A
female
age
30-35,
*azzee
writes:Whenever something upsets him, he completely shuts down. He'll have no motivation and will only speak in a whisper, as if it requires huge amounts of effort (not that I'm doubting it does). He's constantly in this cycle of feeling like a failure, sleeping in through classes, procrastinating, and then suddenly he'll tell himself to cut the crap and he'll get really motivated for about a day. Then a day or two after it all repeats again.If I seem annoyed or upset with him he'll get upset too, and this sometimes also triggers a shut-down. I remember one time I was really upset about issues I was having with my best friend. He didn't respond (didn't know what to say) so I said "You know, you can add something...ask me a question or something." I tried to be gentle about it but I think he took it as criticism and shut down. I ended up being the one trying to make HIM feel better. He also has no vision of what his future looks like. He doesn't know what kind of living arrangement he wants, what sort of hours he'll work, location, etc. He doesn't know what he'll actually do for a career either.All of this absolutely infuriates me. I can't stand seeing him self-destruct like this. I try to give him rational explanations for getting up and moving past feeling down. I'll be gentle and tell him he'll be okay. It all happens again anyway.I know that all of this is up to him. What I say or do really has no bearing on what he ultimately decides for himself, but I still want to help. I want to make him realize he CAN do stuff if he's just confident for once. I'm tired of him shutting me out when I try to talk to him. I have no idea...Should I just work on giving him space? Do I try different methods? What on earth do I do???
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female
reader, mazzee +, writes (21 December 2010):
mazzee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been a couple months, but I wanted to follow up. A couple days after asking this question I took him to the campus psychological services and he was diagnosed as depressed. We have since broken up, but last time we spoke he was supposed to start on meds. Thanks again. I hope others see this question and recognize what they must do if they are in this situation.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 Good for you! A lot of people are unaware of their depression, let's hope he wants to seek help in order to get better!
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A
female
reader, mazzee +, writes (14 November 2010):
mazzee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your replies...I feel so blind now. He has a very poor diet, eats very little some days and a lot on others (he's underweight), has insomnia and very irregular sleep patterns...I always thought his patterns were contributing to depressed mood, not that he had depression.
I'm going to try to talk to him about therapy. And yes, I think I have been enabling him without being aware of it.
Thanks again, you guys have been a huge help.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (13 November 2010):
 Hmm... you could be enabling him. Lets think about it, whats his motivation behind shutting down? Either he genuinely wants space- in which case you should give it to him. Or he may be depressed and like being constantly reassured by you that everything is going to be ok.
Either way, when he shuts down, try saying something like- "You've shut me out, I'm gonna go shopping (or whatever) and give you some space". Its good to be supportive, but you're taking all the responsibility of his problems... it should be a shared effort.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 November 2010):
Does he seem depressed? Loss of interest in activities he once enjoyed, feeling like a failure, irregular sleep patterns, insomnia or getting too much sleep, headaches, unexplained body pains, change in appetite eating too much or too little, can't concentrate and find easy tasks to be difficult, irritable, and a short temper more than usual are all signs of depression. In his case, he sounds depressed in which there is no way for you to help him. He needs professional help such as therapy and possibly some medication. I would strongly urge him to seek help immediately because untreated depression can get very dangerous..such as contemplating harm to himself.
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