A
female
age
30-35,
*iamondshards
writes:I don't know what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly six months and for the entire time he's struggled choosing a faculty for his university. He's torn between two- studying Philosophy and Psychology. We've talked about this a lot of times before and he's gone back and forth between them a few times during these months- but for the past month things have gotten really tough for all of us. He was always very cheerful, calm, stable and talkative, a very 'spirited' person; in February though this situation has gotten over him and now he barely speaks anymore. We spend time on the phone with me trying to get him to answer about things and him staying silent; I have really tried to help him with this, I've told him to talk to me about it, tried writing down pros and cons of each choice, suggested him to go talk to students who have studied in these fields and may help him, asked him if there was anything else I could have done, but to no avail. He agrees that this situation is not sustainable any longer {other than not being able to decide, he's changed sleeping patterns, doesn't sleep well anymore even when he does sleep, doesn't talk to his parents either as before, doesn't care about seeing his friends}, and that is determined entirely by being stuck in this academical choice {I've asked him if there were other issues, with me, with his parents, he said no}, but doesn't seem to be able to get out of this on his own. I've suggested talking it out with his parents and letting them know he's not able to do this on his own, he's told me they just tell him to do what he wishes to OR go to a therapist of some sort. I've suggested this too, as I'm really starting to fear this apathy he shows is the sign of a small depressive episode; I've been there myself, I know it's no good to pretend to be able to get out of this on your own. He seems to say that he's thought about it but doesn't know if it'd be really be useful {ironic, considering he wishes to study Psychology himself} and that it'd be more of a 'collateral' thing, rather than main. Quite frankly, I don't know what to do. I want to be by his side, I keep telling myself he will decide the faculty and then he'll be back to his normal self, but I end up getting frustrated, crying, worrying or angry every time I hear him lately. I know it's not good for him, I really try to be understanding and suggest pragmatic ways out of this rut, but the fact he shuts down everything I say and that he's shutting everyone off is wearing me down. I wish I was better at this and more understanding, and I try to be at first, but the way he just stays there silently and does nothing drives me crazy. Any suggestion is welcome. {I'd like to add he's normally a very good, caring person. Kind and gentle. I care for him a lot and I know he does too. Still I can't pretend this is not affecting us.}
View related questions:
university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (2 March 2013):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input. I fear the choice here is getting out of hand though, because yesterday he was very lethargic and apathetic {probably also due to his completely sleepless night} and cancelled our date for today stating he was too tired, tensed up and just bad company to be around. Needless to say, I'm not overly excited about this, but I'm going out without him anyway. I am really starting to worry more about the way he approaches the 'choice' {being not talkative, apathetic, can't seem to get out of the house most days} than the choice itself...I really hope it's just a phase he will snap out of, especially with the help of the psychologist he will soon see. I get the point some of you are making about Psychology being more pragmatic than Philosophy and having better employment chances, but, quite frankly, at this point I'd be excited for him to make ANY decision to get out of this rut. What I want the most is for him to be happy and serene and loving again, like he was up until February; him studying either of the two or even none, right now is not my priority nor, as Sageoldguy said, my business. I'm mostly concerned about his mental health.Fishdish, I have sometimes tried the 'hard' approach {not telling him exactly what you have, but getting angry and trying to put him in front of the cold, hard facts}, and he keeps saying I'm right, but in the past four weeks nothing has changed despite that. He said he's been feeling 'empty' and that these past weeks have gone by without him even knowing what he's done...he realizes he's making this whole thing bigger than it rationally is at least, I guess this is something.@Anonymous: I've suggested him to take both courses and see which ones he likes best but he seems to think they sort of 'negate' each other and thus wants just one. {Especially considering he's 23 already and doing both would be taking too much in at once}. I agree, but the point is he's done all the research {read books about both, textbooks included, talked to professors etc.} this fall, and now he's done with it, but I think he doesn't know how to...put it to use, you know? As if you've done all the research on a paper but are stuck writing it nonetheless.Today he was feeling better anyway and tonight he told me he was looking into the Philosophy exams; yesterday he said he had 'almost decided' for Philosophy, as he said the day before...I really hope we're close to getting out of this. Thank you everyone, I will keep you updated. I really just want for him to be back to his talkative, spirited, caring self.
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (1 March 2013):
 Have you tried a harder line approach? Sympathy may enable him to feel sorry for himself. He's being melodramatic because people are allowing him to be. Yes it's his life and yes his choice is important but if he's letting it consume him. If he ultimately doesn't like one, pursue the other. Or double major. Consider saying you're destroying your friendships and relationship with everyone, including your friends, family and me, who care about you. Is this decision more important than the people who are here to support you? Your attitude is having a negative impact on me and my mental health as I find myself crying, angry, and depressed that YOU are depressed by your options. In all honesty he should feel lucky that he is in the privileged position of being able to go to school for anything. Has he tried to talking to professors about his interests, skills, and the professional opportunities that attach to either field? I agree with Cerberus on the utility aspect of the major. It's not like when he's 40 and stabilized with his psych practice, he couldn't take philosophy classes for fun or read it on the side.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 March 2013):
 Here's an open letter to all those who are giving two-cent's-worth about your friend's decision-agony:
"Dear Worrier,
The guy who you are worrying about is old enough to make his own decisions. He must be adult to make them and live with the results of his decisions. YOU cannot make his decisions for him... and, in fact, you may well find that your unnecessary interference in his life will - ultimately - come back to haunt both him and you. Think about it: YOU influence HIS decision.... HE isn't happy with the outcome... so HE makes YOU the "bad guy" in the decision-making process...."
You know, sometimes you just have to put the chicks on the edge of the nest and push them off.... They'll figure out how to fly if they want to avoid the cat who's waiting below.....
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): First of all he needs to stop putting so much pressure on himself. Deciding on a degree subject is not the be all and end all of everything, you can easily change later or do further study. I mean I started doing an English degree, then swapped to journalism half way through and now I work in the external comms department in a Financial Services company and am studying for a marketing postgrad. So it's not as big a deal as he maybe thinks at this stage. Has he looked into doing a joint degree? That way he could try both and see what he likes better? As Cerberus said though, he should think about what kind of job he wants to do afterwards as they are very different subjects and will have different prospects. Saying that though, if he doesn't have a specific career goal in mind (one you would need specific degree training for) then Philosophy would be fine. Often companies are happy to see any degree on a CV. It shows commitment and work ethic. If it is just due to his interest in both, why not get a book on each and see what one he enjoys the most? The best way to fix this is to do as much research as possible. He needs to work out what it is about each subject that appeals to him and why too, as sometimes the idea is a lot better than the reality.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): OP the choice is easy.
A subject with practically no job prospects other than further study and academia, that's relatively easy if you like to read a lot of books and like forming abstract opinions of things but not actually having any kind of useful degree.
Or a subject that is very much a scientific one, requires a hell of a lot of retention of information but has very good career prospects afterwards.
There are no jobs in philosophy OP, I did it in first year in college. Unless his goal in life is to get a PhD and teach philosophy as a subject then it's a waste of time, it was the joke subject in our course. Done mainly by people who just wanted to do it without actually moving towards a career. because quite simply OP, you'd have to study for about 7 years to get any kind of job out of it unless he went on to do a conversion degree which is pretty slim with philosophy anyway.
My fiancée is a psychologist and she earns a 6 figure salary, has published works that are considered ground breaking, has won awards for her work and now works as a consultant on projects for the government, while doing research on a book she wants to publish.
Psychology is tough, philosophy is easy, but psych has far more opportunities to develop a career than philosophy does. You can specialize, you can convert to social care, you can become a psychiatrist, you can become a researcher, lecturer, the list goes on and you can convert a psych degree far more readily because it's such a structured subject.
If he wants a job after college he'll go for psych, if he just wants to be a student all his life he'll go for philosophy.
...............................
|
