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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi. Me and my bf have been togther almost 2 years and we are about to buy a house togther. He is fronting all of the deposit and paying for most of the fees (around £20,000). However, sometimes when I go round to see him and want to eat his food he complains and wants me to get my own food?! This does not make any sense to me. In a sense he is tight - he has managed to save to buy a house by eating cheap food, but in other ways he is not tight - as he is paying for the deposit you know? Does this make any sense to anyone?! It hurts my feelings a bit when I arrange to come round after work and he asks me to bring my own food with him. I feel like he does not love me. I would never do this and I always cook for him, but at the same time I have never been able to save more than £1000.
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (24 August 2011):
 sorry but i agree with your boyfriend - he is saving £20,000 FOR BOTH OF YOU you cannot expect him to feed you as well. you are contributing little to this deposit if you have been unable to save more than £1,000.
of course i don't know who many times per week you go to his house wanting a meal and i don't know how much you and your boyfriend earn, but if he is bothering to complain to you then maybe he is struggling for money.
talk about it with him, try to understand his point of view
x
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (24 August 2011):
Well, I was brought up to be frugal, especially with food, whilst my US wife is the complete opposite, and somehow its always food costs that bug me, even though they are relatively minor in the big picture. Buying a house together certainly taught my wife to be frugal and will probably do the same for you :)But seriously, being frugal can get a bit compulsive and you should understand that your bf has given up something so you can get a house and he will feel upset if it seems like you aren't doing your bit. Depends if you've just devoured his fridge or had a nibble of something. Persuade him not to get upset, and yes, you could always rip his clothes off and jump on him to help him keep a balanced perspective.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, great answers!! x
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (24 August 2011):
People have different styles of sharing, and different styles of managing money. Some people are generous with giving and gifts but refuse to lend money. Other people will be happy to give money to friends if they ever need it but don't like lending out books. Some people will share the shirt off their back, but hate the idea of sharing a meal with someone. People can be very particular, and a lot of these styles and patterns come from what we learn growing up in our family environment. Sometimes there is good logic beind it, and sometimes not.
Have a conversation about it with him. Find out why he seems to be so generous financially but not with food. If there is a particular style you would like to adopt as a couple, tell him what it is. Let him think about it all, and you too, and come up with an arrangement that works for both of you. When styles clash in these areas, sometimes a compomise is required to find a workable solution.
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (24 August 2011):
 I didn't really see this as a negative question where the asker seems greedy or mooching. It reminds me of my fiancee and I in the very beginning of our relationship. He asked me to buy my own food. I felt hurt by it. It felt like he was keeping everything separated. I mean you are both planning on buying a house together and he insists on you bringing your own food as if you were a roommate..?? In my relationship my fiancee makes about 3 times what I do. What I decided to do was to buy all of our food for both of us. He handled the house payments, electric, gas etc and I paid for all grocery and house items, and toiletries. Obviously not nearly as much as he was paying, but still contributing and also made it feel more like a couple since I was buying both of our items. At this point we are getting married and all of our money is shared in a joint account, but it worked great up until this point. But I can completely understand how your feelings would be hurt by it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 August 2011):
 he's buying you both a house and you're complaining that you have to bring food to eat? What are you fiscally contributing to the relationship?
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (23 August 2011):
 Since he is saving and budgeting his money-he gets to decide what to do with it. He is putting a lot into the deposit of a home, but chooses to keep is food budget tighter.
Just contribute more to the food budget with items or cash! Bring over some standard stock items that you can use if you drop by for a meal. (Canned good, pasta, etc.)
Talk about what you both expect before living together. This is not about love, or feelings at all.
This is about practical responsibility between two people.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 August 2011):
 Depends on how often you come around, how much you eat, and how much he eats at your place. Try to make it about as equal and fair as you can: he eats dinner at your place, you eat dinner at his. You don't have to keep score, but try to make it 50/50, food costs money too after all.
When you move in together you'll probably spit in 50/50 for the food budget, this is for dinners and the essentials. Food purchases will probably be discussed and agreed upon beforehand. If you want the extra's outside of budget you will need to buy it yourself.
That sounds fair to me. Unless it is proven that one of you eat 2 times more than the other, then the person who eats more pays more, in my opinion.
Until you are married there isn't such a thing as joint economy. His money is his money, your money is your money.
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female
reader, Sweet Cutie Pie  +, writes (23 August 2011):
Hello ^_^
By reading your story..i agree with the responses of the users. I must also add...you said your boyfriend is in a tight financial position and due to that he is consuming cheap food. It might be possible that he asks you to bring your food with you because he does not want you to eat cheap food which is most of the time hazardous to health. I would rather say he is caring about you. Take it in a positive way dear :)
Hope this helps :)
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (23 August 2011):
 I think you should say you'd rather just maybe buy food together (and you pay for some of it) than feel like a stranger when you come round.
I think he is generous and practical, but he gets annoyed about funding everything.
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male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (23 August 2011):
If he was smart he would keep enough in his house for both of you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): Tell him that bringing your own food is not a problem, but that you want to know exactly why this is an issue with him. Get to the bottom of why he's making this request (is it that he is resentful about something? That he thinks something is not fair? If he doesn't say now, this could become bigger later)
And then tell him why this in particular bothers you. That for whatever reason it makes you feel that he does not love you. He's not going to know this unless you tell him. But at the same time acknowledge his contributions and the fact that he is fronting a lot of the money. If he feels the way he does because he is fronting a lot of the money, let him know you'll help out in any way you can, but that you want to make sure that he still loves you (and wants to take care of you/protect you, etc)
I hope you can figure out a compromise. I know the easy solution for people who hear about this problem is just that you should bring the food. But I feel like this might become a bigger issue if resentments build. Nip it in the bud now.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 August 2011):
 Your feelings shouldn't be hurt, after all he's doing all the buying. Start chipping in for the food at least. Don't be Minnie the Moocher.
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