A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend hardly ever wants sex, I really do think it's wierd. Usually you hear that they are pests but my boyfriend isn't at all. It's not a case of I need to tell him, I've told him and his response is usually 'your a slag and I'm tired' even tired I would! He has got a very physical job, he basically works out everyday for his job.We've been together almost 2 years and have a 12 week old baby together. I think I feel like I want sex all the time because that's when I feel wanted? Almost every relationship I've been in they've put me down so I only feel like they actually want me when I have sex? Our relationship was quite abusive till I got pregnant then we got better. I was really lucky and am back to normal after being pregnant and joined a gym. He sometimes makes me feel crap about my weight but then when we are out he'll say 'we had a baby ___ weeks ago, you can't tell can you!' but he'll be a bit mean to me sometimes. I worked hard to try and keep in shape so feel a bit bad that he says no to sex!We do have sex just not as much as I want to. But the other night he said he says no sometimes because he knows I won't last long and will cheat on him because I can't last without it. It frustrates me we don't have sex when I ask him but I'd never cheat on him, I love him and would rather us stay as a family then split up over cheating.It really bothers him that I've been with more people than he has and that he knows some of them. But he got my number knowing I'd seen one of his friends so is it not unfair to call me a slag when he knew about the past? He thinks it makes me a slag when I don't think it does, I didn't know I was going to start seeing him, if I did I wouldn't of bothered with anybody else. We don't actually argue anymore just when I mention sex then if he says no I'll start asking why etc. If he asks me to do something to him instead of sex I don't reject him. I'm not shallow I just needed to let it out :)thanks for Reading if you have.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Thanks for all your responses :)
I think I will mention councelling to him when he gets home, alot of his issues are what he seems to have learned from his dad. His dad doesn't really help out relationship either he tells my boyfriend he should move back home and see me and the baby a few times a week and how he needs a break. we actually seem ok till he's nipped home then he comes back in a mood with me. From his brothers girlfriend I've heard that they do actually bad mouth me. I don't know why they do because I am nice to everybody and thought of myself as a nice person. They don't want my boyfriend to Stay living with me they want him back..I can't believe they encourage him to leave his own son for no reason.
When he says nasty things to me I will admit I call him back so we do need to get out of this vicious circle ecspecially for our baby. I don't want him to grow up and treat women like this or think it's ok to.
I hope we can sort it out it just seems that how I've seen other people it annoys him when he thinks about it. He has seen other people but I don't dwell on that because it's before me and it's about us now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Congrats on becoming a mother! It's a completely life changing experience. I love it.
Your boyfriends comments towards you are ridiculous. You just spent nine months being pregnant, Does he expect your body to go right back to what it was before you got pregnant? No. I don't think so.
I agree with the couples counseling, if you truly love him and can't live without him, then try some couples counseling. He sounds very insecure and unsure of himself. Almost as if he needs you to feel the same way, as if you aren't good enough, so he knows you won't leave him.
Don't push yourself too hard to lose all of your baby weight at once, it's unhealthy. Do what's comfortable with you, ok?
It also sounds like he might be using sex as a way to have control over you. Limiting when you have it and only he gets to initiate it. Sometimes after you have a baby, with the new baby in the picture now, most focus is on the baby and not on the sex life (but for guys that's pretty weird).
You only have one life to live. You have your entire life ahead of you with your son or daughter. Think about your wonderful, beautiful new baby and whether or not you can picture yourself in the relationship that your in and that child being raised in that environment. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. You don't have to put up with anyones bullcrap (perk of becoming a mother lol).
Follow your instincts. I don't know how much this has helped you, if at all, but I hope it does somehow.
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (16 November 2010):
Hello.
First of all, your man is being verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive towards you.
He is insulting you - Slag = verbal abuse. Slag is a truely demeaning and vulgar word and no woman should be tolerate it nor use it about other women themselves. 'You're a slag and I'm tired'. Wow...which charm school did he graduate from?
So, you claim he is also now deliberately with-holding sex as a weapon to frustrate you and make you feel insecure? This is accompanied by snarling at you that you are going to cheat on him. This is viscious behaviour. It is deeply insecure and resentful behaviour.
You are in a no-win situation. You want sex. He doesn't. He withholds sex to torment you and frustrate you. If you back off he will accuse you of cheating. You will become nervous of initiating any kind of sex because of his reaction.
Please try and get to a counsellor. I really think you need to get to the real issues behind both your insecurities and deal with them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Congratulations on becoming a mum... again. It sounds as if you already have one baby. In the shape of your partner. You arent a slag. You are the mother of his child and he should show you some respect. Dont be a doormat for this person. He knew you had been seeing one of his friends when he met you. If he had such a huge problem with that and regarded you as a 'slag', he had no business getting you pregnant. He may or may not be tired at night. But having sex with you, because he thinks you will cheat if he doesnt, is a poor reason for doing it. My advice would be to seek some counseling. Not for him but for yourself. It will help you to understand how you reached this point. And how to stop equating sex with being loved. Once you understand yourself a little better you will be able to cope with him in a more positive way. So cheer up. Dont argue with him or pressure him for sex. Instead, treat yourself to a voyage of self discovery and it will repay you x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Hiya
I think the nature of his job would be a lot to blame for the lack of sex drive. If he is not just mentally tired but physically form an exhausting days work he just isn't going to feel up to having sex as often.
But the comments he makes are completely inappropriate and unfair towards you. Its not like you were with any of the people while with him, you have been faithful and if he thought you were a slag why did he choose to go out with you and have a child with you?
I think it might be a good idea to have some couples couselling. The best company I've heard of is Relate they actually have people trained in sex therapy and can help you both address your issues and get you back to having a healthy relationship and hopefully put an end to his nasty comments about you.
It might be hard to convince him to go along with you and talk to a stranger but it will show him you are serious about making your relationship work and that you don't want to cheat-you want things to work with him.
I hope I was of some help. Good Luck in the future x
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A
female
reader, EtTuBrute  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Honey, there is nothing wrong with you besides the man in your life. He sounds insecure and like he needs to make you feel the same way about yourself. If this is a "better" relationship, I think you may need to look again. He sounds very emotionally abusive. :(
I'd give you the advice to stop trying to hard and let him come to you but I fear he'd just accuse you of cheating on him just because you haven't tried to have sex with him. Honestly, if you do this little test and see what happens, you may see the true side of your boyfriend.
I understand wanting sex often too so I have a stash of toys and porn just for those occasions. ;)
A relationship without trust is not a relationship at all. Obviously, this is lacking on his side.
I wish you luck and hope things get better for you. If not, he's not worth your time!
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