A
female
age
36-40,
*ilentxscreams
writes:Ok, I'm not sure where to start here but please bare with me. I have been in an emotionally abusive/controlling/difficult relationship for 6yrs.I have tried to separate from my husband several times, I don't love him, I am not happy with him. He is so paranoid and controlling that I very nearly took my own life a couple of years ago because I had become nothing but an empty shell, I felt nothing but sadness and lonely. Now all I feel is anger and determined to take back control of my life again. I made it very clear to him that he had to give me some sort of freedom, I needed a hobby so he eventually agreed I could start riding again (horses) because he felt safe I wouldn't meet another man in that environment. I eventually became firm friends with another lady at the stables, she is a lot older then me, and actually has children of my age. I started to gain back some confidence and independence which only made my husband's paranoia worse, and eventually I became strong enough to end our relationship, for a solid three months he would turn up at my home, broke in on a few occasions, called, emailed, text, turned up at the stables.... Now here is where it gets more complicated, during these three months I first met my friends son, we'll call him 'A' me and A got along very well and I found myself attracted to him. He lives far away so didn't think anymore of it at the time. Eventually I gave in and took my husband back, I was weak again. For the next yr I saw 'A' a couple of times whilst in my friends company, he has got a girlfriend he met her shortly before our first meeting. I don't know how this all came about but we now talk secretly, via email almost daily since October, he is the one making the contact, we are both very very flirty via emails and in person. I have started to develop feelings for 'A' and I have told him this and said I don't want to break up his life but I do want to get to know him more, he said he likes me too but is happy with his partner, we never talk about our partners although we are aware of them if you understand what I mean? Anyway, we do see each other (in company) maybe twice a month, other than flirting nothing has ever happened and we have remained faithful to our partners. However I like him, he likes me he has admitted this, I've told him we need to stop talking but he doesn't want us to. He won't cheat and neither will I so what is the point in carrying on talking? Anyway I have made the firm decision to leave my husband, I Am just putting the things in place to ensure this time he can't harass me. I've even confused myself now I suppose what I'm asking is what do you think A's intentions are towards me? is he confused or just using me for an ego stroke? He makes me feel like he wants more than friendship but when I back off he steps up even more? please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (7 May 2015):
 You spent SIX YEARS enduring this mistreatment????????????
Give it another six MINUTES... Tell hubby: "Hunchy-bunchy, you need to make wholesale changes in the way you treat me... or, I'm outta here..." Wait the six minutes... and if he is not kissing your feet, reconcile to yourself that you "gave it your best..." BUT it just wasn't to be.....
Walk out the door, and NEVER look back... The remainder of your life is likely to be A LOT better!!!!!
Good luck...
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2015):
 My advice?
CUT off "A". What you are doing IS cheating, it's an EMOTIONAL affair (at least from your side, not sure on his) nothing GOOD can come from it. YOU are using A as an escapism from your bad marriage and dull life, he... is using you ( I think) to STROKE his own ego. And to make him fulfill some "white knight" syndrome. When you are in person, CUT the flirting out.
FOCUS on ENDING the marriage, you are NOT happy and it's NOT necessary for you to stay. YOU know this. BUT BE SAFE leaving him. My advice on that? DO NOT HAVE any contact with your husband after you leave, UNLESS it's done through your lawyer (solicitor). THAT way he can't worm his way back in.
After you leave AND divorce your husband - TAKE some time to PROCESS what happened in that marriage and HOW to avoid being IN that situation again (with a controlling abusive man). Some women seem to fall into a pattern of NOT learning from the past and ending up in another bad relationship. Maybe even consider a counselor to talk this through with. THEN TAKE some time to get to KNOW you again. YOU as a single person.
"A" might BE a nice guy for the most part, BUT what he is doing to his GF is not right. Same as what YOU are doing to your husband. Having a controlling/abusive husband doesn't mean that cheating is ever OK. TWO wrongs do NOT make a right.
I GET that "A" makes you feel alive, where as your husband made you wish you could just die. QUITE the contrast. BUT do NOT fool yourself into thinking JUMPING from the husband and into something with "A" will MAGICALLY make your life happy and grand!
LEARN to stand on your own two feet, FIND HAPPINESS within you. Get your confidence and sense of SELF back. I can't tell you HOW long it will take for you to GET a divorce and be OK with the world, but I would SINCERELY suggest that you do NOT date until you have reached BOTH those goal.
Good luck with leaving your husband.
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