A
female
age
36-40,
*endant
writes:I’m almost 26 and my bf is 27, his ex is 29. A little background first; his ex helped him get through University as a full time student while she took care of the expenses of their house and his fees. When they split up after 6 years of relationship they apparently had a "gentlemen’s agreement" that if she ever decided to continue her education then he'd be there for her.Now after 3 years of splitting up she has suddenly popped out of nowhere to cash on that factitious little rain check and expects him to bankroll her through University as a full time student.I am livid since my boyfriend told me all of this and I think that she is trying to take complete and utter advantage of him. It was one thing with whatever happened when they were together but now for her to expect something like this from him, especially when she knows that he's in a committed relationship, is unbelievably selfish and incredibly egotistical. This is our life now, our financial resources which should be spent on our home and future. How dare she thinks she can come out here and do this? I cannot believe her audacity to emotionally blackmail him like this. And the worst part is that my boyfriend is willing! He thinks that because they had a commitment of this nature when parting ways so he is morally bound by it somehow.I cannot believe that this is happening to me and I have had many a fights with him over this nonsense issue but he thinks that he can afford it financially without too much difficulty and that he is morally indebted to her because his career has been greatly shaped by the degree that she essentially paid for, so he won't be able look at himself in the mirror if he refused her. He simply cannot see that she is clearly emotionally blackmailing him by twisting his words. Whatever happened in the past should remain in the past, now we have a future that he should look ahead to. He cannot get bogged down by baggage like this.This is making me go crazy and I don't know how the hell to deal with it. We’ve been together for a little over 2 years and he’s such a great guy and we love each other so much. We’ve been thinking of settling down for some time now and I've invested too much on this relationship to just let it go over some scheming ex girlfriend's emotional blackmailing. Surely this is an unacceptable situation? What do I do? Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2014): Your bf is a very decent, and noble young man.
You on the other hand, are like the scores of other people on earth who are just selfish and out for herself. can you not see that without this woman he wouldn't have the lifestyle that you two have. something tells me you wouldn't have got with him, if he was poor.
I hope he stands by his decision to support her, and goes one step further and kicks you to the curb
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 September 2014):
 I get perfectly what YouWish says- I think the difficulty here is that we are trying to figure this situation out under the legal, or business, or commercial angle- when it is a gentleman's agreement, so the only rules which apply, intelligent or not, popular or not, are those that the two parties have proposed / agreed to respect.
Yes, of course it makes sense that she only gets what she has actually paid for. If it was 4000 a year ,say, in ( partial ) cost of tuition, applications fees and books , that will make 4000 X 4 ( or, the numbers of years the arrangement lasted ). If she paid ten times that, 40000 a year, that would be instead 40000 X 4 . Adjusted to inflation rate and current cost of life .
As a matter of fact, I don't know but I am guessing that's probably all she is asking for, the equivalent of what she spent . Because it sounds logical and reasonable.
BUT, if they have made a less logical and less reasonable pact - if he is not a big pimp , he's bound to respect it.
I think it is improbable, to say the least , that she paid for two years of " refrigerator college " ( that's a quote for the fans of " Friends " : do you remember Phoebe's brother, whose ambition was to attend a college for refrigeration technicians ? ) and now in exchange she wants him to pay for a Yale or Columbia education. But, in the improbable case this is what he committed himself to do , without anybody pointing a gun at him... " an education for an education " , her choice- that's still what he would be honour bound to do.
Law is tricky ,smart and sophisticated - honour is straight and simple : you do what you said you would do.
Just yesterday I saw again a great movie ,
" Nashville " ( 1975 ) by Robert Altman . There's a great line in it : " You know what's wrong with this country ? what's wrong with this country is, that, out of 585 congressmen, 288 are LAWYERS " ! :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 September 2014):
 I actually LIKE being disagreed with, Cindy. ;)
I want to point out what most people here are missing, and it is a US thing:
Unless she is a rich person, she didn't pay his college tuition. AND, living circumstances often change the amount and type of tuition paid. We have the FAFSA here, which allows for tuition assistance based on economic conditions.
If he lived with her and didn't have a job, that's almost a lock for federal and state grants for education. I don't know her living conditions now, but there is a LOT more to this than college.
She paid for his living expenses (rent, food, etc.) while he went to college. They were together. The real deal is that this guy must be willing to have his ex MOVE IN WITH HIM while he has a new girlfriend. Also, if she's making a lot of money, he may have to pay a much higher amount, like 10x the amount for tuition she possibly paid.
I don't know of any girl who would put up with her boyfriend moving his ex into the house he shares with his girlfriend (who is paying half the expenses) so that she can go to school full time. THAT is what she really paid when they were both working toward life together.
If she was wanting to return to school full-time and couldn't afford it without him, she could fill out a FAFSA for grants, but what about the living expenses that nobody tracks? You can see where this isn't so cut and dry??
This is why people who are unmarried should not and must not mix finances. Ever. When the breakup happens, people start crying foul and want to start collecting on past favors, gifts, or investments made in contemplation of their life together.
Raise your hand if you think it's this guy's moral obligation to move his ex under the same roof as his current girlfriend, making her support the ex's living costs so she can drop work and go to school full time. If I were this guy's girlfriend, this would be the point where I would call this "debt" a dealbreaker. After 3 years, why isn't she with another guy.
I think the ex wants the guy back. This isn't about college. This is about her partner insurance, knowing that she can snap her fingers and get him back because morality can be sorely abused.
This isn't cut and dry by a long shot. Has there been a ledger pointing out what she spent in living expenses, that no judge would ever pay attention to? What about barter for these things, like services (his going shopping, cooking, cleaning, making her life easier by non-monetary reciprocation)?? What is the ACTUAL cost of tuition she paid for him?? Does he account for the skyrocketing tuition costs? Did he go to a private or public college?
9 years ago, the average tuition was $16,510 per year. Now, it's approaching $40,000 per year. Not even close.
If she paid his TUITION costs, including application and books, his obligation should be to repay her EXACTLY what she paid for it. No living costs, no hyperinflated 4-year education at today's dollars, over twice what she paid, and if we go legal, today's APR
She wanted him to live with her because it was easier and it benefited her. She got the value of what she wanted. He does not owe her that.
To satisfy full moral integrity, he should treat what she paid in TUITION and books and application fees alone as a STUDENT loan, adding the average APR of 9.5%. I'm betting anything most of his tuition was in grants.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 September 2014):
This is one of the very very very few times I disagree with YouWish- I think she is raising a moot point. I have no doubt that she is correct from a legal point of view, and I think that we all recognized already that , legally, the other girl does not have a leg to stand on.
But I also think that we all know how some times law and ethics divorce , and not too amicably.
There's no statute of limitations on moral obligations willingly contracted by a sound of mind adult. " If ever " means " if EVER "- any time. Plus, the obligation he subjected himself is not THAT old, it goes back 3 years, to the break up- not to the beginning , or the course of their relationship.
Since, when they split up the guy did not have the money to repay her in toto ( otherwise, why not just paying her back there and then ? ) she may have generously thought, or they may have commonly agreed, that he needed some time to build himself up financially and careerwise, so she graciously accepted to delay the issue till a later , more appropriate time. And that's what she gets for being patient ? " Sorry, statute of limitation " ? .. A man's honour has no expiration date.
And, suppose she had supported him economically , on the assumption , and on the premise, that they were going to end up together : that's even WORSE ! She does not get the guy, and does not get HER money either ?! How's that fair ?...
The money issue has clearly been discussed between those two at the time of splitting, and ( I am guessing, but it's a reasonable guess ) SHE might have raised the point, being that she was the one ending up both without the relational results she had hoped for initially AND without her money ( and in this light , it is not that relevant who initiated the break up ). The bf agreed to pay back his dues ( as it is normal and reasonable, I'd say, since we are not really talking about a couple of dinners or a couple of Xmas gifts, " hey it's all in the past , who's keeping tabs " ). I think a decent man would consider them its dues for the simple fact of ACCEPTING that kind of conspicuous help. Something like that , just does not go away on its own - unless you are a professional gigolo. True, she knew there was a risk they may not end up together - and so did he, so he knew that there was the risk of having to give back what he got in cold cash, and not just in marital affections.
The OP is only human and I understand she is annoyed and frustrated , and worried about finances. But if I were her , I would be MUCH more worried if the guy decided to NOT pay back her ex and NOT keep his word. It would mean that I am dating a callous, self serving moocher, who changes his mind as it best suits his interest. And a man for whom " I promise you... " means nothing. Frankly, I would be scared s... less at the thought of building a future with a man like that ; what if something changes, and it's easier and more convenient for him to give ME the shaft ( in whichever area that may apply ) ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2014): I don't know how you can call it emotional blackmail. There was an agreement made between them, though long time ago, and probably by law it won't have any meaning and validation now, but in his mind this agreement has no expiration date. He is a rare find, your boyfriend, a decent man. She is asking for his help, and really it's just a pay back. ESPECIALLY if he says he can afford it. So, you ll have a little less. Though I do understand your frustration, but you realy will need to come to terms with his decision and respect it. You have a great man here, and it will reflect on you and your children with him in a future.,
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2014): You do have a man of principles and integrity in your life- hold on to him!
He earns what he earns today BECAUSE this woman selflessly invested in his education. The decent thing would be to pay the equivalent amount adjusted to the inflation rate plus a little extra to say thank you.
This woman worked her ass off so that he could have this lifestyle today. He promised to return the favour.
Stay out of it because it is a noble agreement. Both your boyfriend and his ex are incredibly generous and trustworthy. You are being mean spirited.
Let him pay or let him go. He's doing a good thing.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 September 2014):
Uhhhh.... Am I missing something here?
If it wasn't for her, he wouldn't be in a position to have this extra money "for your future" in the first place, right?
They had an agreement. He admits that. So by expecting him to honor the agreement that he made she's "emotionally blackmailing" him?
Your jealousy and selfishness is apparent,luckily you're with someone with some integrity who will do the right thing.
if after reading these comments you don't "get it" then you should just accept the fact that you don't understand and let him do it without giving him a headache. You'll only hurt your relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 September 2014):
I need to play devil's advocate here, because morally, I see the logic in the other aunts' arguments, and no matter what, your boyfriend is a guy of integrity.
This is a grayer area than you might think, and it's the very reason WHY finances should never be dispensed in a relationship.
The real reason she paid for him when they were together was because it was in contemplation of their life together. She has not gotten into a university, and all debts..guess what? Even if this were a real one, it has a STATUTE of LIMITATIONS. However, it's not if there was not some loan on paper with a signature.
She did what she did because of their life together, not because it was a "you do me, I do you" scenario. In the eyes of the law, it would look like she gave that money as a gift, not a loan. Sounds like when they broke up, she had words with him about this. Why did they break up?? My opinion would also weigh on this. If they broke up because someone moved away or an amicable reason, I could see more of a moral footing, but if say he cheated on her, or if she cheated or decided she was no longer interested in the relationship, I find it a bit more gray.
No one can hold anyone to this "gentleman's agreement" if it is not in writing, and if she goes legal on him, does he owe her more than she's paid? What if he went to some community college or 2-year trade school which she paid for, and then she decided to go get a Harvard Master's Degree? Come on. It's ambiguous...if it's a loan, all he owes is what SHE paid. The rest is way too interpretive.
As far as loans go, here are the statute of limitations on them:
http://www.creditinfocenter.com/rebuild/statutelimitations.shtml
In almost all states, such oral agreements are not enforceable based on the statute of limitations. In fact, many debt organizations take advantage of the person's ignorance of the law to capitalize on debt that the statute of limitations indemnifies them.
That law is to protect citizens from things like this. The thing happened 9 years ago. She has had more than enough time in their relationship to go to college. She can't imprison him to this after nearly a decade and they are no longer together. It would be different if the moment he graduated, he took off on her. This isn't the case. They were together 6 years. This is 3 years after the breakup..9 years total. It's always from the inception of the date, not the moment they break up and she says..oh, it's now a debt.
She could have stayed with him. She chose not to. He is not bound by the law or by morality to do this. I know I go against the grain on this, but if you consult a lawyer, he or she would be on your side on this one.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 September 2014):
 I'm guessing that you've figured out that SHE (the "ex-") is really "Number one".... and you are an accessory for him......
That means, of course, that YOU have no recourse... and your only choice is to either: Go along with it, or, dump him.....
My vote: Dump him.....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): STOP!!! Just stop! Your jealousy and resentment is blinding you, and you've gone completely out of your mind! Just stop it!!!
Perhaps this is going to be a lesson to you of what real appreciation and gratitude is. All you see is your boyfriend and his ex having a continued line of communication and contact. Some sordid relationship connected through blackmail. Through all your tirade, you fail to see the sacrifice that was made in her life, to do something that paid-off for him. I don't care what anyone else says, or how they disagree with me. HE OWES HER A LOT!
It was a business-agreement. It was up to her to decide when to cash it in. She gave him a head-start on his future; regardless of how their relationship ended. Up to now, she didn't do a damned thing to bother him while he continued with his life. He doesn't feel it was too much to ask. If it angers and bothers you so much? You know where the door is.
You don't have to put up with it. You shouldn't put yourself through any inconvenience; because all this occurred before you were in the picture. Be glad it's not some kid she never told him about.
This isn't a post about a boyfriend who is still infatuated with his ex-girlfriend. This is not a complaint about playing second-fiddle to another woman in his life. This is not a story about cheating. You didn't find secret love messages on his cell phone to his ex.
This is a about a guy who owes a debt to someone who put their freaking life and dreams on hold to give him something so big; he really couldn't repay it. She opened his future! By doing so, she opened the way to finding you!
Gosh, girlfriend!!! I know it just seems like a lot to take in. However; if you were only to place yourself in her shoes. You need some help, where do you turn first? Someone who owes you something! He agreed to it.
Oh, I know you're not the girl to let anyone dupe you out of anything. Look at the passion in your writing. Well, she is just as determined to see their agreement through; as you are adamant to derail it. Calm your exasperated nerves and adjust your skirt. Take a deep breath.
You've expressed your feelings and emotions, now use your logic. Emotions aside, now take a more intellectual approach to this situation. You're an intelligent and educated woman. You can do this.
It's tough to swallow, but not if you see it in the proper context. You have a boyfriend who has integrity, he realizes the magnitude of her sacrifice to help him, and he has the generosity to make personal-sacrifice in repayment of a debt, that meant more than just the money. She believed in him. It was part of his inspiration to succeed.
It's not to be understood by those outside; just between the two of them. He knew it was coming. You didn't. Thus your shock! Your surprise and total disgust are justified; but not totally correct.
In all honesty, I give you a lot of credit. You know how to pick them. You just don't understand this particular issue which is most unusual. He owes her a debt of gratitude. It goes beyond that. He also owes her financial-assistance through the same predicament he once faced. He is willing to fulfill it; because it isn't painful.
Like his business-manager and as his partner; you will act as his guiding-force and council of reason. She will not get over on him. I don't think that was, or is, her intention. She didn't have to do what she did. She isn't that kind of person. Even if she is, they made a pact.
If you'll allow yourself to, see it as any other financial obligation or transaction. He can set the terms, and he really should consider your feelings about it. It isn't a typical situation to arise in a relationship that isn't a marriage. That fact in itself, really takes quite a bit of your personal-involvement and say out of it. Not to say it won't cause some delays. Whether this delays your plans as a couple? I think that might be a little conjecture on your part, considering you're not engaged; and really have no idea when he planned to pop the question. Or, if he ever really will. Keep it up the childish-commotion, and he probably wont!
I don't think you fully appreciate her side. If you can unleash yourself from your prejudices and jealousy for a hot-minute. You will see the method to her madness. HER PLANS WERE DELAYED!!! She decided his needs came before hers. She was smart enough to say: "Okay, I'll put everything on hold to allow you to go first." Oh-oh! There is an unpredicted interruption in plans. The relationship ends.
His obligation to her didn't end there. It was not just a favor. It cost her time, money, and postponed her dreams. She was wise enough to cash-in, whether you like it or not. Most ass-hats would say "thanks a lot sucker, see yah later!!! That is not the kind of man you chose for yourself. Vindictiveness would say, "well we broke up; so the deal is null and void!"
Girl, you better wise-up!!!
If this just doesn't sit well with you, your options are readily available to you. If you continue to throw tantrums and/or leave; you may be passing up one of the best choices you've made in your life. That is, if your bail-out is based on jealousy, insecurity, and selfishness.
I'm not going to self-righteously sit-back on my haughty-taughty laurels; and say you have to put-up or shut-up. I'm not talking to a fool. With all due respect; please accept my humble apology. I have to come on hard to drive a point.
I just don't want you to let anger and jealousy break up two young and happy people over an obligation that should be righteously fulfilled. He is morally indebted to her, but he doesn't feel it is too much to pay for the outcome it has offered him.
His future and YOU!! Had the chain of events in his life not happened. He may have never met you! I think that is how he sees it. Please rethink this and try to understand.
You have my permission to slap me back-handed, if I'm wrong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): Hmmm...tricky this. Just adding here that at 22 I started Uni and have managed to hold down two jobs (that together equal way more than one persons full time job) and having almost completed my degree look set to graduate with a first.So technically -does she really need the help? No. Because if I can get through without any support (other than from the uk's student finance, which everyone under about 65 is entitled to) then any one can. What shows is that your bf is actually a really decent guy. Yes it might be really hurtful that he is about to fork out a ton of money on another woman but she did help him. They agreed he would help her out- maybe he could negotiate now that he doesn't fund everything and she will have to work - but he will give a one off payment to help her? Who knows, rather than argue you need to sit and talk it over x
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): I have to agree with your boyfriend and particularly with Honeypie. As long as your boyfriend can afford it and he does not then have to live off you then it is the decent thing to do. He made a contract with her and now she is calling it in. If it was in the divorce courts the fact that she contributed to his studies which effectively made him what he is today would be taken into consideration and she would be awarded maintenance on that point.I can tell you are very very angry but this was agreed before you came on the scene and it shows that you are with a really decent guy who is honest and trustworthy which counts for a lot. If he can afford it and it does not impact on you financially in any way let him do it and do it with good grace. The more fuss you make the more he will begin to not like you. Men do not like women who are not kind and say bad things about other women whatever the circumstances and I speak from a great deal of personal experience on that matter.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 September 2014):
 I am with your BF too.
What she DID for him was major. YES, they were a couple so it made sense, but even people who DATE don't HAVE to do what she did.
I don't see any emotional blackmail. I see an agreement made by two people who HAPPENED to be dating at the time and are no longer dating.
If the EX had been a MALE friend, would it be different? I bet you it would in your head at least.
Can your BF afford it? Or would it mean YOU now have to pay for everything so SHE can get her education? If he CAN afford it, I think he should HONOR his agreement. If he can't afford and would have to live of you, then he would OBVIOUSLY have postpone helping her. Because it is NOT fair for YOU to carry the financial burden of HIS agreement.
You BF is a stellar guy.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 September 2014):
 I think she helped him before under the premise that they would be long term. If they got married then their finances would be shared and all debts would be forgotten since it would be their money. I don't necessarily see what she is doing as blackmailing. You would see it as vindictive but as I see it, she is reminding him that if he has money to date someone else, he has money to repay her.
For the sake of the relationship I would not look at her as enemy, rather she was a friend, or even a bank that loaned him and now he has to pay back. There is nothing you can do to change your boyfriend's mind since he feels indebted to her. It is now between him and her. Without her help, he would not be where he is today in his career so no one can say the past is the past.
She should not be giving out money when she wasn't a millionaire. He should not be dating others before his finances were sorted out. What's done is done. If your love is strong then you can get through this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 September 2014):
Call me crazy, but I see perfectly your bf's point and in fact I commend him for being an upright gentleman that can keep his word and committments even without being pressured to that by a lawyer / furious in-laws / a mafia hitman :) etc.
He made a committment, and now he respects his committment. Even in lack of a written contract. He could easily weasel out of this saying " verbal agrements aren't worth the paper they are written on :) "- but his conscience won't let him.
Great guy . A true mensch.
I don't see what's so wrong in keeping a promise . She put him through college and helped him with bills when he could not afford it ( and that ,will have costed a pretty penny !) - , on condition that when and if she was going to need it, he was going to do the same for her. Now the time has come, and he can afford it, and if he can afford is BECAUSE she shelled out the money for him way back then - as for me, I don't see how a DECENT person could get out of this.
The fact that, subsequently to him accepting her money, then he got a gf and new obligations, and new future plans etc. is irrelevant, because when he accepted the money he contracted a DEBT. It was ( bizarrely enough, true ) up to the creditor ( the ex ) decide if and when this debt had to be repaid . Now the time has come, and your bf is simply sticking to the conditions of the loan ( loan - it was not a gift ).
Would you sing the same tune if she had in her pocket some IOU with your bf's signature on ?... Obviously not.
Do you feel , then, it's right to penalize this woman just because she was guileless and had blind trust in your bf ?...
Well- rhetoric question, apparently you DO feel that it is right to penalize her for that. But I think that ethically speaking, the point is very, very ,VERY debatable ( and your bf feels the same ).
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 September 2014):
 Sorry I have to agree with your boyfriend here. She spent A LOT of money helping him out through college on the assumption he'd return the favor. No doubt putting a huge damper on HER future plans by losing out on a large amount of money. I don't really see how it's blackmailing him to ask him to hold up his end of a promise he made to her.
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