A
female
age
26-29,
*aisy May
writes:Hello,I have been with my partner just over a year. We were work colleagues for around 6 months prior to that, and our relationship didn't start in the best way - my then boyfriend was working away and I had an affair with current boyfriend for that duration (around 2 months). Since our relationship started, I have always stressed the importance of trust in our relationship, as I struggle to trust anyone and have always been too scared to trust new people.Just over our year anniversary, I found out that my boyfriend had lied to me about having sex with someone during the sticky part of the beginning to our relationship (where I went back to my boyfriend of the time and we had about 1-2 weeks apart before I realised what I really wanted). I would have been completely okay with what he had done during that time (a very confusing messy time), but it's that he lied to me that sticks. A similar thing happened in my previous relationship, and I am sure this was the cause of the breakdown of that relationship so am scared the same will happen again.Since I discovered this lie I have lost all faith in my boyfriend and am really struggling with what else he may have lied about. In particular, he has an extremely close female friend (12-14 years of friendship) that he is adamant that nothing has ever happened with - I am scared he has lied about this, and therefore covering any underlying feelings for this female friend as they are not returned from her. Prior to the lie, I had always admired their close relationship - as I don't have anything similar in my life, but now I am scared there is more to it and I don't know what else he has lied to me about. How can I build the trust back up with my boyfriend? And have faith that his friendship with his best friend is legit and wouldn't be something more if she wanted it to be?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 December 2019):
 OP, your relationship is build on lies and deceit.
THAT is a fact. YOU cheated on someone to be with this guy and when you were figuring out WHO you wanted, he slept with someone else.
NEITHER of you are trustworthy.
Which is why building trust is an uphill battle. He can't trust YOU fully because you DID cheat on your ex and at some point you COULD cheat on him. Cheaters cheat.
And he had sex while YOU two were not together. In my book HE didn't really cheat on you. You weren't together, he was probably hurt that you CHOSE to try and figure things out with your ex. Whomever he slept with was a rebound. Why did he lie? Because he knew the truth wasn't pretty. You might SAY you would have been totally OK with him sleeping with someone in that period if ONLY he had told you. Hmm, did you tell your ex-BF about having sex with this current BF?
You have a certain double standard going here. You are obviously OK with having an affair and cheat and lie, but you WANT TRUTH from your partner. Seems a little contradictory.
As for his female friend, YES there are some people who are ABLE to maintain friendships that are PURELY platonic with a member of the opposite sex.
YOU are making the presumption that because YOU cheated - HE will too. Or that he DOES cheat, if only in his head.
I'd say you need to work on you. Not him. He can work on him if he feels HE has issues. But thinking if he ONLY will drop that female friend all is good, is unrealistic.
As you KNOW, a cheater will cheat.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 December 2019):
 I find it ironic that cheaters are usually the ones who have trust issues and assume others are cheating. Perhaps this is the price you pay for cheating? If anyone in your current relationship should be having trust issues, surely it is your boyfriend. After all, you were cheating with HIM while still with your ex. I assume you have heard the saying "get them by cheating, lose them to cheating"?
And your previous relationship broke down because YOU cheated. If there were other issues in the relationship, you should have either sorted them out or finished with that boyfriend. Cheating is not a FIX for ANYTHING or justifiable because there are issues in your relationship.
Not telling you about having sex with someone while you were back with your ex is, in my book, sensible. It's a pity you found out about it (I dread to think how) but, nevertheless, it really has nothing to do with you as you were not together at the time and YOU were back with your ex (and having sex, we assume).
It sounds like you need to look at your own insecurities and issues and work out the real reason why you cheated. Work on that and I am sure your current relationship will benefit.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 December 2019):
 Your actions don't match your words, while you are stressing how important trust is in a relationship you actually were cheating on a boyfriend while having an affair with this guy.
You are also upset about him lying about having sex with somebody while you and he were split while you had sex with the previously mentioned boyfriend, now ex.
You both need to work on this relationship if you need it to work. Some counselling sessions as a couple would be the first step.
If you and he cant work it out remember for the next time that your actions have to match your words, if you want trust you need to clearly demonstrate your own trustworthyness by not cheating as a first step.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): OP, this current relationship is doomed, just like your last relationship was doomed. I am sorry to say this, but you yourself are a liar and a cheater. I do not know why you are choosing the type of men who betray your trust, but you need to be single and get into counseling, to seek out what is the root of your own willingness to lie and cheat. You see, you can never trust anyone, because you already know that you cheated, so you then project that fact onto your current partner, feeling like he must be cheating too. You are not mentally healthy and until you seek answers thru counseling, you will not be healthy enough to be in a healthy relationship. Please use birth control and condoms, to protect yourself, and any potential innocent children, who could only compound your problems! My prayers are for your wellness and a future happy life, for you! Xx
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