A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I'm dating a man who likes to/ needs to "vent". This is what he calls it anyway. To me, "venting" has always meant something like calling a friend (or even talking out loud to myself in the car) and just saying what's bugging me. Just kind of getting it out. Almost all the time "venting" means that I'm not looking for an answer…just to be heard for a few minutes. My boyfriends venting goes more like this: He will call me and yell and swear (literally every 3rd or 4th word is the "f" word) about everything that comes to his mind. If someone is driving too slowly in front of him. If the line at the bank is too long. If, in his opinion, someone is not driving properly in the parking lot. If he got too many calls at work from people who are "annoying" to him. The sentences all flow together, are loud and crude, and ALWAYS are blaming in nature. The people are stupid. Other people (not him) are "sheep" that just blindly follow along with driving to work and back and to the bank and to the gym and are in his way. Why don't more people work in the middle of the night so that there is less traffic when he needs to maneuver the streets? This is truly something he has said. If he's driving 90 mph and he hits a deer and it totals his car, it is the truck drivers fault in the next lane because if he wasn't there, the deer would have been seen, thus avoiding the accident. Anyway, these calls are disturbing to me. First, because the blaming of others is uncomfortable to me. It seems he truly cannot see his part in any of this, or anything very often. But secondly, I can't (and truthfully don't want to) handle the stress it brings me. I get migraines and have migraines quite often, unfortunately. Although I deal fairly well with them, the yelling and ranting really physically hurts me. I also often feel that when he makes "bad" decisions, (like driving 90 mph, or flying through a parking lot while yelling into the phone) and something bad happens, why do I have to her about it and then be expected to say something to make him feel better? What I really want to say is "what did you expect driving like a mad man? And you're not supposed to be texting/ calling while driving anyway". But he would be furious because his girlfriend is supposed to be there to listen to him vent, sympathize and empathize and leave him feeling better. We are on the verge of a break-up and he just keeps telling me that things would have been fine in our relationship if I had been more supportive.He recently told me that he is forced to go to his friends with his "cares and concerns" (this is what he calls them), but these in my opinion are not cares and concerns. They are rants and screaming fests that I am supposed to listen to and then make him feel better. So after being forced by his uncaring and unsupportive girlfriend to go out with the boys for support, he called me three separate times to continue his vent. So now what? Apparently venting to the boys didn't help. Because according to him, all he needs is to get it out and have someone listen and be caring and supportive. He got that and still kept calling me. There is literally no room to get a word in edgewise so I just listen. When he's run out of things to rant about, I usually say something like "I'm sorry that happened. I wish there was something I could do." Is there anyone caring and supportive enough? Am I an uncaring, unsupportive girlfriend?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2014): He sounds like he has narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder. He has several characteristics of these disorders--lack of empathy and understanding for others, great internal anger and pain, seeing the world and everyone in it as revolving around him, and, possibly, exploiting others for his own gain. These venting episodes you describe sound like what's called "narcissistic rage." My advice, get out of the relationship as quickly and as carefully as you can. Breaking up with him could be dangerous so take great care in how you proceed. But getting away from him ASAP is of vital importance. If you remain with him, things will get worse quickly, and he will get even more abusive. And, in time, this man will bring you great agony and misfortune. Don't try to argue with him or "fix" him as it won't work and will probably only set off his rage.Wishing you the best of luck!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 September 2014):
 I'm sorry it's NOT your job to be his verbal punching bag when things annoy him in life.
Can't you imagine what would happened if he got into an accident while "venting" to you? Guess what it would be YOUR fault!!
The man has some serious issues. He is like a pressure cooker and you are supposed to take the heat everytime thing get hot.
It's ALL about him and his needs. He needs to vent.. HE needs someone to just listen... HE needs... I'm sorry. HE is a TOTAL Debbie Downer and frankly NO ONE can handle listening to that OVER AND OVER.
My husband suffers from PTSD and doesn't have a lot of patience, and is NOT fully in control of his emotions (especially anger) - so I WILL walk away when he gets too heated. EVEN if the anger/frustration is NOT directed at me, doesn't MEAN I HAVE to listen to it.
I deal with it because this is my husband of 17 years. He wasn't like this when we met, not even for the first 10 years - it started after a couple of deployments, a TBI (traumatic brain injury). If we had met now, I would have walked away.
His behavior will ONLY get worse. Because HE sees himself ABOVE everyone else (including you). He doesn't take responsibility for his actions and he doesn't really give a flying fart about how YOUR might feel about being yelled at for NO REASON at all. EVen his friends don't want to listen to his crap, so WHY should you? Because you are the GF you have to listen to abusive word vomit - because it's NOT directed at you, you should just listen? I'm sorry, no.
I'm sorry, I would walk away.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (13 September 2014):
 Your boyfriend sounds like a ticking bomb..counting down to go off. He needs anger management DESPERATELY. My ex husband was like this. He had no idea how to control his temper (and I don't think he wanted to). He would punch holes in walls, break windows, yell at the top of his lungs whenever things went wrong. He didnt care where he was..it could be in his car, a bowling alley, wherever..His anger eventually spilled over onto me and he started hitting me. I was only 21, but I knew it was time to get out. I divorced him.
Get out! You are not there to listen to his rants. Thats not venting what he is doing. He needs help and its not up to you to be his sounding board.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): He is over-dosing on testosterone and having a stress overload. That kind of personality is too much to bear over time. It will grind your nerves into powder. My dear lady, you get migraines??? Don't you know stress is the main trigger?!!!
He needs to find himself another type of outlet for his stress. You have to stand-up for yourself and tell him that his "venting" is too close to rage. Tell the gorilla it's scaring you! It's not all about supporting him, he has to support you too!!!
Tell him the truth woman. You could probably put your phone on the coffee table and walk all over the house, down the block, and hear his every ranting, spitting, cussing word!!! You don't have to put up with that. That will raise your blood-pressure, make you short-tempered, effect your sleeping patterns. It is far too much anger. That behavior rubs off. You'll start snapping at people and coiling to strike; instead of calming yourself with self-control. He is wearing at your very soul!
As janniepeg says, he needs anger management counseling. He also needs to find a physical activity to workout his frustrations; then yoga for the calming-effect. He needs meditation to find serenity. If he's in his 40's, the guy is a perfect candidate for a stroke. He doesn't know how to calm himself, and you don't know how to calm him; because you're too timid to even be with a guy like that. Nothing is more mismatched than a kitten and a honey badger. Google "honey badger" and watch how much they're like your boyfriend.
You need a new boyfriend. You're in your 30's, and should only be dating who's best for you by now. Think you're going to change that hot-head? Good luck!
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (13 September 2014):
I'm going to rewrite your post for you.
"What is the best way to break up with this perfectly horrible man who calls me constantly screaming and swearing and being generally unreasonable? I know that when I tell him I'm leaving him he's going to scream and swear at me".
Answer: just do it, now. And don't answer your phone when he calls.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 September 2014):
 I don't see you as uncaring at all. To listen to 'madness' for more than one or two minutes is way more than you needed to do. Once you can define aperson as a true 'flake' which this guy soundsto me he is, you are e to hang up on him saying,"Wrong number, sorry" or,'xcuse me, you have bviously mistaken me foromeone tht loves to hear a madman rant on about nohing,goodby!' then change your phone number. You're OK it's him that's crazy or going crazy. In either event watch yourself. it's gonna get much worse.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 September 2014):
 This is a time you have to be uncaring and unsupportive because he has an anger problem. Only a zen buddha can detach and not be affected by this. A buddha probably would feel compassion towards him. He sees you as his verbal punching bag. It should raise alarms in your head because if he gets angry at everything, then this is how he would treat you. All relationships hit a stressful point. No one can be supportive and caring all of the times so he is going to swear at you one day. I feel this has something to do with his upbringing, some trauma of some sort. I would not even call him boyfriend. He's too damaged or he will damage you in the future. When you see a person always getting angry at nothing, he is angry at something. You just don't know what it is and you are not his therapist trying to figure that out. He should not be dating until he has his emotional issues sorted out.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 September 2014):
 This sounds like a huge red flag of someone with an anger problem. He is quick to enrage and blames you for his short comings. He wants to break up, I say good riddance! It is not your responsibility to listen to him scream and curse in your ear and not healthy for either of you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): You have a right to be who you are, and NO, you must not listen to his ranting. He is an unhappy man with sensitive personality, people do him wrong on a constant basis. By unloading his so called problems on you he injures you not only emotionally but physically. Though he thinks that he has a right to do it, he doesn't not. He needs to hire a professional help who will lead him through a process of coping with his life, and clarify many things that are very screwed up in his mind.
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