A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Over the last year, I've spent 5 months total with my bf. Let me give you a timeline. January-gone half the month workingFebruary-gone half the month because he was mad at me but we took a trip to Florida where we reconciled but then I flew across the country for a family function and was gone til March. April/May-spent together, but very rocky because I found out he had been ogling other women online. June-spent half the month together until I reached a breaking point and left with the kids. August-he came to visit and stayed until September. October/November-off working December-spent together until he leaves for work again but whilst giving me the silent treatment. He hasn't talked to me un 2 days. When we're together I'm reminded how great he is, but it never lasts long. When he leaves, I'm reminded of all the things hes done over the years. In the beginning, I'll admit that I may have flirted with other guys but that was really to satisfy an insecurity of my own. Since then, I have a list of things hes done, from flirting with his ex, to ogling women online even women he just seen briefly while we were in my hometown, to leaving all night with his brother, to loading all the parenting responsibilities on me, drug use, drug dealing, verbal/emotional abuse from his family and him to the point that I was an anxious wreck that jumped at his every command, his obvious readiness to leave at the drop of a hat, and I'm supposed to be ok with everything hes done over the years, because I did wrong 4 yrs ago. I cant eve. Have friends anymore because of that or he gets mad. But I'm really supposed to be ok with all the little things hes done over the years because he loves our kids and me and he works to provide us with money once in a while...because he actually doesn't provide much. Diapers...he had me get on food stamps for food money. When we left in june, I never recieved one dollar from him but it's all the better because he holds money against you. Dont get me wrong, his good side is wonderful. It's why I've stayed for so long. Would you stay? I'm really fed up especially since he hasn't talked to me in 2 days like I'm the one that left again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): He is a decent father. I never really thought I was punishing myself but it really is something to think about.
I'm not exactly sure if he does drugs now, but he has in the past abused suboxone, and just a year ago I found an empty box of packets of the stuff, and a couple bottles of the pill form, and now they're gone.
I've tried to shield my kids as much as I could but now that I think about it, I remember his mom saying she had to shield him from some of the same emotional/verbal as a kid.
When he makes money, it usually goes to the car payment and the insurance and set aside. For Christmas, he went overboard on gifts and I assume it was just his guilt taking over him.
I know its healthy for him to be so in/out of their lives which is why I've moved back near my family to provide some stability. I think I've done a pretty good job of creating that much for them but he still comes here.
As for a relationship between him and I, I always feel more like a tether. If we weren't together, how would it affect them since they're so used to us being together. My oldest is planning a bday party for him if he comes back and every thing about it breaks my heart. The whole unsureness of if he'll stay til his bday just to spend it with them if hes mad at me, or if he stays and expects us to be together and frankly, I'm unhappy with all the things hes used to doing.
And hes also the type of person that cant admit their faults and shortcomings. I just feel so stuck.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 December 2019):
 If he "leaves" for work as much as you write in your posts... why doesn't he bring home ANY "bacon"? where does the money go?
To drugs?
What about your kids? DO you really think this is what is best for them? Do you think this is healthy for them to grow up in an environment of drug use and a dad verbally abusing their mother?
I think you stay with him out of guilt more than love.
YOU are the one who thinks whatever you did 4 years ago was so bad that you don't deserve better than this guy.
And why on Earth do you have more than one kid with him? If things are just not good? Or healthy? Why ADD children to that powder-keg?
The thing with a guy who has a "good side" and a "bad side" is that there IS a "bad side" at all.
No one is perfect, don't get me wrong. But drug use, drug dealing, verbal abuse? Does ALL that not outweigh whatever "good" he offers?
You seem to have no stability for your kids.
When you reach a point of REALIZING this is no good you leave with the kids. ONLY to take him back. And then what you really do is give him ammo to hold over your head to NOT think he has to provide for his kids.
If you have a relationship that is ON/OFF it is NOT working. Whatever the issue that breaks you up will still be there when you reconcile. Which means you will break up again, and again, and again. And who is left holding the SHIT? The kids. You might not MEAN for that to happen but they are the ones who are UNABLE to have a say, feel safe, take care of themselves.
You might want to reconsider your priorities. I think your kids should go WAY above him, as far as importance.
They NEED stability.
If he IS a decent father when he is around them, then he can still see them even if you aren't together. They will still have a dad. However, HOW can you know they will be safe WITH him if he is into drugs and selling drugs?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 December 2019):
 The rest of your post paled into insignificance when I read this: "drug use, drug dealing, verbal/emotional abuse from his family and him to the point that I was an anxious wreck that jumped at his every command, his obvious readiness to leave at the drop of a hat, and I'm supposed to be ok with everything hes done over the years, because I did wrong 4 yrs ago. I cant eve. Have friends anymore because of that or he gets mad."
Does this not tell you what you should be doing? He MAY be "wonderful" when it suits him, but what about the rest of it?
Now here is YOUR question: do you think this is all you and your children deserve?
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