think caused this? feel he used me to make his miserable life easier?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): I had something very similar happen to me at your age. I had been going out with someone for 4 years. He then got a new job and a couple of months later he dropped me without so much as a by your leave. I was shocked and it was only on our last meeting that I had any inkling.It transpired that he had his eye on another girl at his new job who he subsequently dated, then married, then cheated on, then divorced.Unfortunately these things happen. It doesn't mean that he didn't love you or care about you or mean everything he said for the six years you were together. When people decide to end a relationship they reach a point where they decide that person isn't for them anymore. You met when you were very young and most of us change a lot between our teen years and 20s. I know it's hard but you have an opportunity to find someone that suits you better.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (3 July 2016):
 I'm very sorry you're still struggling with this, OP; I've read your other two posts on this guy and I think counselling may benefit you to help you heal.
You were together on and off for a long time, so you can't expect to have moved on yet, but you won't find comfort in our answers.
Try to rebuild your life, as I know you let it revolve around him. Now you're free to be your own person, not just "Bob's girlfriend".
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): i like janipegs idea that he's a secret alcoholic because he is definately a secret keeper.Did he get a sudden case of amnesia and forget you entirely?Fortunately you now know that he is insensitive to your emotions but not so insensitive that he cant have a bit of manipulation going on.In these cases "why?" is not a relevant question.Fortunately some higher celestial being has decided that this guy is no longer getting his paws into you.You are a free lady right now.Free not to worry about why and free to make new plans.When he finally arrives at "but we can be friendz" just tell him "i dont need friends like you and shut the door firmly inhis face yelling " No hard feelings!"as you slam it!you are not alone in this.many many women brush this kind of man off like grated parmesan on an over cooked pizza so very firmly move on and up and away from mister wrong!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): It seems that he got the cold feet when you started planning for the future.Obviously he is not ready to settle down yet.My advice is go out and enjoy yourself and forget about him for the time being. If he truely loves you he will come back.If he doesn,t,that is it.He is gone.Nothing gained nothing lost.
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (3 July 2016):
 I understand where your coming from. Your hurt, your wounded and thats understandable, anybody in your position would be. I can tell you will take a long time to heal because this will cause an awful lot of bitterness and anger. I can tell you loved him and now your starting to hate him, totally understandable as I said but totally poisonous in the long run not just for you and your soul but for any future relationship.
In answer to yout question. No he did not "use you for six years" - I am sure there was love there and you are not delusional. For whatever reason the love that you had was finite and it simply ran out. Why is a bit of a mystery and to be honest for you to be able to move on you will need an answer to that in the long run and he will have to man up and tell you because you deserve that and you certainly do not deserve this. Stop beating yourself up. It isnt helping and it will just prolong the agony and cause further soul-destroying bitterness.
I cant tell you what caused this. YouWish has it about right and he was probably disconnecting for months previously. She may have a point that its simply a case of young love running its natural course and dying but hard to know without knowing more. I know thats not particularly helpful and this is the question you need to be answered the most. One thing I will say is this, you say "He has been in college these past years, and has not been that happy" which to my mind gives us the slight hint of a whiff of depression and people who suffer from depression can become erratic in their behaviour and push loved ones away. Not excusing his behaviour at all but I get that you need to understnad the most now.
Take your time. Talk to your friends about how your feeling. Build a strong support network and eventually in time you will heal. This is the start of a long and ardorous journey but you will make it in the end, good luck :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (3 July 2016):
 Unfortunately, he was disconnecting from you possibly for months before it happened, which is why it seems like he's just dropped you with no difficulty on his part.
Gone are the days of our grandparents marrying their high school sweethearts and staying married for 75 years. Our culture of today glorifies casual singlehood, sexual variety, and youth.
In his case, I'd say since you both started going out at age 17, he grew apart from you, started tasting new social circles because of his college and job, and decided to leave you.
In your case, it may not feel like it now, but it's a blessing in disguise for you. He wanted the freedom to go drinking and not have a girlfriend, but it also allows YOU that same privilege. You can choose a guy based on more than high school qualifications.
You're more of an adult, so your new guy will reflect that progress your life has made. He, however, caught Peter Pan syndrome with drinking with buddies as its highest ambition. In this case, given that and his overbearing mom, you are in the best position of this whole blowup.
Grieve the loss of your relationship. Know that you now can dream so much bigger in all areas of your life now that he is not around to marginalize it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 July 2016):
 I am guessing he is an alcoholic and he knows he can't drink in front of you. You expect him to grow up, spend money on vacations and a future, and that future does not include him drinking whenever he feels like it. He chose alcohol over you. His motivation to get a job has nothing to do with being a responsible man but rather a means to earn money to do guy things and get drunk. Alcohol helps him to escape and to avoid responsibility. He has only enough energy to skate by the day, wearing the cloak of competence then at night he forgets everything and goes into a dark world. It's sad to realize that he has found his way to happiness, and that alcohol brings him more happiness than you do. Don't take it personally. It's his way, no matter how messed up it is.
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