A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:my partner (or ex partner as it stands at the moment) is 51 years old, I am 47. We have been together on and off for 12 months. We have just come back from a holiday in spain. We took both our daughters, mine is 10 and his is 14. They fell out a few times like kids do but nothing major. He now says he cant see a future with me because he cant see himself living with me, one of the reasons was that I am too soft on my daughter. We have talked about this in the past and he said he would like to sell his house and I sell mine and buy a house together, but hadnt made any concrete plans. He has had a number of relationships over the past 6 years which have always ended the same way. He has always found some fault or gone off with other women and ended the relationships as he seems unable to commit.I say we have been on and off for 12 months as he keeps changing his mind from one week to the next. He doesnt like me going out with friends, he is jealous of my ex partner before him and I had told him recently I'm going on holiday with some friends in a few weeks, which he said he was ok about but i'm not so sure as he keeps on about it. We are both jealous and find it hard to trust each other. I find it difficult to trust him given his past reputation. He says he loves me and last time we fell out his friend said he was very upset and that he did love me and had done so much more with me in our time together than he had with any of the other girlfriends he had had. The majority of the time we get on great but when we fall out he ignores me and its always me that does the running. Last Thursday we had a conversation about the future, as I questioning him about his feelings, and he said if I hadnt gone round to his house the last time (which was the sunday before) he wouldn't have contacted me (But on the Tuesday 2 days before he came round and brought me flowers and a present for my daugher and seemed fine.) He said he doesnt know what he wants and the following day he ignored me again until he found out my ex partner was at my house picking something up (as his friend was in the house opposite and phoned him) and he then phoned me to find out what was going on. I told him it was none of his business as he had finished our relationshop the evening before. He then texted me with "ok thanks". If he doesnt want me why is he jealous of my ex ? Am I wasting my time? I know it doesnt sound like it but we have had some great times together and I love him so much but I feel that I cant waste any more of my life on someone who doesnt know if they really want me ?
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female
reader, KittieS +, writes (14 September 2011):
 Have you ever heard about how men can be like rubber bands? They give and give and give - feel like their loosing themselves then withdraw... The less you chase, and "leave them in their caves if you like" they slowly return - the more you chase the further they run, the less chance they have to "find" themselves and "find" within them the desire to yet again give part of themselves to the woman in their life.My advise, let him go - get on with "you" time, focus on you and your daughter don't chase, He will then have time to think about what he really wantsWhen he comes back, accept him back but talk to him tell him in a non-blaming way about how you feel. (saying this as you say you love him and I think you do want him in your life) this means not saying "you went off and how could you do that to me" but something along the lines of "I understand you needed space, but I felt unhappy because I wasn't sure if you were coming back, if you need space again would you tell me so I know your coming back" then say nothing wait fir him to respondThen if you decide to let him back in to your life, give him one more chance - give him your rules (for me it would be you can have your space, you tell me that's what you need - you can't date other people but I will give you your space) next time (and each subsequent time) he goes and you leave him to it, and enjoy your life it will take him less time to come back to you.Best of luck
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (13 September 2011):
 Of course, you're wasting your time. Read you submittal again. In it, you enumerate the many reasons why you shouldn't get too close to him....IF you DO choose to get close, ... then also plan on getting hurt... WHO KNOWS how many times before you come to your senses and extricate yourself from this "relationship"... which, predictably, will be a nightmare for you....P.S. Think about your 10 year old daughter and what SHE stands to "learn" from this incident.....Good luck....
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 September 2011):
 don't just jump up and sell your house until this very questionable relationship is nore solid.Sounds real flimsy right now. Yeah we men are punks when it comes to commitment. There has to be a real good reason to commit..
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 September 2011):
 Hello,
Judging on what you have explained, your guy seems very mixed up and is definitely NOT giving off the right signals that indicate that he wants to be in a committed relationship with you. He may want to be in a relationship with someone but the way he has treated you indicates that he has no intention of letting things develop further between you.
There are several red flags here and major worries that are inconsistent with a happy loving relationship.
For a start, you don't trust eachother and he is very controlling (and it seems insecure)
He never comes running to you when you break up (it's always you that does the chasing)
His track record with relationships is very poor and people do not change their intrinsic behaviours.
He doesn't agree with how you raise your child.
Is this who you really want to be with or is he the best of a bad lot?
Are you afraid that you might not meet someone else you like as much as him?
Do you feel that if you don't continually push and mould the relationship, it's just going to fall apart?
He doesn't sound like much of a catch and I sympathise with you because I know it's much harder for women over the age of 40 to meet the right person.
I always say look at what a man does and NOT what he says.
Ok so his friends have told you he has made more of an effort with you but he hasn't exactly done his best has he. He sounds very skittish and afraid of commitment and doesn't seemed bothered at all that your relationship is over.
You have your own home and custody of your child, don't jepodise that for a bad relationship where the guy obviously doesn't care about you.
I wouldn't waste anymore time, move on and live your life for you...in time someone else will come along and he will be a distant memory.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2011): I think that this relationship may not be good for either of you even if he does love you. It seems you both have some major issues from your past that result in no trust and lots of jealousy. I think that if you do stay together you should agree to some couple's threapy at the very least.
Also I'm assuming your ex is your daughter's father? If so then he needs to understand that you will have a business like relationship with that person until your daughter is at least 18, and then you will still have to see him for things like college graduations, or weddings, or whatever your comes in the way of your daughter's life that requires her parents to be there. He should understand that since he has a daughter, too, but jealousy can be blinding.
I say this time don't chase him down. If you do all the running to get him, then maybe he should do some running instead. Take some time to get your head together. Work on yourself and your own issues, and just follow old saying of: "if you love someone let them go, if they don't come back it wasn't meant to be."
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