A
female
age
41-50,
*luffybarnbaby
writes:I have been with my boyfriend now for 5 months and I have a big problem – one of his ex-girlfriends.They have been broken up for over 3 years, didn’t go out for very long and my boyfriend says he never thought of her as anything other than a friend anyway so he should never have let it be anything else.But the fact is that it was more than just a friendship at one point. When my boyfriend broke up with his ex they carried on speaking on the phone and meeting up. In fact up until he met me they talked every week (Tuesday 6pm – for about 1 1/2hours) and met up most weekends, plus occasionally during the week.My boyfriend moved further away from his ex at the beginning of the year and their meet ups began to dwindle as it was harder for them to get together. Since he has met me there meet ups have become even less – we also live quite a few miles away so only get to see each other at weekends, occasionally during the week if my work takes me over to where he is. So he sees his ex about every 3 to 4 weeks for a few hours on an evening – phone call still every week (same day and time as always).So what? You are thinking?His ex refuses to meet me. She thinks it would be awkward, she doesn’t see why she should do, and as she only sees him so little she wants their time together to be just the two of them. Myself and my boyfriends ex are both members of an online group and I contacted her a couple of months ago – introduced myself, extended the hand of friendship, said I looked forward to meeting her sometime soon.Apparently I was out of order contacting her without asking my boyfriend first, and it was insensitive of me to bring up the fact that I had met him on the website. She was feeling, ‘sensitive’, and, ‘vulnerable’, about things.Anyway, I’ve asked my boyfriend on several occasions to ask his friend to meet up with us both, he has asked and she always refuses. She says too much water is under the bridge now because it has been left too long – so that would make it even more awkward. But I contacted her 2 months ago, what would have been awkward about meeting then.My boyfriend thinks I am making a fuss over nothing. He doesn’t see why I have to meet this girl, and he doesn’t see why it should be a problem that she is kept a separate part of his life (though she manages to meet his family and bring her friends along occasionally when they meet up). My boyfriend thinks that I want to meet her to show I’m,’top dog’, and to rub her face in the fact that we are togetherI do not believe for one second that my boyfriend has any feelings other than friendship for this girl, however I do not think that is the case with her. He says why is that a problem if he doesn’t feel the same way (though he doesn’t fully acknowledge that she still has feelings for him).This girl has only had one of boyfriend since my boyfriend and she broke up – another ex of hers, and she still carried on seeing my b/f every weekend etc rather than the man she was with – she considers him her best friend (he says I’m his best friend but he can’t help it if she feels like that about him). She has recently starting dating a guy from the website I mentioned before – he has the same name as my boyf and he even looks a bit like him!I find it all a very horrible situation to be in. I love my boyfriend very much, but it hurts that he continues to ignore my feelings by carrying on a relationship that I think is inappropriate, it hurts that he thinks I’m the one causing the issue by asking to meet his ex – rather than her causing it by refusing to meet me.Well I’ve gone on quite a lot about this – I could go on much longer about little things (she makes sarcastic little comments about our relationship etc.) but I won’t!What do you think? Am I causing a fuss over nothing – or am I right to think this friend needs to acknowledge my existence and right to insist she isn’t kept this separate part of my boyfriend’s life?Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anneon  +, writes (6 October 2007):
 I think it's great that you are trying to meet the girl. It is a very important step in coming to terms with their friendship. The fact that she is unwilling to meet you seems to prove that she is interested in him romantically, and is not over him at all. After all, if he were her best friend, wouldn't she want to meet his girlfriend? It sounds like she is not over him and is actually very dependent on him.He is clearly very attached to her as well. It is perfectly fine for him to be friends with her, except for the fact that she is unwilling to meet you and he seems uncomfortable with you meeting her as well. Obviously he has had feelings for her in the past and perhaps the present. I wonder why he feels the need to keep you and her apart, and why he seems to value her comfort over yours...You should do some serious thinking...If they still have unresolved feelings for one another, you don't want to be the one stuck in the middle of a bitter situation like that.
A
male
reader, Dr. John  +, writes (6 October 2007):
 The big question is, is he really done with her? It doesn't sound like it to me.
If he was really done with her he would have no problem with, for all intents and purposes, turning and walking away from her.
He needs to pay more attention to you and less to her. Doc
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): You don't say, but I am assuming that your boyfriend is out of his twenties as are you.
I understand your dilema here and it really depends on one thing. What stage are you in your dating relationship? You call this guy your boyfriend, but he does not sound to me like he is in the "exclusive" stage of relationship as he is still leaving himself regular contact with an "ex" who doesn't want to stay an ex....he can say he is not dating her because of distance, but she is clearly "in his life". This is NOT fair to you. I am not saying that you have to decide to break up with your boyfriend over this, but what I am saying is you need to ask your boyfriend what stage he thinks your relationship is in. There are five according to Mars and Venus author John Gray, and I think they help explain a lot.
Attraction I am interested and attracted and wanting to get to know you better.
Uncertainty - I like you, am attracted and interested, but I am uncertain that I want to be exclusive, for men this stage can drag out much longer than it does for women, often men won't become exclusive almost until they have decided that you are the one for them to be with for life! This sets up a pretty big expectation, and you may not realize this is what you are up against.
Exclusivty We are committed and attached and we are getting to know each other on a deeper intimate level to see what we have as a couple.
Engagement
It sounds to me like your boyfriend is stuck in uncertainty and this is causing you a lot of insecurity and pain....Never pursue a man more than he is pursuing you....if he continues to see this woman regualarly, then he is not exclusive with you no matter what he says....so you need to back up and start dating other men and tell him so and why....not as a threat, but so as to restore the balance to your own relationship, if he is not exclusive with you, it is unfair of him to you to expect you not to keep your options open.
I hope somehow this has helped you....but I highly recommend the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books on dating and relationships, they would help you understand yours better.
Marriage
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