A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Dearcupid,My boyfriend and I have been together for about six months now, but there is an underlying problem in our relationship that I don't know how to approach. My boyfriend is kind, wonderful, so giving and supportive, but he has a hard time trusting me. He has been very seriously burned in past relationships and is also 14 years older than me. I am not a crazy partier or anything, but when I go out he worries about me. It's not like he calls me a million times or anything straight-up controlling, but when we see each other after spending a day or two apart he asks A LOT of questions. He asks a lot of questions in general, really. For example, I got a bruise from running into something a couple days ago, and he brought a lot of attention to it. I wore pants the past two days (I never wear pants! Just a personal comfort thing), and he was like "Is this why you've been wearing pants the past couple days?" But I don't know why he would think I was trying to hide it from him.... he didn't say this but I think he thought it was some bizarre sex bruise? He was strangely suspicious about my pants-wearing, and not in an anti-feminist way like it sounds, but just because it goes against my normal attire I guess.I have to admit that I was seeing someone else early in our relationship. My bf had implied that he wanted to be exclusive, but I had trust issues too (at the time) and since he is much older than me I assumed that he only wanted sex. I stopped seeing this person after things got serious with my current bf, but I think knowing this after the fact has also contributed to his paranoia, and I understand why. I was open about it and he forgave me. Honestly though, I think that the trust issues stem from more that just that incident. I also have a lot of friends who are guys. He is always asking questions, some of the ones that stand out are "but you remember everything that happened, right?" (if I was drinking without him) or "You've never talked about that friend before..(?)" or "So what have you been up to?" The last one sounds normal, but he asks it like my father would, which is to say it doesn't sound as casual as he means for it to sound. I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me, but the questioning makes me feel weirdly nervous and guilty. It's actually gotten to the point where sometimes I will lie to him... like saying I'm going home to sleep when actually I am going to the bar to have a drink with a few girls. This makes me feel guilty and I know it's making it worse, but in the moment it seems easier than having to answer all of his questions and worrying about saying the wrong thing. I have brought up the fact that it seems like he doesn't trust me before, but it hurt his feelings. He doesn't see what's wrong with just asking questions, and maybe there isn't anything wrong with it... it just makes me feel kind of like he's my dad or something, and I feel worried about answering "wrong" and making him worry even more. How can I approach this subject in a way that makes him understand? What would you do in a situation like this? What can I do to help him feel secure in the relationship? We see each other about every other day. I just want things to be good, and I don't want to feel so nervous around him, I feel like I'm under a spotlight at times and it's a lot of pressure even when I'm telling the truth, which despite what I wrote earlier is 90% of the time. I really love him and I really want him to trust me like I trust him.I know this is long, thanks so much for reading this. I really appreciate any perspective you can offer! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lkslrs +, writes (29 May 2012):
My boyfriend used to be like this, he would say "who have you been making out with? You have bite marks all over your lips" and the truth is it was just my bite marks and he wouldn't believe me, and I found out why, because he's insecure, he said I'm too beautiful to be with him, he thinks I'm gonna cheat on him or want someone who's "as good looking as me" but I love him, I love him with all my heart, but you know sometimes you have to let them know that they can trust you, you shouldn't lie, but you should tell him not to worry too much, tell him that you're not gonna cheat on him, tell him to trust himself and to trust you, tell him how it makes you feel to know that he doesn't trust you, trust is the number one thing in a relationship. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Lkslrs +, writes (29 May 2012):
My boyfriend used to be like this, he would say "who have you been making out with? You have bite marks all over your lips" and the truth is it was just my bite marks and he wouldn't believe me, and I found out why, because he's insecure, he said I'm too beautiful to be with him, he thinks I'm gonna cheat on him or want someone who's "as good l
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A
female
reader, Siteme +, writes (29 May 2012):
 Well I can answer this question standing on my head. It will only get worse if you keep answering his questions or lieing to him. You have to sit down with him and make sure HE know's that this IS a problem and it is HIS problem not yours. You are an adult and you stopped answering to daddy and mommy and sure as heck aren't going to start that again. He is a mild controller, we all have that in us, but it's how we deal with that. If you let this guy have his way, he will get worse. I would say walk away from him quickly to be truthful. I've been with so many controller's in my life. They want to cut out your friends and family and what is really weird, I did it! The reason I did it is because I didn't want to cause him any bad feelings. Now you have to ask yourself, do you want to live without friends and family or if you want to see your friends and family, do you want to sneak around and do it? No, you don't. You be good to yourself first, him second.
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