A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,I have a question about men who gawk for long periods of time at other women. I understand that it is human nature for a man to glance. Is it a problem when it gets to the point to where my BF is spending the whole night at the pub gawking at another woman? What if the other women notices this and starts to look back at him and smile and toss her hair around and tell her gal pal's that the guy across the room is checking her out. What if that other lady sees you in the bathroom later and makes a smart remark about how it does not seem like you and your BF are "really together." My BF and I have been together for 10 years with no history of cheating. Do you think that this is a problem and that I am over reacting?
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (1 August 2007):
 Regardless of the timing, let him know that you know that he ogles other women. If he flat out denies that he does it then your relationship is in serious peril. If he acknowledges it then ask him, "How does gawking at other women show respect for me and our relationship?"
Don't accept any attempt on his part to minimize your feelings on the matter, because your self-respect is on the line. Good luck and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): Do not...I repeat..do not do it right back to him, as just suggested. Relationships are about mutual respect and giving to each other. Don't get into the 'one upmanship' competitive game with him. That really creates further dissention which is unhealthy not to mention rather immature. You are 30-35 and adults behave appropriately. When he does this to you, yes...you let him know right away-the minute he does it. But you do it subtley (the nudge)and respectfully. Hopefully, he'll take that as a cue to stop, with the gawking. Never be afraid to set boundries but do it, by behaving calmly, maturely and with some integrity. If he doesn't stop, after a few cues from you, then get up and leave, on your own. Don't sit there and tolerate this. Leaving him alone to his gawking my motivate him to break this habit. If over time, all this doesn't work..I would re-evaluate this relationship and what type of character possesses a man to treat his lady like this, out in public. Sometimes one is better off without the stress and grief.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (31 July 2007):
 Its rude in your company, at the very least.
Do the same back.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): Hello again,
I am the poster of this question.
My second part of this question is do I point it out right as he is doing it or wait until later to point out his bad gawking actions
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): You are right, hun. It is human nature and some guys are easily visually stimulated. I have seen many who aren't though and have eyes just for their ladylove. I do think it's more of a 'personality/genetic' tendency than going under the assumption that 'all' men are like this. For many fellows though, it is prewired into their brains-and it truely is an irresistible impulse.
If you bf is ogles/leer/gawks at other women and engages in this conduct repeatedly-with no regard to your feelings-naturally, you've gotten hypersensitive to it, because he is foolishly 'overdoing' it. Like you stated, you do understand that men will respond to visual stimuli, but you also have enough self-respect to know that your bf has the freedom of choice, here and a bit of mature self-restraint is expected. If you have talked to him about this ( and I assume you have),t hen he is making a poor choice. Set a boundary here. He need to modify his behavior and know, you're his date and he should be paying attention to you. By setting a boundry like this, you are teaching him how you want to be treated. If he can't curb it, walk out, and leave him to spend the evening by himself. If he loves you and cherishes you, he will learn to control this bad habit of his. Make him aware of when he's doing it. One way is to help him become diligent and very, very aware of when he's doing it-a good nudge and a reminder is an idea. Hopefully over time. it will become a good habit. Make his responsible for his own actions.
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A
male
reader, Guitarboy  +, writes (31 July 2007):
 Slap him. That should get his attention. All men are guilty of looking at other women from time to time. I am dating this beautiful lady right now and every time we go out, she turns heads. It drives me crazy, so now I spend more time keeping an eye on her, than on any of the other women in the room. Maybe you should turn the tables, see how he likes it.
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (31 July 2007):
Hi,
An ex of mine did this. Looking briefly is natural and perfectly acceptable, staring for hours is not. It is disrespectful to you. You need to take a firm stand, and like the other reply says, no wheedling out of it. Tell him what you told us about how you have been treated by one of these women. Ask him how great it would make him feel if other men were openly laughing at him about how you were ignoring him and giving them the come-on. Make it clear that glancing is OK – you do it yourself after all (even if you don’t) - but what he is doing is too much and either it stops, or it’s over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): Of course it is a problem. I imagine you have been very clear about how this makes you feel and that you would like it to stop? If so why hasn't he? You have been together a long time and you have the right to be listened to and respected. This bevaviour seems bizzarre. I once had a gawking boyfriend, it was really embarassing, he would look at women from head to foot and linger over every curve. In front of me and they always knew. Cringe. Later he told me he used porn, had visited the odd prostitute, he was doing cyber sex and had this group of women friends who I think he had the odd session with. I quite liked to old rogue but I ran for the hills, he was not good enough for me.
If you have been together a long time you must know him, so I would find it hard to believe if you did not notice this or other things before. I don't suppose you are naive. Is this a recent thing? If he can't stop, he has a problem, if he won't stop you have one. A bit of detective work won't go amiss, but if this is all that is wrong with him and otherwise he is perfect, I am sure you can sort him out.
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A
female
reader, PoSiOnKiSS +, writes (31 July 2007):
 You need to have it out with him and tell him whats wrong or else hes just going to carry on gawkin as he will not see this as any problem. And if the women notice then he is definatly staring for too long. sure all men like a quick look but if hes doing it constantly and especially in front of you then there must be something bothering this man, either personally or with your relationship. so the best advice i can give is to sit down and talk to him about it. tell him its upsetting you that he finds other women so interesting to look at and not focus his attention on you. Be strong and make sure he doesnt weedle his way out of it by 'i dont know its natural for men' and all that crap, tell him if he wants to keep staring at women then he can do it alone, and if he wants the relationship to carry on he best quit it. Hope it helps hun x
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A
female
reader, colorado girl +, writes (31 July 2007):
i have a similar problem with my fiance and i think it is a problem but others seem to think its not. if it really bothers you you should let him know, but be ready for him to think you are jealous....thats what happened to me. i don't know what to do either so im trying to just shut up about it but it
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