A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I have just came out of a long distance relationship that has lasted for 2 years.I had a friend at school who was very skilled at spanish and he would go on spanish forums and talk to people who lived in spain, he contacted a girl who really liked punk music and it was her dream to visit camden town in london as that is a important punk place in london. My friend knew that I was a punk and so gave her my msn adress.lets call this girl 'S' when she first started talking tom me on MSN i wastnt really intrested in her but as time went on we would gradually talk more and talk more, it was becoming obvious that she was developing some sort of feelings for me we would talk about music and political stuff and the punk scene sand so forth some times we would talk about personal issues, during that time of me talking to her a few relationships had come and gone and I didnt really think I would meet her as spain was so far away and I didn't speak any spanish.during that time i found out that my mothers aunt lived in the malaga province in spain (the same province s lived in) so i knew that meeting her was actuallypossible at one point.fast forward a year and a half a band from the 70's were reforing for a one off gig in london which was one of her faviourite bands. she was going to london. she says that because she had been talking with me so much that she considered me a good friend even if i lived so far away.We met in London but she was so shy that we didnt really talk about things, we just considered each ofther friends.at this point I met some ppl from america at the gig and I have always wanted to go to america so at this point i was really confuzed whether to go to spain or the US.Eventually I picked up the courage to go to spain and meet this girl, we instantly got along really well with each other and we got drunk together, she is a student at a university and lives in a flat in the city that her parents owned. we had to keep the fact that i was staying there a secret from her parents and had booked to stay in a hostel fora couple of days and also visiting my aunt. well any way we ended up sleeping together and i stayed in er parents flat for a few days and we would cook each other meals, I then had to leave the flat and go to my aunts a couple of days later. when i returned we was very romantic like and we would talk about things and click together extreamly well. I then went back to my hostel to stay there a few days as she had homework to do.When I saw her next I hing that I was very nervous about, I asked her if she wanted a boyfriend and she said yes..she wanted to carry on meeting me, at that point we both confessed our feelings for eah other..the day I had to leave for spain was very upsetting for her but I promised that we would meet again and this was just the begining...over the year we would fly back and forth to see each other every 6 weeks to 2 months..and our relationship was starting to blosom but at this point there was still that uncertainity about what happen to us, (as there usually are in young relationships) 7 months into the relationship she stayed at my parents house for a month and everything seemed so perfect, she met my family then 2 months later i went to malaga with my parents and both familys met this is when a certain converstation happenedmy parents had arranged as a bday present for both of us as both our bdays are in september for us to stay in a hotel room together in the ame hotel my parents were staying in for there holiday,I asked her what she expects from this relationship and what kind of relationship she wanted and she replied 'this one' but she said she doestnt know what will happen in the future and if we would stay togteher but we both admitted that we loved each other, I then asked her if she wanted a more long term 'adult' relationship she said yes that wen want to build a future together and be together for a long time and make dreams come true for each other and that it had gotton serious because now familys were involved. after this uncomfortable talk we carried on as normal and again it got stronger and stronger.we met a few more times and everthing seemed great, we then talked about travelling as we have both always wanted to o this we then started argueing about it she wanted to go france and i wanted to go to the US, however we had met an american couple who were travellers and they said we was welcome to meet them anytime we want. S hared a scholarship for an english culture course in london for 3 weeks in the begining of summer and then she would stay in england untill november and she would find a job and we would rent a flat together..during that time, i couldnt find work coz of the economic crisis..she went back to england and told her i would be in spain for xmashowever i noticed that slowly we was not talking with the same passion that we used too and that we rarely spoke anymore (this is due to the part that my msn had broke)when I saw her next i could tell that something was wrong. I have been in a few relationships before and i can spot the tell tale signs that its not working out, eventually even if she was reluctant to tell me that her attitude towards th relationship had changed bout a month agoshe felt trapped being in a long term relationship and that I was her first official bf, also that I known her since she was 16 and me since I was 18 we are 22 and 20 now, she noted that we have both changed and matured so much. she said that she doestnt like the idea of long term relationships as shes young and she has lots of things to do before she settles down. I asked her if it was because we moved in together a year and a half into our relationship and she said no..that when we was together in england she had never felt happier but when she returned to spain she felt very unhappy and that the relationship was becoming to lose sense and lost all sense of logicthen i said that this turns so much upside dwn like what about the fact we have worked so hard to go to seattle next summer, she said that we should wait a week and see how things are, she got very upset and said that she never meant to hurt me and that she feeled that she had failed me, but if we was to stay together things would get too serious and we would only end up hating each other as we are so young.also that she got tired of the fact that she couldnt really do anything with out of having toput her bf first. we then prposed the following situation to the problema) we seperate butwe go to the US as planned and then we shall see if she still wants a relationship in the summerb) that she was confused because we are so similar in personalities and that she considers me her best friend and that she would want to meet up with me again sometime in the future but be together in a less serious wayc) seperate for a month and then see how things are thend) i move to malaga and live with my aunt, and we can see each other in a less formal way like 'dating'e) we live ourlives apart and we still meet up from time and time again and be as normal when e meet but go back to reality when we seperate (an open relationship as it were)f) I go to my aunts now and come back to see her after about 2 weeks and see how things arewe suggested that we go together for b that we have no contact for 6 months-to a year and that when we have both healed we can meet again, and then see if we can date again but not to focus too much on the dating part as it would not work out that wayshe said it wastnt my fault that it had ended this way but her fault as she is the one who changed, I then said what about that converstation we had a year ago about being a more adult couple and she said that was back then and this is now. and also that we see relationships too fifferently...that I see relationships as like a union of 2 people while she sees tham as a more open thingwe then talked about when she used to tell me before that we started a relationship that she just wanted for someone to love her as she always felt alone and nobody was really in her life and she always wanted a boyfriend. she again said that that is the past and this is what she feels now, she has lots of things to do before she settles down in a long term relationship and she doestnt know where she will end up in life.her parents ended up paying for my flight back to england as if i stayed with them it would just make things more painful, her parents even started crying saying that they are very sorry that tis has happened and i hd never done anything wrong.I have stopped eating and sleeping since the break up I have been taking sleeping pills but they dont seem to work and I have lost 6 lbs already. I am just in complete shockIy sorry for the very long post i just want some advice about the situation and why the aunts and uncles out there think that my gf just suddenly changed like that
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best friend, drunk, long distance, moved in, msn, shy, sleeping pills, trapped, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): My heart really goes out to you! You are in a much related situation as I am in but mine is more complex because of my age and my status, (it's a long story too but I have not posted it yet for various reasons). However, I feel what you are going through are the same emotional upsets as I am.
I want to say to you that this is nobodies fault. Even your girlfriend who says she is at fault for changing; it is more than change it is maturing and growing. The truth is you never stop growing spiritually speaking. Anyone who tells you otherwise is speaking with their Ego.
Here is my advice. (Please remember I have nothing to gain from this except the peace of mind that I have helped someone. I am not looking for a star. I have a very busy life but will not hesitate to help if you feel that I am).
You need to stop hurting yourself. The lack of sleeping and not eating can and WILL make matters worse; this is not healing which is what you were trying to accomplish. Get away from perceptions in your head because that is where all kinds of story will keep you from thinking straight. Know that you are a good person and so was the person you shared 4 years of your life. Cherish the experiences you had in the past and don’t anticipate the future with certain expectations that evolved anyone other than yourself. Get involved in some of your passions and if you think you don’t have any make it your passion to find one. Work towards your personal goals. Prepare yourself if your friend of 4 years moves on; be happy for her if she is really your friend. Hopefully she will do the same for you but that is up to her to worry about not you.
I am not saying that you will never be together again but this could be even years from now. I am suggesting not setting yourself up with false hope. Give her time to live her live and do what she needs to do but in the mean time you can’t be stagnant. Wouldn’t it be great if fate does bring you back together and you both have more to offer?
You have made the right decision by giving yourself time to heal but you need to remember healing is in the present not the path. Also remember that outside support is an important remedy to healing so if you need anyone to talk to please don’t hesitate to contact me.
Good luck my friend!
Tony
A
female
reader, LLindy87  +, writes (8 January 2010):
 that is the hard parts about relationships. They are so good for awhile and then something changes, either an outside source that wrecks something or something inside someone. Sometimes people just change and grow and people grow apart. :/
Your relationship seemed like a fairy tale though, so exciting and I kept reading and wanting to know what would happen next.
I'm sorry that she broke up with you. But I think that you should try to move on and see where life takes you as a single person. good luck.
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