A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, Am I being paranoid? My boyfriend told me his workplace recently started a series of company outings, paid for by the company to boost morale, such as movies, baseball games, dinners, etc. However, significant others are not covered nor invited (even if they pay for themselves). Of course, this is all hearsay through his words since I don't personally know any of his coworkers, and we've been seriously dating for about 11 months (our one year anniversary is coming up in a month). At first, I was happy and excited for him because I know he complains a lot about difficult clients and difficult coworkers, and I was looking forward to getting to know his coworkers (a few of whom I've met only once at someone's birthday party). And when I found out that significant others aren't invited, I felt a mixture of bummed for me but still happy for him. So today was the first company outing: watching the Avengers movie at an Arclight theatre, which means the company preselected seats so the whole group can sit together and makes it difficult to accommodate any +1s. And last night, when he told me that they were going to go to a matinee showing on Wednesday (today), I said, "Really? That's weird. Wouldn't they want you to be working during business hours and go out during the weekend instead?" And he just shrugged and said something about how some of his coworkers have other priorities to attend to after work, such as kids, spouses, significant others, bands, other hobbies, etc. I thought it weird, but brushed it off. But when I texted him today at 3pm asking what he's doing after work, he said he was going to see the movie with his coworkers. I said, "I thought you guys were going during work?" and he said, "I guess not, the showing is at 6pm." And then I didn't hear from him until 10pm when he told me what he thought of the movie, but did not mention anything about his coworkers. When I asked if they did anything afterward, he said they went to go eat at a restaurant next to the theatre. So it's 11pm now, and I'm still not sure how to feel. So the main question is: why doesn't my serious boyfriend of almost 1 year invite me to hang out with his coworkers? Is he embarrassed of me? Is he cheating on me or doing some other shady activity? I invite him to hang out with me and my work friends all the time, and he comes out with us every once in a while. Whenever my coworkers are doing anything, I always ask if I can bring my boyfriend because I consider him a (hopefully permanent) part of my life, and my first instinct is to want to share those experiences and create those memories with him (vs. coworkers who are pretty cool but realistically people that I will probably lose touch with in a few years). Also, it's so much more fun to be able to recap the events of the night together on the living room couch when we were both there firsthand. It's not just about his coworkers either. He plays in tournaments for a competitive video game, which he only invites me to if he knows I'm already working that night - but if I'm not working, he insists that I'll be bored there and tells me I should stay at home or in the hotel room by myself. He's also in a new band, whom he has been meeting up with on a weekly basis but has none of his usual iPhone recordings to ask me to listen with him afterward, like he used to do. He raves about how great his new bandmate friends are, but it's already been two months and I have yet to even see their face. I've dated a crazy controlling guy before, so I know I don't want to be that kind of person. But I can't help but feel like I'm being deliberately left out of major parts of his life, i.e. his work, his hobbies, and his band, and I'm not sure if these feelings are legitimate. Some people are big proponents for how important it is to have a life of your own outside of a relationship. I agree with that, but if someone's in love and wants to build a life together, isn't it natural to want to invite your significant other into these parts of your life that are so important to you? Also, some back story, which may or may not be relevant: Before dating my boyfriend, I had been going on dates casually through OkCupid because I was scared of getting into a serious relationship. However, when my boyfriend and I got together, I made it clear that I stopped talking to those other guys (nice people but didn't see a future with any of them). I was super happy, and I trusted him. However, I found out two or three months into the relationship that he had still been romantically pursuing his friend from high school - behind my back - deliberately lying to me so that I don't suspect anything and asking his best female friend (from work, same company mentioned above) and his best male friend (from the gaming community mentioned above) to also keep it hush from me. What was the worst part about it was that I had absolutely no clue. I thought things were going great, and he would always be sweet to me and tell me how much he loved me. And considering that he told me his last girlfriend cheated on him multiple times, I thought he would be the last person to cause that kind of pain on someone else. It's been a long journey to rebuild the trust, but honestly I still feel a little traumatized from it, especially when I notice unusual changes in his behavior or little consistencies in the things he tells me. It's especially bad when things in our relationship seem to be going great, like it does lately, and then - boom! - he says something that doesn't line up quite right or does something strange, and all the old feelings of fear, betrayal, suspicion, and hurt all come rushing back to me. At first, he was patient, apologetic, and understanding. But the last several times I've mentioned that I'm still struggling with those feelings of panic whenever there's any sign of something possibly going on behind my back (such as the thing about his company outing today), his reaction has been to yell at me in exasperation, "I can't do this anymore!" and threaten to leave the relationship. But this time, I thought I'd try asking for advice here first and try my best to sort it out in my head and heart once and for all. If I want any relationship to last, I know I'm going to have to make a decision on a daily basis to trust that person and not drive him up the wall with my paranoia and panic. But I just don't know. Is this guy worth trusting? Am I just sabotaging the progress we've made by overanalyzing everything? I'm just scared of being hurt again. I appreciate any of your thoughts and suggestions. Some outsider perspective seems needed.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (7 May 2015):
I just want to lay down the facts and I will out right say that many things you are worried about are things anyone would worry about as well.
He has a lot of interests and hobbies where he does not invite you. I think this is strange. I would love to have my gf on my work outings for the most part. This is not sudden, because this seems like a change in behavior if he has stopped inviting you to his recordings.
His work outings seem too convenient where you can not be invited. You cant ask his coworkers because they might be covering for him. Unless you try to surprise call him at work and talk to one of his co workers, pretending to act interested and hoping they have fun. And I dont know any companies that will splurge so much to keep their workers motivated. I mean I know the cinema thing is there but that happens like once a year.
I bet he will be busy for the anniversary coming up.
I dont have any specific advice but if my gf was doing this and also raging at me, I would know something was up and it would scream that she is cheating on me. You just need to ask yourself if this is something worth you being patient for. If you have suspicions, it might be worth having some solid evidence. I usually base it on how I feel over that period of time. I do get that people change but that shouldn't mean that you alone should be suffering.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 May 2015):
 Uh-oh. Until I was reading the first part of your post, I was inclined to chalk your feelings up to a bit of paranoia.
I mean, it makes sense that at work they would have things lined up for a Wednesday after work. I don't think any company would be so supernice to organize, and pay for, regular company outings during WORK hours - OTOH they already know perfectly that if they are trying to make it an ongoing thing , they can forget about the weekend, pretty soon attendance would dwindle to nothing.
So,Wednesday at 6 p.m. , with a meal after the show, would sound quite legit to me. And I also would understand why he would not invite you to those outings,- because it would be not exactly in the spirit of the initiative, which is not to just do another " social " where people can bring along whom they want and shoot the breeze,but build team cohesion, morale, etc.
Si far so good. But then, we start hitting some out of tune notes. Your bf seems to have a lot of hobbies and interests, which is good.... up to a point. I am also a proponent of " have each one his hobbies " but within limits- if he works full time, and does all this stuff on his own, well, you do not get much time together I guess . Maybe you do not get ENOUGH time together. Plus, it's undeniable that someone who's in love wants to shout it from the rooftops and can't wait to flaunt you, so one would think that occasionally you'd be invited . Not every time because it WOULD be boring for you, and because you don't want to be joined at the hips anyway, but, yeah , in one year you should have seen and met ALL of his friends .
But, even so, I thought : who knows, maybe he's one of those people who needs to compartimentalize everything , Monday with GF, Tuesday with band, Wednesday with office gang, etc. There are people like that. For no particular reason, they just find it simpler.
But then, we arrive to the OKCupid caper and ... oh boy. What can I say. I don't know your Bf, so maybe he IS a changed man by now. Sure thing, though, you can't go by what he says or how he says it- not only he is a big fat liar, but he is GOOD at telling lies and giving you a fase sense of security. If he wanted to pull the wool over your eyes, he has shown that he is a pro at it.
Another thing that I don't like is that he is not patient with your trust issues . Well, I would not be patient myself with trust issues if they were born just out of my partner's insecurity, but HE, he got caught red handed .He should understand it takes time, and consistency , to rebuild a broken trust. That there need to be no grey areas , no chance of doubt , if trust has to be reestablished- and this may be a long process. For him, it's like, Ok, I apologized, I said i won't do it again- now get over it and let's go on with the program.
If you want my guess ( and mind you it is just a guess, a hunch ) I'd say that he is not half as serious and committed as you think and want him to be. Probably he is not cheating yet - but he surely is building himself all the conditions to make it easier on himself if he does, and he is building himself a neat exit strategy. If you keep someone on the doorstep- then you do not have to pull her out , kicking and screaming, as if you had let her sit in the middle of the living room.
He is loving and affectionate etc. because he does like you- for now. I think you make a perfect Miss Right now, or Miss For the time being, and he does not want to lose that. But I don't think he sees you in his future, otherwise he would not be so tight with his time , and so wary of getting you more involved in his life.
In other words, he is not particulaly interested in building up all those nice shared memories you talk about- because , even if now you have a great time together which I don't doubt he is in good faith about- he KNOWS this can change at the first wind.
What to do . Well, honestly I could not tell you " you have to dump him because I, a perfect stranger, have a bad feeling about it ". But I would invite you to keep your eyes and ears very open, and to notice how often these little inconsistencies show up. Once in a blue moon, it does not signify. Once a WEEK, is another story.
I would also try to explain him, as non confrontationally as possible, WHY, in a sense , you have right to have trust issues, and why, if he cares about you, he needs to show some patience and comprehension and not take it personally. It does not take extra sensitivity to get it, IMO - it's not one of those weird Mars-Venus things. It's plain common sense . He screwed up big time, you don't want to pester him for life, you are sorry, in fact, that it's still a sensitive issue- but it's normal that it is ( sensitive ) . It's not like pulling out a tooth, once the tooth is gone the ache is gone too. If he cares about KEEPING the r/ship, he needs to understand, and over a period of time, not to yell at you. If he is receptive to that , bonus points ( then again, if he alredy was so quick to say " I can't do this anymore !" ...uhm ).
Another very simple thing to do, you ASK him. To be introduced to his friend, to tag along occasionally, to join him even if it will be boring- and, or to invite his friend over so you can meet them. It's NOT asking too much after one year of so called " serious " relationship. All relationship also have a social aspect that says " we are a couple ". If it's just you and him all the time, alone in a room, cuddling or making love or what not, - well it may be FREQUENT , it may feel good, it may be romantic, .. but where's the seriousness ? The seriousness part would be also in JOINING each other's world, not just in locking your door on the outside world ! That's what clandestine lovers do !
That's an easy thing- you ask, he answers. If YOU do not mind the boredom, ( and also, then don't qvetch about it ) I don't see any good reason for him to deny you something so little and so reasonable.
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