A
female
age
30-35,
*onfused in arkansas
writes:Dear Cupid,I am twenty years old and have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. Shortly after we got together, I became pregnant. Through out out relationship we have had problems as all couples do, but it has been worse here lately. He is constantly accusing me of cheating on him and if there is a younger guy that comes into my work he always has some kind of remark as to if they are one of my other boyfriends. I have never done anything unfaithful to him, I have been nothing but honest and faithful. Every time that he accuses me it breaks me down and then he will apologize but then a couple days later it's the same thing. I love him but I don't know what to do to co Vince him that I'm a good faithful woman and that I'm not like all the other b*@$#?!. Somebody please help me...Confused in Arkansas Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 April 2013):
 You're still stuck because you haven't actually listened to anything anyone has said.
Your boyfriend doesn't really believe you have cheated. He just says that so you will bend over backward trying to prove yourself to him.
The more you reassure him, the worse it will get. Stop doing it. He knows you aren't cheating, but he won't admit it because then he won't have leverage over you.
A
female
reader, confused in arkansas +, writes (18 April 2013):
confused in arkansas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice, but I'm still stuck because he is a great father and I do love him but how do I let him know and understand what he is saying to me at these times hurts me and that I am innocent of his accusations. Is there any way to reassure him that I'm faithful?
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A
male
reader, TeardropsOnMyGuitar +, writes (18 April 2013):
In my mind, when he accuses you of cheating and you clearly have not been cheating it is because accusing women of doing things is a tool he has learned to use to control them.A yellow flag has gone up in your relationship and you should evaluate any behaviour of his that might indicate that he is trying to exercise control over you. Does he try to keep track of you? Call you to check on what you are doing and who you are with?Does he use guilt or other tools to stop you from socializing with your friends or family?Does he use body language or physical actions to control a situation?You are very young and given time his accusations can very slowly escalate to something very troubling. Controlling behaviour is a serious yellow flag. If it gets worse, ask yourself whether there is a possibility that it could turn abusive. Accusations of cheating are not that far from verbal abuse and the step after that is physical.Watch out!
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (18 April 2013):
A good place to start would be to stop referring to other women as 'bitches'. If he can falsely you, he can falsely others. Even if any of his exes had cheated, adopting his terms for them just makes you sound like a boorish, chauivist man. It's immature and tacky so stop doing it.
Secondly, stop pandering to his supposed insecurities and live your life as if they didn't exist. If he truly believed you were cheating or had cheated, he'd have already done whatever it is he's threatened to do. The whole point of levelling these accusations is to keep you bending over backward trying to prove yourself. In other words it's a means of assuming all of the power and control in the relationship.
It could also be, as others have pointed out, indicative of a guilty conscience. We tend to assume others will behave as we would given the opportunity.
Contrary to popular myth, people with 'trust issues' actually trust a great deal. They trust their partners to remain loyal regardless of how badly they behave. And the more secure they feel in the relationship, the more badly they will behave.
If you want things to be better, then you have to have a plan B for yourself and keep your husband on his toes. Forever.
Don't apologize to others on his behalf and don't make excuses. Let people see him for what he is. If his conduct merit legal action, let it happen. If it means he's left with no friends, so be it. Don't try to compensate for whatever you think he lost or isn't getting.
Think happy steamroller. You live your life as you see fit. Offer no explanations, make no apologies and advise him that his place in your life is tenuous.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (18 April 2013):
 I agree that there are two reasons he is accusing you of cheating. He has cheated in the past and his mind just runs that way OR he has been hurt by someone cheating.
If you have ever told him that YOU cheated in a past relationship, that will also cause this. He could feel that since you became pregnant so quickly with him that you might be capable of having a relationship with another man so quickly too.
He is insecure and if he doesn't work on this (and improve), he will drive you away. The relationship can't withstand this constant accusation. You will tire of his insinuation and immaturity.
There is a little control thing going on here too. When someone hurts you, tries to make it better and apologizes and then does it again repetitively, it is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation-so be careful with this aspect of your relationship. Eventually it will serve no purpose but to tear down your own self esteem and there you (and your child) will be totally in his manipulative control, your self esteem totally demolished and your ability to question your relationship (like you are doing now) will not be there.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Often someone who is constantly accusing their partner of cheating for no reason is themselves cheating. I'd be wary of someone like that.
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A
female
reader, ThinkingOverdrive  +, writes (18 April 2013):
Have you considered the possibility that he's cheated/ is cheating on you? Cheaters tend to become jealous/ paranoid that their partner is cheating on them because they know that they're doing it and getting away with it, so they think you might be doing the same.
I'm not saying this is happening in your situation, but perhaps just be aware of that sort of behaviour.
You don't need to convince him of anything if you've never given him reason to not trust you. He's either just being an idiot, or he's cheating, in which case he's an idiot for that too and you deserve better!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): "Through out our relationship we have had problems as all couples do"
Classic Dear Cupid red flag: "All" couples do not have problems; loving, happy, stable couples thrive in an atmosphere of mutual compatibility, respect and consideration. Any occasional disagreements are usually minor and quickly resolved.
"Every time that he accuses me it breaks me down and then he will apologize but then a couple days later it's the same thing. I love him but I don't know what to do to [convince] him that I'm a good faithful woman and that I'm not like all the other b*@$#?!."
He will always accuse you of being unfaithful and you will never convince him otherwise. His pathological jealousy is a means of exerting control over you, and those males who most vociferously accuse their girlfriends of cheating are almost always those who are cheating on their girlfriends themselves.
Unfortunately you made the serious mistake of irresponsibly getting pregnant by a virtual stranger who turned out to be a verbally abusive, controlling jerk who is also likely a cheater as well as a potential physical abuser.
He'll never change, and presuming you carried your pregnancy to term you need to get your child away from the toxic presence of your boyfriend. Contact your local domestic violence hotline or women's shelter for the help, information, and support you need to make a clean, final and safe break.
His irrational behavior will only escalate and there's nothing you can do to stop it. All you can do is take the necessary steps to keep you and your child safe.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): Has be been cheated on before?
There are usually two reasons why people accuse others of cheating: genuine insecurity and suspicion AND deflection from their own guilt.
People who are genuinely concerned about cheating probably have been cheated on before. Something in their life is making them feel insecure, and it's manifesting as paranoia and suspicion. Any little suggestive signs, even if their benign, will set off their suspicions. The best thing to do is to be very reassuring. Make time for each other as a couple and do some bonding.
The other is a deflection, and is a sign that they might be up to something. Keep an eye if that's the case.
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