A
female
age
41-50,
*bowlegz
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years and last year cheated on me with another girl and got her pregnant.I decided to stay with him and told him that i understand that he has to be in the childs life, but I told him that he can count me out of the family outings that include the kid because I dont want to be apart of that.Am I wrong because I dont wanna be this fake pretend family (keep in mind him and I dont have any kids together )Why should I be in this kids life I wasn't apart of him making her
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 Listen to Caring Guy, there is no option not to be part of this child's life, that is impossible. Your boyfriend has a child, a child that walks and talks. He won't be able to control things so you never get involved.
That's like pretending your mad aunt in the attic isn't trying to burn the house down... Either stay and forgive him and try to make this thing work, or walk away now before you spend a life time of hurt. This child exists, saying you won't get involved will not stop the hurt, the jealousy, and will not make the child disappear.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 June 2010):
The bottom line here is that you getting involved is next to unavoidable. You are absolutely right in that you don't need to have to do anything with the child. In a dream world, none of this wouldn't have happened. But this has implications that maybe you won't have thought about.
1 - At some point, the child will come to your home to visit him. This means the very real possibility of a crying baby at your home that isn't yours. A great reminder at 2am that he cheated.
2 - At some point, the child will want to know who you are.
3 - There are going to be birthday's, Easters, Christmases, parents evenings at schools where he will have to see the woman he cheated with, possibly even seeing her over you.
4 - The money. Fact is money will be going to that child, and it will be entitled to its father's money. You want that holiday? Won't happen if he has to pay child support and can't afford it. House? Won't happen.
5 - You will no longer be number 1 unless you are there beside him. If you're not, when it comes down to it, the child will be put first.
6 - What happens if you have kids? They will be siblings and will have every right to meet. That's something else you won't be able to stop.
I very much admire and respect that you're staying with this man after he's treated you so badly. It takes courage and a golden heart. But I hope I've given you some things to think about here. There really is no way you can refuse to be part of this child's life. In staying with him, you will need to be a part of the child's life because at some point that child is going to grow and come knocking for answers, or will want to meet siblings, or will want to live with its father. It will happen. And I'm afraid that if you don't at least act as a welcoming friend to it, you'll be swept aside and end up hurt even more. You asked the question why you should be apart of the child's life? Because you are now apart of it. And it's better to be a friendly step mother now, than be seen as the expendable one later.
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A
female
reader, Blue Sahara +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I know that what we should do and what we do do after someone cheats is two different things. In a perfect world we should completely forgive them and never have any hurt feelings. But in the real world, the pain is CONSTANTLY being brought up over and over again. And the only way you can keep the relationship alive is to avoid the things that remind you of the pain. Otherwise, you would walk away completely cause every time the pain comes up again, you are reminded of the betrayal and you are reminded of how much hate and anger you had toward him.
I think it is vital he understand that. The when we are in relationships we are immensely open with the other person and when they forget that and hurt us, it leaves a scar that will never heal fully. If he is putting pressure on you to go to these things I would let him know that everytime you see the child it reminds you of the betrayal and you want to be with him still and that's makes it hard to be with him. Not in a nagging way. But just in a way of expressing how you feel so he knows for the future.
But I also think that it's important to understand that after we forgive the person and stay with them, we have to try and love them again. And love the things they love. And there is nothing more that you should love then his child. This is not her and his child. It's his child. And that child will be in his life for the rest of his life, no matter what. So if you want to be in his life too, it is important you build a relationship with his child.
Also, if the child is young they may not see it but when they age they will start to notice your lack of wanting to be around them. And as a child they don't take into account why. They just think it's because they aren't lovable.
It sucks that you have to be the bigger person. But unfortunately the people who forgive adulterers usually have to be saints.
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A
female
reader, masterpo +, writes (24 June 2010):
The child isn't yours so you dont have to have anything to do with it. but since you decided to stay with your boyfriend, you should at least act like a family friend. nothing more if you dont want to though.
hope this helps
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