A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My Boyfriend of 2 years does not like kissing and gets annoyed if I try to discuss it with him.We were about to have sex and I upfront asked him what is it about it he doesn't like. He then refused to have sex with me or discuss it and told me I had 'pissed him off' by asking him.When I was dating him he would kiss me properly but this dwindled out. He would then only kiss me during sex if I asked. The same with oral sex (which he also doesn't like doing- but would do very occasionally to please me).Now he will only have a peck on the lips (always initiated by me!) He has told me in the past 'it's not me -he just doesn't like kissing it's the way he is'. But will not say what he doesn't like about it or discuss any kind of compromise. I can kind of understand not wanting to do oral, but kissing is kind of a fundamental thing isn't it? I have never known a man who didn't like kissing. I'm not asking for tonsil tennis everyday but it is extremely difficult for me to get aroused during sex with no kissing. As time goes on I am getting more and more fed up of him shoving his penis in my bone dry vagina. Once sex is going I do enjoy it with him, but as far as I'm concerned if there is almost never any oral for me there has a least got to be some kissing...something! I am being demanding or unreasonable in trying to discuss this with him? I don't want to fall out with him over this but the refusing to discuss it is starting to grate on me.
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kissing, oral sex, vagina Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): If he wants to have a relationship with you, he needs to be able to compromise. Tell him that you are not going to have sex without foreplay or kissing (whatever you need).
If he refuses, leave him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): I'm sorry but if he's getting annoyed at you for trying to talk about it, then you need to get annoyed at him for his complete lack of regard for your feelings. I don't mean shout, I mean assert yourself and tell him you will not be fobbed off any more or you will walk. And mean it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): I disagree with brit annon on the getting annoyed, or at least with welding that anger as a weapon because it doesn't solve the issue. It will only strain the relationship more and cause more resentment. Ultimately you want to understand why he is like that, because you care. Try explaining that to him. Men are very literal and direct most of the time so you have to be as well if you want to get your point across. Its just our difference in functioning. Have you discussed the specific details with him that you have included in your question here? Does he know how important these things are for intimacy to be enjoyable for you in a relationship, otherwise you just feel like his jiz receptical? Which is also painful for you?If after you have made all the effort you feel that you can, by being point blank specific and he doesn't open up and at least tell you why then it's time to move on girly. Find a man that owns a snorkel, and likes to put his lips to good use. There is no point in being with someone so one sided, because it's a two way street.also men use anger as a defensive mechanism to scare you off from following a subject we are uncomfortable about. So he either has a bad memory that has caused an emotional hang up (which isn't a reason to accept it) and/or he has difficulty expressing his inner emotions, which isn't uncommon for men since we are raised to be "manly" and put all that under wraps, or we aren't real men etc. also not a reason to stick with it, because those things can be overcome with effort. If he isn't putting in the effort then you both will only continue to suffer.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (7 May 2015):
I think it's about time you started getting pissed off at him for constantly dismissing your attempts to talk about this. And I'd absolutely not be having any more sex with him until he learns that it's not all about his pleasure. It's not about withholding sex, it's about him realising that he doesn't get to stick it in when he feels like it without warming you up and doing some of the things you like. To be honest though, I don't think it will matter how many times you say it. If he doesn't like kissing, then nothing you can say will change that. So the real question is, do you think you can live with this for the rest of your life? Personally I think you deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): Are you sure he is not just using you for sex or for money?
I had a boyfriend just the same - although with him we kissed - but just never kissed properly. He used to keep his eyes half open and his mouth closed. Plus like you - there was no foreplay.
At first I was so in love, I just overlooked these facts - but in time, he was gradually wanting money and for me to buy him things all the time & I realised he wasn't in love at all - just using me ( hence not wanting to kiss properly) as he knew I loved him.
So check you are not being used - unless of course this is common with a lot of men? Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): Your boyfriend sounds like my ex. He started off kissing then avoided it and then when confronted said he didn't really like it. Within six months our sex life had dwindled to twice a month and by a year once a month. I found he was generally not highly sexed and not really bothered with intimacy. He seemed to prefer cuddling and holding hands.
He may just have a low sex drive. There are men out there that don't havecearly morning erections and for them sex is not a big deal. They can take it or leave it.
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