A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts and uncles,I’m really interested to hear what others think is a ‘normal’ amount of messages to be sending in the very early stages of dating.For context: I’ve been seeing a new guy that I met online for the past month, we’ve had 1-2 dates per week during this time and haven’t yet slept together. He’s now messaging me everyday, friendly and fairly long winded messages. It’s always him that initiates the contact. I’m slightly weary of this as 18 months ago I came out of a very controlling and verbally abusive 11 year relationship. One of the early red flags (which I completely ignored at the time) was being bombarded by messages very early on and him getting annoyed if I didn’t message back quickly. This new guy hasn’t ever got annoyed if I don’t message back straight away, but I suppose I really struggle to trust my judgment now and am unsure if this is too much . Equally around 6 months ago I started what I thought was a new relationship with somebody that I had met online. He was the complete opposite of the guy that I am now dating; it was always me who had to make the effort and he was often flaky in terms of replying . At the time I saw this as a positive thing as it was so different to the long, unhealthy relationship that I had just got out of, although I now realise that he just wasn’t that interested and only wanted a short fling.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 December 2019):
 A saying I heard once comes to mind: "If you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you." Just because this guy is messaging you every day does not mean he is necessarily the same as your abusive ex.
How quickly do you reply? Try not replying straight away and see what his reaction is. If he starts to get fractious with you about it, then you need to see this as a red flag. If he understands you have a life and cannot always reply to him straight away, he is probably just trying to show he is keen.
This is one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations. You need to take a more holistic view of the relationship to decide whether this daily texting is a good or bad sign.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 December 2019):
 I agree with anon male, CALL each other when you want to talk.
And TRY not to color ALL men by one bad apple.
The thing that strikes me is this, IF you were the one (in your last online relationship) who kept the conversations going only to realize that the guy didn't bother replying much because he wasn't interested... HOW do you think your new guy feels with you lack of initiate? ARE you interested in him? Or not? If you ARE interested in him, definitely PICK up the phone and call him. If you aren't sure what the best time is, you can ask while having a text conversation. You can always say I would love to listen to your voice do you have 5 minutes for a call? If he does, call him.
You carry around your past, to a point where you aren't sure if YOUR judgement is off. Which, I can totally understand. Which is why going slow is key.
You have ONLY known this guy for a month. He is still a stranger. You have only had 4-8 dates IN person. The BEST way to get to know someone is spending time IN person.
You know from your past BAD relationship of 11 years what were the red flags that you didn't see or CHOSE not to acknowledge. So have them in mind.
You were with your abusive ex for 11 years, so it will TAKE you some time to UNPACK all that, go through it and move forward.
Talking to someone might also help you. Writing things down can make things more clear at times.
TAKE your time. Be your own BEST friend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): You can't tell whether someone is a keeper by the frequency of messaging and the quantity of words I'm afraid. It's the substance and tone. Only you have that information.
But.. if this messaging thing is throwing you off, why not go wild and call eachother?
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