A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my current boyfriend for 8 months now, it does seem like it's not a long time but it's been the best 8 months of life span. I have been with another guy for 3 years and experienced and learned alot. But i've never felt this way before and never cared or loved someone so much before or even know for a fact that i want to be with him forever. 6 months ago his older sister bought up my past and shared it with another friend. The friend was also my boyfriend's friend, Things got complicated and we started talkinga about my past, and the sexual activities and actions i've done with other guys in the past. He thought he could take my past which isn't the best , because he has a messed up past of his own. But when he found out about everything, he wasn't able to handle it. We broke up 2 days ago, i felt like my heart was frozen. He broke up with me because he didn't want to try anymore.. But i told him i'll be there for him and talk to him about what is on he's mind and reassure that it's not what he thinks and tell him the truth. And i also told him to believe in us, to believe that we can get better because his mentality was in a wrong state (that's how i felt, he kept saying he already tried and it didnt work. But success doesn't come with just one try, there will be failures in the process of attempting success).. so he changed how he thought for a bit but he broke down and went back to square one. I'm not sure what to do, I understand i need to give him more space because we do see each other a lot. But besides that factor what else will be helpful? Please let me know how you guys have been able to overcome the problem because this man is the love of my life.. And the last thing i want is to lose him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Think of him like a drug addict. Talking about your past is like taking drugs for him: he can't stop even though it's hurting both of you. In that situation what do you do when an addict tries to take more... you stop them. Same as in this situation: when he wants to dig into your past and his horrible feelings, don't let him. Change the subject, get the addict away from the thing that's hurting them."
what if he wakes up thinking about our past and goes to sleep thinking about it?..
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 July 2010):
 "How do i stop him from thinking about it or talking about it?"
That's a big question. You mentioned you've looked at some of my previous posts. I've written a lot about this so I suggest you keep looking.
In terms of specific tips I recommend these posts:
This one gives some specific tips on how to 'let go':
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
This one discusses how to 'talk about it' in a constructive way:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
This one is more of just a straight kick up the ass:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-anonymous-flings-and-oral-sex-differ.html
He should read them. Perhaps copy the most relevant bits and send them to him.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe're speaking again today. How do i help and what can he do Yos?.. He is actually trying to stop thinking about it but it seems like it just pops into his head whenever. I try confirming things with him liek swearing on our relationship about certain insecurities but after what you wrote it connected to some of our issues. I may have been mentioning or swearing on our relationship about it hoping it will clear his head up for a bit but it might actually in return make it worse.
How do i stop him from thinking about it or talkinga about it? ( He isn't a very expressive person. He has a hard time talking to people about his feelings and i just happen to be the person he can actually open up to. )
I know when he thinks about it when he neglects me in certain ways and when he has a really stressed out expression on his face. He does not directly talk to me about it unless we're arleady talking about it.
The past few days we havent been seeing each or talking to each other. I've missed him like crazy while he didnt miss me as much because he the thoughts of my past clouded his thoughts. He doesn't have the space to think about our relationship or the good times we have shared together because he's been realyl caught up with the past. What are some techniques he can use to get his mind off the past and onto other things ? What did you find helpful?
I've read some of your other post and you suggested to write down how he feels about me when we're happy and read it over and over again when he thinks about it.
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A
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reader, Yos +, writes (11 July 2010):
You may be reinforcing his negative behavior, be careful.
This situation isn't your fault: you haven't done anything wrong. So you don't owe him any apologies! You said:
"I messaged him saying sorry for being not understanding about his situation"
It's good for you to have empathy for him, but don't be sorry! If you're acting like you're sorry then that will let him continue to blame you and your past for his pain. It's important both of you realise that you have nothing to be sorry about because you've don nothing wrong!
He needs to get over this by overcoming his own insecurities and jealousy. You need to remain firm with him: make sure he understands he MUST deal with this.
You may benefit by being firm with him: insist that he gets over this. Insist that he stops talking and thinking about it. Don't indulge him when he's in one of these moods by letting him go on and on about it. Just say 'I don't want to talk about this' and hang up or walk away.
Think of him like a drug addict. Talking about your past is like taking drugs for him: he can't stop even though it's hurting both of you. In that situation what do you do when an addict tries to take more... you stop them. Same as in this situation: when he wants to dig into your past and his horrible feelings, don't let him. Change the subject, get the addict away from the thing that's hurting them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe actually got back together last tuesday we talked things out and he said he wants to try things again as well. He told me that he feels that when he thinks about it he can't physically call me or text me. I thought about it over night and on wednesday i told him all my insecurities about our relationship with the mindset , i want to lay things out and talk about it. But he didnt listen to me at all because he said he has other things on his mind aka my past. I was in tears and i just kept wanting him to just listen so we can work things out. He had to go so we stopped talking, 2-3 hours later i messaged him saying sorry for being not understanding about his situation and that i shouldnt have said it once he wakes up. He didn't reply me , I called jsut wanting things to be better but made it worse by breaking down again. We havent spoke since.. But Friday was our anniversary and he text messaged me on Friday morning saying "Happy anniversary if we're still consider to be in one. I've been thinking about you but i feel the space is good right now." I've been constantly thinking about him and not knowing what to expect..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): Antiasexual, you are judging this guy.
Yes, I really just said that. You are literally JUDGING him. He is not judging his GF, but you are judging him.
He may be breaking up with her, but she does not describe someone who is calling her slutty names or saying she is a bad person for anything. He is saying he does not want to be with her anymore for his own reasons.
You are the one calling someone names. You don't like his feelings & decisions so you have declared him to be inferior to yours. That is judging someone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy past is very typical. I've dated a few guys and we both mutually wanted a serious relationship but during the dating process it didn't work out as expected. Some sexual activities such as foreplay & only 1 out of the 3 guys i've done sexual activities with i had sex with.. i am diease free.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): Either he deals with it or he doesn't. There is no in between.
Giving it time will not fix or reduce his troubles by itself. There are lots of guys who are still just as bothered by this stuff decades after they were first aware of things. If your BF can't make real progress on dealing with it in a few weeks or months then he is not likely to ever deal with it.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (8 July 2010):
Don't even take this any further. You're now trying to change him. It won't work. Why? Because he doesn't want to change himself. He has retroactive jealously, and it's one of the biggest wastes of time that any couple has to endure. So much so, that when someone like yourself comes here and you've already tried hard, I always say leave. This guy clearly has unrealistic ideas about relationships, and has insecurity issues. There isn't a thing that you can do. He needs to break this cycle himself. And the fact is that on two occasions, he has tried and failed before breaking up with you again. He's not worth your time at all. Leave him in the past, or other guys will pass you by and in ten years time you'll be wondering what happened and why you're still alone. He needs to change for himself, and on two occasions he has decided not to.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (8 July 2010):
I don't think there is much you can do.
One key is to not enable his behaviour. So don't supply any more information, or accept any of the negative value judgements he puts on you.
Other than that you can just be as supportive as you can whilst he tries to deal with this. This is something that only he can get past, it's not really about you at all. Rather it's a normal negative emotional reaction to some unpleasant information that he's let get on top of him. With this particular problem it's easy to get sucked into a negative feedback loop where it becomes all consuming. He has to find a way to break that cycle.
I have written about this a lot on this site, if you check my post history you'll find specific tips and advice for guys on how to get over it. Perhaps you can read some and pick out a few things for him to read that he might benefit from.
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