A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I'm wondering if I can get any help and advice.My boyfriend and I, have been together since January. We met on tinder and have been a strong unit since. He had a good-ish paying job, a nice car, a very sweet and cheeky nature, and is just plain handsome. However, the past month and a few weeks or so, he's become lazy. Lazy, unmotivated, borderline boring and seemingly ungrateful.I'm 17, living in supported accommodation with 2 other boys and on income support. My boyfriend stays at mine with me most (probably all) of the time due to his problems he has with homelessness, family politics and so on. I kind of feel sorry for him, but doing this is putting my accommodation at risk. I'm only allowed an overnight guest 3 times a week, and as mentioned, I take advantage of this. I feel like I do this not because I just want him with me, but because I do feel sorry for him due to his lack of support from his family from a young age. (He's just turned 20). So with that in mind, since I moved in about a month ago, he's done nothing. He sits on my bed all day playing Xbox, with the occasional muting of his microphone so he can ask if I'm alright or we'll have a quick cuddle and a kiss - which I like. I want him to spend his own time, but would like some of that time too. Obviously going out and things is out of the question due to both of our financial statues (me on benefits, and he being unemployed). Recently we had a discussion which turned into an argument due to him not taking what I was saying seriously (this is a serious issue of his), the nature of the argument fizzled out and we went to sleep. I feel like I got my point across as a few days later with subtle hint dropping, he applied for Jobseeker's Allowance and started the hunt for a new job. Brilliant. Moreover, during this past month when I've been in my new house, I've cooked him dinner. Washed his clothes. Allowed him to use every possible facility in this house that I would be using too. Not once have I heard a thank you out of his mouth voluntarily, again, there has to be hint dropping. Like "you're welcome", "is that nice?" You get the point. Similarly, sometimes he can just come across as plain rude. I can't pinpoint exactly what he's said, I'd have to pick it up in the moment. I feel constantly belittled by him. I can't remember the last time he genuinely, heartfeltedly complimented me, I know he's attracted to me. But I don't feel like he is, you know? Sometimes it's nice for someone to say "You look nice today". That simple. But I get nothing. In relation to getting nothing, I'll do some shopping for some food as much as I can, as and when I need it and if I can afford to and so on. The 4-5 weeks that he has lived with me, he has not given me a single penny towards my rent, or both of our upkeeps. When I mentioned this to him before, he said "Well don't feed me them" and got short with me and I didn't appreciate that. Finally, I suffer with severe depression, anxiety, PTSD and bipolar disorder. I was sexually assaulted approaching just a year ago, he is fully aware of all of this. I know this is a lot to take on (this is his first relationship) but he agreed to try and help me as much as he could. So, in the beginning month of the relationship we were highly sexually active, I'm talking 3-4 times a day. Naturally, this has decreased as the relationship has gone on. But recently I've hit a real low and have a very very very low sex drive. Even the thought of sex makes my stomach turn. He fails to understand this. He never forces me into any sexual act, but is very persistent as to why if I say no. If he takes a break from playing Xbox, he'll come to cuddle me, but he'll hump my body, kiss my neck, touch my boobs, my bum, my vagina and so on. I'll move his hand away and kiss him and he'll get the hump. He'll ask me what's wrong and demand that something is wrong and won't accept a "I'm just feeling low" he carries on doing so and says that he can do it because I'm his girlfriend. I said to him that there is more to my body than just my sexualised assets, and said where. Like my face, my waist, my hips, my stomach and so on. He just says that he wants to touch me and that he will if he wants to. This doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, it makes me feel on edge. I almost feel pressured into allowing things to happen. I just don't feel like it right now. He accuses me of being constantly grumpy and trying to start an argument out of nothing. But I think what he fails to realise is that there is no smoke without fire. And granted, I can be grumpy and irritable sometimes, but I don't mean to seem as though I take it out on him. I take myself away in my little bubble and get on with me until I feel a bit better. If I tell him he has upset me, he's never apologised. Ever. He's too stubborn. One time I turned to a friend from a long time who happens to be a male, for some help as to what to do with my money, my boyfriend, my life. My boyfriend found this out by reading through my snapchat, and I have no issue with this. I'm bisexual, for reference. He was so peed off that it was a boy, and I raised the point would it be the same if it were to have been a girl? He said no because it's a girl. (He's constantly on at me to have a threesome with another girl, does my brain in). I hope that someone can help me with some thoughts on this situation, and what you would do. I'm so lost. :(Thank you in advance!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2017): Quite simply, you need to end the relationship and work on just being by yourself. This guy is immature and using you like a replacement mum, thinking you'll just take care of him. You aren't responsible for paying for his food and keeping a roof over his head. A decent person who appreciates what you're doing would be offering his share of the costs or at least helping out. He might have had tough times and be in a difficult circumstance but you have equally been through hard times. You could lose your benefits and possibly risk your home if you continue to have him around every night too.You're just not in the right place for a relationship by the sound of it, and he isn't mature enough to support you. You've been sexually assaulted and he doesn't consider that. He can't just turn off his Xbox, after ignoring you while he plays it for hours, and expect that he had a tight to touch you and push you for sex. That's not right. You deserve better. He also shouldn't be hinting at threesomes, just because you're bisexual doesn't mean you want to invite a 3rd person into a relationship and that shows how immature he is. If I were you, I'd break things off. You haven't even known each other very long, to be pretty much living with someone when you only got together in January is loving very fast.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 June 2017):
 Sweetheart, you sound like an intelligent young lady. Your post is very articulate, well thought out and well written. Why do you think you don't deserve better than this user? Are you still hoping he is going to change back into the person you originally met? What incentive does he have to act better than he is doing?
There is a theory which I prescribe to: men need sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to want sex. You don't feel loved by this parasite, so it is little wonder you don't feel like having sex with him (your health issues aside).
You KNOW this situation is not right, otherwise you would not be writing to us or contacting your friend for advice and support. I also think you are intelligent and insightful enough to know what you SHOULD be doing in order to sort things out.
When he says "don't feed me", take him at his word and DON'T feed him. I appreciate it will probably be difficult for someone of your kind and generous nature to do this, but you have to make a stand. If he cannot be bothered contributing in any way - financially or physically - to his upkeep, then you need to draw a line and not allow him over that line.
A lot of people (young males particularly) do not take hints. You have to be blunt and say things exactly as they are.
As I see it, YOU:
- are risking losing your lodgings because he is abusing the rules.
- are out of pocket because he does not contribute towards his upkeep.
- are waiting on him hand and foot, like his mother probably did when he was at home (little wonder his family don't want him at home).
- are being put under added stress by his sexual demands.
- are being made to feel in the wrong for contacting friends for advice and support.
In the meantime, HE:
- gets free lodgings.
- makes little real attempt to find a job.
- keeps what little money he gets.
- spends his time playing computer games.
- demands sex when he gets bored with his gaming and expects you to put out for him on such occasions.
- doesn't lift a finger to help you.
- doesn't like you having any contact with friends (little wonder as he is terrified they will put you right about him).
Does ANY of this sound fair? It certainly doesn't from where I am standing. You sound very mature and insightful for your age. Consider this: what will happen if you get thrown out of your lodgings because of him? Where will you go and how will you survive? I can guarantee you, HE won't be worried about it. He will find other people to take advantage of while he leaves you to take care of yourself. Please don't allow him to put you in this position. You need to look after No 1 first and foremost.
Sending hugs and hoping you have the strength of character I suspect you do have.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (25 June 2017):
 You are still recovering from your sexual assault. You are suffering from a lot of mental health illnesses. You are also learning to live with the ones that will continue to be ongoing. You are living in supported accommodation on income support. You are hardly in a place to feel sorry for him. Yes his family aren't supporting him but he is capable of finding a job and looking after himself. You are not in a position to be his baby sitter or his home.
He does not sound mature and he does not sound good for you. The sexual persistence is particularly worrying as it shows how incapable he is of understanding your issues and that you are not "his" to "touch whenever he wants to". You say he never forces you but asking constantly why you're saying no and acting like he is entitled to have sex and touch your body is one step too close to forcing you. Does he think because you slept with him so much in the beginning that your sexual assault and depression doesn't have an impact on your sex drive? You need to sit and explain to him that his attitude is not okay. You are not his play thing and you are not his Mother to look after him.
He is not making an effort to make anything in your life better. While it is lovely to havno e someone next to you, someone for support and companionship, do you really need it from him? He is a constant drain on your energy and your daily resources with no thanks and no effort on his half. Does he help clean, do chores, buy food? If he does not then I'm not surprised he isn't getting along well at home. If you continue to give him somewhere free to escape to he will never rectify his own life through his own efforts.
We cannot help people who do not help themselves. Sponging off of someone else is not helping himself.
Look at yourself. You've suffered a traumatic experience, you're suffering from depression and bi-polar and you're not homeless, you're not sat around someone else's home everyday taking liberties. Yes you're getting support, but that's what the support is there for. If you can manage then I'm sure he can sort himself out as well. We all need help sometimes but we have to be able to do some things for ourself too - why would he make any effort when he is getting everything for free? I get that he used to have a job and for whatever reason no longer does and that's difficult in itself but he needs to shake himself out of it and make some sort of attempt to help himself.
You need to really consider if being with this person is emotionally healthy for you right now. If it is, then you need to have a serious chat about what needs to change, and if his attitude doesn't change you know where you stand on his priorities. It is my non-professional opinion that you need to be able to focus on yourself and be able to have someone in your life who is secure and mature, who isn't going to be a drain on you and instead is going to bring lots of love and fun and happiness to your day.
Not everything has to cost loads of money- walks by a stream or a river, a small picnic with the food you'd normally eat for lunch, exploring hills or woods or parks that are local, playing games together on the xbox so that you're doing something mutually. He can have his "own time" when he is not with you. When he is in your home he should be WITH YOU and not just to have sex. Also enraged me that he is always talking about threesomes. Don't give in to what he wants in this department. If you've said no, you've said no. Eventually he will learn that no means no and does not mean "maybe the tenth time you demand it".
Obviously you're not happy in this relationship. See what changes you can make between yourselves to make it more of a relationship or end it and find someone who is willing to have a bit more up and go. You do not need someone who is happy to let their life fall apart around them.
Goodluck xx
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (25 June 2017):
 What you need to do is stop letting him stay. He needs to find his own accommodation, if he struggles with homelessness or can't live with family.
Do not lose your accommodation for a guy you've only known 6 months. He can't support you because he can't even support himself.
This isn't about the time he spends with you, OP, though he is taking your for granted. This is much more serious and you need to set boundaries. No more than 3 nights a week, no matter what, and I think you should reconsider whether he's a good boyfriend or not because it doesn't seem like it.
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