A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I believe my brother's wife is emotionally abusive to him. He and I share and run a business together and we were always close growing up (we're twins) so I know him very well.They dated for 8 years and I always thought she was bad for him right from the start. She is very over emotional and creates drama out of everything and demands he drop everything he's doing to tend to her bottomless pit of "needs". He is the stable rock solid one in their relationship. But now he's cracking. His life has been getting narrower and narrower cos he is not allowed to do anything he wants, everything he does is what she wants. If he doesnt do what she wants she uses emotional blackmail - throws tantrums like a child, assaults his character (tells him he is insensitive or uncaring or other guilt-trip), has crying fits until he finally gives in to make her stop. This goes for both trivial things and big things. She calls him at work like 10 times a day, it seems she can't or won't do anything for herself and needs him to "help" her decide what groceries to buy even though he's in the middle of a very important client meeting he's not allowed to miss her call. It's ridiculous. He was always complaining about her and truly didn't seem happy in his relationship but when he tried to break up she went hysterical and had a nervous breakdown and he felt so bad and like he was responsible for her well being that he got back with her.They got married 2 years ago. I told him he was nuts to marry her. She wanted to settle down and have kids and he didn't so she pulled another major crying fit that lasted for a month until he gave in and they got married. they have a 1-yr-old daughter now. Ever since he married her he's changed even more. He's no longer optimistic, spontaneous, risk taking, outgoing...now he's just a lemming. He complains about her a lot, says she controls everything from how their money is spent (even though it's he who is earning the money) to what social functions he is allowed to attend. Even with his own family - me and our other brother - she often won't allow him to get together with us cos she wants him to stay home and tend to her 'needs'...or whatever...Lately he's been getting flaky at work. He almost lost us a major contract. This is so not like him. So I've started being more blunt and telling him that his marriage is very unhealthy and is affecting him very negatively and if he doesn't stand up for himself his wife won't treat him better he should leave her for his own mental health. He just makes excuses for her behavior, just says oh she's just over emotional that's all, or it's just her time of the month being hormonal...I don't get it. On the one hand he's often complaining about her - how controlling she is, how he's not allowed to do anything or express his own opinions and he's very bitter...yet when I tell him then get OUT of that marriage, he does a 180 and now suddenly he's making excuses for her saying she's not so bad, he's over reacting, she's just over emotional that's all...I'm frustrated. He's my brother and I love him and have seen his personality change in a negative way ever since he married that emotional tyrant, and as a business partner I need him to not be flaking out. This is going to come between us. I really think he needs to get out of his marriage. How can I convince him of that? Why would someone who is being treated badly by their spouse and who feels so much anger and resentment toward her, nonetheless make excuses for her and refuse to leave?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): You are on the track with being blunt as blunt can be. It may make you feel horrible. But realise you are dealing with an enraged bullying TWO year old (mentality) adult woman who has got away with this all her life. I think humiliation is one option. Legally i think it may be possible to develop a big enough case against her to lodge an action in Court (civil) to ban her from harassing your work place and ban her approaching, entering or interferring with your business. Start detailing and quantifying the inconvenience she has caused, the time wasting, potential loss of business for you. And the pain and sufferiing and stress she has put you through. Take the gloves off. She fights seriously dirty. Maybe just blunt words will not be enough, Shock her with firmer action than you have ever taken. Make fun of her if you can. It sounds mean, but who ever returns 'like with like' And humiliation and underming if possible to make her doubt herself. Look at her shoes, burst out laughing, point at her shoes and ask her 'you shopping at Goodwill now. Gee they are ugly shoes'. Walk away, don't respond, but make sure you are still laughing as you walk away . If you get a Court (restraining ) Order and the order is breached the Police can be called - it is contempt of Court to ignore the Court Order. So disregarding a Court Order then becomes a criminal matter. So the police could arrest her. A Court Order that restrains her from doing the things listed in the court order. If you took out the Court Order just for you then it would also have the effect of giving you and your brother peace at work. Imagine if she was not allowed ever again contact or approach you anywhere, and had defined parameters (such as not get any closer than 800 feet fr you) and not allowed to enter your home and not permitted to enter or phone or approach your business premisesExpose her for the nasty piece of work she is and yes, be blunt. Normally i would never try to devise some really seriously diabolical actions to reign in her horrible behavior. But as a one off i have tried to think of how to escalate the responses and 'up the ante' to get some permanent change from her. And never allow her to know in advance any of your intended tactics.. Is your brother getting some kind of 'pay off'/'reward' in this relationship? Though what the reward i cannot imagine? He surely realise his wife's behavior is not normal? How do her own family deal with her? There may be an achilles heel somewhere, or a button pressed (an act by another) that her own family employed, or something they said to her, to call her to heel (sorry for dog metaphor) that might be effective as a blocker to her abuse? Seeing as he saw your Uncle abused, does your brother think this behavior is all he deserves? And her wicked behavior is a terrifyingly bad example for your niece to see and hear on a regular basis - tell your brother to realise this. Your niece is suffering when she sees/hears her mother's abusive behavior. I can see you are very resourceful at trying to deal with this. And you would like to relieve his suffering. My thoughts are with you,
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): With the evidence you have regarding your uncle could you present this to your brother and tell him straight - history is repeating itself!! It is sad but true that the 'scripts' that are written through families tend to keep playing out. It sounds like you have tried everything you can. I wonder if it is time you gave your brother an ultimatum - either he faces up to this or he will lose his family because you cannot and will not stand by and watch him get destroyed. If you can get his wife on her own it is time to tell her that you know what she is doing and its not going to be kept a secret or ignored any more. By 'going public' with this kind of thing - people are forced to face their reality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your responses.
I didn't mention earlier, but I've tried most of the things you guys have suggested. Being gently supportive, trying to set ground rules for the business, standing up to her etc. In fact I was doing variations of these for years since before they were married.
If I set ground rules for the business and stand up to her, she will initially say OK and for a few weeks is OK but gradually ignores the ground rules and goes back to being intrusive again. After several hundred times you get very tired of going through the same cycle with her.
I've been gently supportive of him for at least the last 6 or 7 years now and especially more so in the last 2 years (since they were married). It has had ZERO effect or at least none that I can see. that's why I've been lately getting more blunt and direct and "intrusive"...
What scares me is that we have an uncle who is in the exact SAME boat. Maybe this runs in the family. Our uncle has been married to an almost identical kind of woman for 45 years before he died recently!!!! I saw our mother (and our dad) try for years to get her little brother away from his emotionally abusive wife to no avail.
It's like history repeating itself each generation - here I am trying to get my bro to leave his emotionally abusive wife just like our mom tried with our uncle.
given our uncle's example, I really am scared that No, my brother will NOT eventually come to his own conclusion in his own time. That was what I thought 5, 6 years ago. He may just continue to take abuse for the rest of his earthly life. I do not want my twin brother to end up like our uncle!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): he's lost so much more confidence in himself than you realise. He feels trapped. He is hurting his own health with the abuse he is suffering. He is not able nor ready yet to stand up to his wife. And you cant address what happens in his home. Eventually, supported, he may get to the point where he calls 'time out' from her abuse. But he has to do it. His wife may well be psychologically unbalanced, so you cannot negotiate with her. However your business is a different matter. You can address unwelcome intrusions at your business. Your sister in law will only recognise an equal force and you may have to take some blunt action at work so that she does not jeopardise your business. A fact your brother well knows, and should accept. As his business partner you can set some ground rules. But do not warn her. Get his agreement and then implement the change. She is a bully, so she will rant and rave. Stay strong and continue to stand up to her, anywhere her efforts pose a negative threat to the business you and your brother run, as an example to your brother, and to protect the business. Occasionally schedule a last minute unexpected business meeting after work, with your brother only. Your sister in law can cool her heels at home. Turn off the mobiles, go to a quiet restaurant that is not near the home of your brother. You can phone her once, when you arrive at the restaurant, to say you and your brother are in a business meeting, so he'll be late home. Say 'bye' fast, hang up and turn the phone off before she has time to reply. You may even suggest that you, and your brother attend, on alternate weeks, a life coach counselling, with a trained psychologist, session during work hours to get both of you thinking and talking about his goals. It should be tax deductable in the business as 'training'. Discuss the business just with your brother. He does not have time to also do the grocery shopping and take care of your business together. These actions will bring out even worse behaviour from this woman. Your brother needs to see just how much terror she is capable of and to realise that appeasing her only gives her the feeling that she can escalate her bullying even more. I suspect no one has stood up to her since she was a tantrum throwing two year old. That is the mentality of this woman . Ask your brother to turn his personal mobile phone as soon as he gets to work, and leave it off. For the sake of the business. There is no crisis at home that she can't deal with, while he works. If she turns up at work order her out of the business premises and mean it. Call the Police to get her removed if she makes a scene. Never never never allow her to work in your business. Nor see the numbers in the business. For she is so unstable thay she will divorce him eventually. She would ruin your business if you gave her a chance. Get him a new business only mobile phone with a new number, and leave it at work when he goes home. Block her phone number Or at least ensure he never answers the landline when he is at work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Trust me that he will come to his own conclusion on it - frustrating as it is you need to back right off for a couple of weeks. When you confront him he does a 180 because he will naturally defend his wife from criticism - and he does not want to fail - he is a proud man deep down. The best thing you can do (from someone who has experienced emotional abuse within a marriage and needed her family to do this) is to state your concern for HIM - gently. Don't make it about his relationship. Ask him if HE is ok - say that it would be great to spend a weekend away the two of you - get some fresh air. Try and create some space for him - invite him out with friends. Offer your help by giving him the right vibes that you have noticed things like he is tired or lacking confidence or getting flaky and keep doing this - gently but supportively. He will gradually un-bury himself when he realises for himself how the marriage is affecting his life - I think he is in the denial phase but you come out of that through support not confrontation which can make you dig deeper. Remember he made the decision to marry this woman so hearing criticism can bring about a sense of embarrassment or shame. Have a think about small but significant ways you can highlight the changes, support your bro but not catapult him into defence mode. Give this approach 3-6 months and see how things go before making other moves. You certainly don't want to let his mental health decline.
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