A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for about five months now. We have gone through a lot that I believe most couples wouldn't have in such a time frame.I have a history of being hurt by men and I find it hard to trust although I do trust my boyfriend more than my friends. My boyfriend knows more about me than my family and friends.At the beginning, I trusted my boyfriend more but when he's lied to me twice (about small things though) and kept a straight face when I confronted him, it really killed a part of me. I might have also made it harder on him because I have lied to him before he and I dated.What triggered most of our fights is my past with men. I don't openly like to admit that I have made mistakes in my previous relationships but who hasn't? My boyfriend though, has never dated any woman before me and it has impacted him a lot. He told me a few times that those initial memories weren't good memories.I have a problem with love. The problem with me is that I am clingy and insecure. I can be completely normal around friends because I am not vulnerable to them but as soon as I become the girlfriend, I am hard to deal with. I have high demands for the guy I'm with and I imagine scenarios in my head. I know that something is wrong with me that was why I asked him to take me to a counselor but it was too late.Too many things have happened and he is already not living in my city. His parents don't think I am right for him. His mother thinks I'm a bad influence to him because I stay up late but he has been staying up late before he met me. I find it unfair that his mother hinted that I should take over her responsibility to teach him how to be responsible. When he was in trouble, I did everything a girlfriend could do. I don't understand why his parents cannot see the good in me too.He and I are both guilty of wanting to break up. When we first started dating, I would want to break up because of my fear of getting hurt again. I have long since stopped asking to break up. Soon after, he was the one who would want to break up. He and I are both stubborn and whenever he wanted to break up, he'd cut all ways for me to change his mind. I had to beg him to hear me out. I had to use all possible ways (like making him promise me that he'd see me if he wants me to listen to him talk) to beg him to see me one last time. The first time, I had to chase him to a mall. I kept calling him and people were looking at me but I didn't care.Our last big fight was when I felt neglected by him over the internet. I admit that it was my fault. He didn't take very long to reply but I was getting insecure again. I decided to distract myself and when he needed me the most because he wanted me to hear about his plan to come back to the city I'm living, I wasn't responding quick enough. He was so hurt that he ran out of his apartment, slipped and hurt his head. He broke up with me. He said that he and I are too different and we're not right for each other. I know that he and I are different people. I am the rigid and quiet stay-at-home type of girl and he is spontaneous and loves to head out late at night. I am also persistent and I don't believe that what we have went through is worth throwing away so easily. After begging him to take me back and telling him that I would change, he finally accepted after a day or two.I feel like I'm walking on ice. He doesn't want me to put on a face and when I do tell him how I feel (since I'm a blunt person) he would get frustrated or upset.I love him. I love how he is faithful. Before him, I stopped believing that guys could be loyal. He has taught me how to love again.In your opinion, do you think I am good enough for him? He plans to come here for me without his parents' consent. He still goes to school and will have to work to support himself. I don't make enough to help him financially but I told him that I would try my best.Has anyone gone through a similar situation? Thanks for your time and help in advance.
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female
reader, Blue Sahara  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I don't think it's a matter of being good enough or not. The problem is that your insecurities are making his life worse.
Relationships stay strong and thrive when the other person is making you life better. Even if you fight or have issues with each other, life without them would be harder. Relationships end when the pain or frustration the person is causing in your life isn't worth it. It makes life without them seem better than life with them. You get to a point where the thought of singleness is so much better than being in a relationship.
For every person it's different. Someone can be argumentative and that causes so much frustration the relationship ends. Or someone can be so emotionally distant that the relationship ends because of how painful it is to be in a relationship alone. In your case, you are feeling the vulnerability in a relationship and making it his fault.
Everyone feels that vulnerability. That's why people can be so bitter years and years after a break up. Because they got hurt at their most vulnerable. That vulnerability puts a lot of fear in us. But it's up to us to decide what we are going to do with it. You are making you fears his problem. He has to live his life a certain way to make you happy that is probably above the norm. When we have to sacrifice small things for our mates, it makes us feel good. But when that issue is now dictating how you live your life, the person is now making your life worse with them. You are miserable in relationships so you make him miserable too. Trust me, there is only so much someone will put up with that.
I had a boyfriend like that. At first I thought it was cute so if he was jealous I wouldn't go out and stay home and cuddle with him. Or I'd talk to him on the phone as long as he liked. But then I started to become miserable. I started to resent that he couldn't let me be happy. Cause any sign of happiness was a sign that I was up to something! He was miserable, so shouldn't I be too? He stressed day and night about me, so shouldn't I be that way also? He couldn't control it and he lost me because of it.
You need to go to counseling. He doesn't need to take you to counseling. This is your issue, not his. If he has his own issues, then he needs to deal with them. But let me tell you this. What is happening right now is there is still something in him that is flattered by your obsessing over the relationship. Even though you go crazy sometimes, he is putting up with it cause it's a compliment that you want him that much. But he will get fed up and want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't make him dream of the days he was single. If you want to be that girl, you need to deal with this.
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