A
female
age
41-50,
*ngelmaz
writes:this is a very long story but ill give you the shortened version. I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years now. He moved in about 10 months ago with me and my two children. When we first met I told him alot of lies and he only found out the truth when he moved in with me. At this time my mother was living with me also and she is the one that actually told him the truth well started to. My mum and him dont get on since then. She hates him and says he is wrong for me she never wanvs to see him again. He hates her and says she is evil and a witch, He says she misleads me and never wants to see her. My mum does not mislead me she brought me up well and the lies were down to me not her. My problem is my boyfriend is now saying well demanding that i dont see my mum. He says i cant see her or my children see her. We are only allowed to see her once every two weeks or he says he will leave us. I hate the situation and I have been seeing my mum more than that behind his back with my children but i'm having to lie about it to him and bribe my children also. I hate doing this but i dont know what to do as I love my mum and my boyfriend. Please help.
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female
reader, angelmaz +, writes (10 August 2008):
angelmaz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for all your advice. I know what all you are saying is right and I should leave him. I'm just scared too. I'm scared of coping financally and not finding another man to be part of my life and my childrens lives. But I know I cant let him stop me seeing my mother. I just feel so confused.
A
female
reader, Angle79  +, writes (8 August 2008):
 Hi, I could see your boyfriend is controlling your life now.
I agree with Betty and others, We only have one mum in the world and we could have thousand of partners. Don't leave your mum. From what you told us, she seem to be a dear mum. Trust me, our mum never leaves us but your boy would. I wonder how your boy friend treats his mum????
You are paying bribe for children to not telling him they visit their grand mother? like hell! thats not good. Who is he? You can't keep doing, please do something with this man (leave him) and keep your mum. Mum wont let you down and i know mum always wants the best for her children.
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A
female
reader, betty backstabber +, writes (8 August 2008):
 don't ever ever ever let your mum go ever! your mum is just about the closest person you will ever have in your life, if you have a good one at least as you do, and boyfriends will come and go all the time. What if you choose your boyfriend over your mum and then he leaves you so you have nobody? Because i'll tell you now, your mum won't forgive you for that. You only get one mother in this world, and you can have a thousand partners. I'd tell him where to go if i was you, imagine if one of your children disowned you because of a man/woman? Imagine how devastated you would feel. Please don't choose him over your mum its the wrong thing to do!
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A
male
reader, Shipwreckd  +, writes (7 August 2008):
 Leave now. Anytime a b/f or g/f gets in teh way of your family and friend relationships it's a pretty good sign that the b/f or g/f is a manipulative controller/abuser.
In your case, it sounds like your b/f is the contolling/abusing type. This will only get worse.
Let me repeat that:
This will only get worse.
Run while you still have your self-respect in tact. Do not pass Go, Do not collect $200. Just go. You can do much better.
Google: "Verbal Abuse" and "Emotional Manipulation."
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (7 August 2008):
 My husbands ex wife tore him and his family apart because she didnt get on with them, made things up about them and he wasnt allowed to see them. He was a fool and listened to her, she was very manipulative and he wasnt sure where his loyalty shoud be.
He made it up with them and now that Im on the scene his family think Im the best thing since sliced bread as I encourage him to spend time with them, plan family get togethers, go round on my own with our little boy (their first grandchild) etc etc.
Its so important to keep up your relationship with your mum. She may have to learn to not hate him but accept him as your choice of boyfriend, he doesnt have to see her but has to accept she is your mum and you should be allowed to visit her yourself. If he doesnt then I think you have to get rid of him x
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (7 August 2008):
 You can't let your boyfriend stop you seeing your close relatives, particularly not your mother. But equally, you can't let your mum's hate for him or his hate for her break up your relationship and your future with him. You need him too.
I don't think it's that he is some sort of control freak - not unless there's more that you haven't told us. I think the only way you're going to get a satisfactory outcome is to work at it and get them to settle their differences. You need to work out what they hate about each other - step by step, one item at a time. When you have that absolutely clear in your own head, then you have to talk to each of them separately then get them together to talk it out between them and with you.
I know - it sounds impossible when you have people who really hate each other, but unless you try to do it then you know that either your relationship with your boyfriend is going to break or, much worse, you will have to stop seeing your mother. Neither of those options is going to be pleasant or satisfactory; your boyfriend is still with you despite the lies you say you told - so you mean a lot to him and you have some leverage to be pushy about this. I'm sure it can be done if you are strong enough and determined enough to do it. What you really can't do is to continue lying to your boyfriend. Sooner or later you'll be found out.
Don't give up on either of them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): Unfortunately in this situation your mother comes first. She gave birth to you, she'll be there to support you in life no matter what happens. Boyfriends of two years don't have the right to demand such sacrifices. You need your mum, your children need her too. He has a right to dislike your mum, but to cut her out your life, to deprive your children of a grandmother is a very wicked thing to do. You love your guy, this I can understand, but he dosen't have your best intrests in mind. It is dangerous for this man to demand you cut contact with people who care about you, he sounds very controlling. Women who suffer domestic abuse and are hurt by men, find the first signs are the man tries to control them, then he demands they stop seeing their friends and family. Once your vunerable they start to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself, then the start hitting you. This may not be the case, but cutting contact with your mother because HE dosen't like her, this is a really big, big sign. He's not family, he's just some man, and he dosen't have the right to tell you what to do.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): You need to LEAVE HIM NOW!He's controlling and doesn't care about your feelings.That's outrageous,he won't let u see your mother when you want?That's the person who gave you life and raised you.You can't choose your boyfriend over your mom.You just can't,unless you have no heart.Just because he doesn't like her doesn't give him reason to control when you see her.What if she gets extremely sick and she's in such a state and your boyfriend doesn't let you see him?You're just going to abide by his rules?!If she was sick,then you should be there for her all the time that you can.When someone limits you from your family,they have gone TOO far.Break up with him and don't let him come back in your life.It's the best thing for you. Sorry if this wasn't what you wanted to hear,but it is the best thing to do.wish you the best.x
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