A
female
age
30-35,
*enizli
writes:Hi everyone.This is my situation...I've been dating this guy 'L' for almost 10 months, we've been friends for two years and I'm very in love with him.He says he loves me and I believe it because he has proven me he does love me. Our relationship, um I can say it's unique, I've never known of any relationship as good as ours, we're so attached we see each other for several hours everyday and we really enjoy that, I tell him everything and he apparently tells me everything too. I really like what we have, it seems all so perfect or it was until last summer when he 'accidentally' called me fat and said I was ugly, he even laughed at it afterwards... I have to add the fact I've had some eating disorders in the past and thank God I could leave that in the past, and he knew about this. Even though he says he didn't mean what he said, it hurt me really much, it changed everything in our relationship. I don't feel the same way about him, I feel like he doesn't find me attractive. He has apologized to me about this many times but the thought in my head is still there.. I feel like he's not attracted to me and he's never been.I feel like totally out of self confidence when I'm with him and when he says I'm beautiful or stuff like that I feel like he's making fun of me.When this happened, I was about to break up with him but I love him so much and I didn't. I tried my best not to fall again into that bulimia circle again and I could make it but now this bad experience is affecting negatively my relationship, I don't think he likes me physically it makes me really scared of having these thoughts for the rest of our relationship.I feel confident when I'm with other men, it only happens when I'm with him, I even feel I'm attractive to them, my ex boyfriend (who I talk to regularly) tells me he thinks I'm hot and he says my boyfriend doesn't realize what he's got, he thinks my boyfriend is abusing me but I don't think it's that bad since it's been just once he's called me fat.Anyways, since this thing happened me and my guy argue more often and I feel like I'm not good enough for him, I think that calling a bulimic 'FAT' is the meanest thing someone could do. I really want to be able to forget this and also want things to be like they used to, I want to believe he thinks I'm pretty, I wanna believe his compliments are real.Can anyone give me any advice on this? Please help me, I really want to keep my boyfriend, I love him like I never loved anyone before. :( I wanna do something about this before it's too late.Thanks in advance!
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female
reader, Denizli +, writes (28 December 2010):
Denizli is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone! I made up my mind, I decided to stick with him because I love him and I don't think this is a good reason to end the most wonderful relationship I've had so far. This will just make us stronger, I believe that.
I talked to him about this and he promised me this won't happen again and also he said he would help me rebuild my self confidence.
May God bless you all, happy new year!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): you love him right? Then y dont u talk with him open hearted. Its usual bf saying this kinda stuff. My bf calls me fat although im not that fat, but i dont take it serious and he dont mean it seriously. So.....your bf 2 doesnt mean it that serious as he had told you he didnt mean it. Keep your relationship safe and feel free 2 talk with him. Dont feel insecure for just silly things. oK. Good luck. Wish u both hapy life
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 I agree with the posters who said to let him read this, and all of the answers too, should shock him into realising exactly what his 'joking around' has done to you!!! I'm a massive believer in second chances, and you need to start building up your confidence.
Maybe try a new hair colour, buy a nail polish in a colour you wouldn't normally wear. Have a night of pampering, have a soak in the bath, do your hair and make up, paint your nails and put on something nice. This always makes me feel better if i'm feeling down at all.
I hope things can work out for you both, 3 years is alot of time to just throw away...
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A
female
reader, GG96  +, writes (27 December 2010):
Your boyfriend is really rude. What boyfriend (joking or not) would say that to his girlfriend? You need to sit him down and explain everything. From the bulimia to how you feel to how you feel more confident around other guys. And maybe some therapy would help too. Just a few sessions to help you get back your confidence.
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A
female
reader, needlesandpinsuh +, writes (27 December 2010):
People can be a bit thick- headed and lack social delicacy. He was being honest. Very bluntly so... he of course should have considered your feeling before commenting... perhaps you could tell us more about the context in which he said it and his exact quote? He could have been being cruel or he could have been trying to be helpful or he could have been a lot of different things. I am unsure how to judge your reaction as I am unsure of the motive behind his words... was he merely... making an observation to fill silence? Was he telling you to lose some weight? I'm not sure from your post.Don't knock the your ex- boyfriend says.. if he told it to your face, you'd probably be able to know if his comments were genuine. He knows you're attached. Maybe he just cares about your feelings and wanted to show you a different perspective. He isn't trying to get back with you, necessarily. Don't let suspicion ruin the peace of mind his words brought you.I'm glad you feel attractive around people besides your boyfriend. That shows you've made great progress with your eating disorder, if low self- esteem was a root cause of it.I think if your boyfriend, accidentally or not, continues to hurt your pride in similar ways as you've described, it is a marker of his personality (perhaps too blunt for you) or his interests/character/whathaveyou in general; (perhaps too idealizing of a certain female image, perhaps disinterested, perhaps cruel)... but if he seems to be open to changing a bit his idea of banter or small talk or whateveritwas to take into more consideration your feelings, it shows he cares and does not wish to hurt you or remind you negatively of your past. You don't need to "sit him down" and make yourself look dramatic and touchy... he probably already gets that this is unavoidably a soft spot with you.Don't take immature action like turning 'round and picking apart or dreaming up flaws on His physical self.. or focusing on negatives in any way. Don't pointedly stir conflict or aggression, even in your own head. You've been together for a reason and you can move past this little (unknowing?) slip.
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A
female
reader, jacinta  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 I agree wit all of the above,he should not have degraded u like that,it has completely ruined ur confidence in the relationship.get rid of him.u deserve way better!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): You may have known this guy for nearly three years but as you are learning, you never realy know someone till you are in a relationship with them. He used your weakness against you, he knew how much it would hurt you and that is why he said it to you. I personally believe this is a slow burn and he will become more verbally abusieve. You can stay and if he says it again then leave? but it is up too you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Your boyfriends remarks were horrendously stupid. Not trying to make excuses for him but maybe he doesnt fully understand what your eating disorder is really like. I say eating disorder in the present thenth because it will be so easy for you to slip back into that cycle if you arent very careful.
Ditching your boyfriend might not be an option. If you already feel bad about yourself, dumping him might make you feel ten times worse. So it might not be a good idea. You could try counselling as a couple. It could help both of you and get your thoughts organized in a more positive way, regarding the eating disorder.
It is your problem and you need to own it and find a way forward so that whenever ANYONE makes a 'wrong' remark to you, you arent on a slingshot back to the way you used to feel about yourself. Your boyfriends remarks served to highlight the fact that you still need a little help to overcome your past disorder.
Relying on your self esteem by using a few peoples posititve comments and hoping no one will ever make a negative remark to you about size, weight ect.... wont work. As you are discovering. So seek some help and take that man of yours along with you. Hes needs educating about Bulimia pronto.
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Really its not uncommon for a guy to say that. they can be immature and say things without realizing the extent it would hurt. do you honestly think he was thinking of your past when he said it. you need to sit him down and explain that you have sumthing to tell him, and you dont need him to say sorry just yet, you need him to listen. Tell him what you just told us. exactly, read it to him if you have to. then let him convince you. he wouldnt b with you if he didnt love you. I reazlize this has made you feel insecure. But I doubt he is perfect. IT may sound weird, but think about all his flaws. I know you love him, but maybe he can be boring or he dresses weird. Whatever it is, you both have flaws so dont think he is tooo good 4 u
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 December 2010):
I'm with Youwish's post.
The bulimia and eating disorders are serious. Now, I know you've left them in the past, which is something you should be very proud of, but the trick to ensure that you continue to leave it in the past is to ensure that you never set yourself up again for it.
Think of a drug addict. They take drugs, then they want to give up so they get help. When they do give up, they go through counselling and are effectively told to give up anything that might tempt them back to their old life, including friends.
The same advice applies to you here. You've gone through eating disorders, and your boyfriend has ruthlessly used them against you. Now all those thoughts are creeping back, and if you don't deal with the problem, you might slip back into your old ways.
The only way for you to realistically deal with the problem is to end the relationship. I'm sure you do love this guy, but would a guy who loved you that much really use your eating disorders against you so cruelly? I don't think so. And even if you hadn't had those disorders, it would take an unkind man to call you fat an ugly. I personally think you can do a lot better than this boyfriend. He seems cruel, and the thing about someone like him is he will do it again.
As for your ex, he's an ex for a reason, so be wary of his motives too.
You seem to be surrounding yourself with unreliable people. Don't do that. Get rid of this boyfriend and focus on your own confidence again. You'll meet a better guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): From a male perspective, ignore your ex. Exes can be detrimental to your existing relationships. He's said what he said, for whatever reason, and probably had no idea whatsoever of the power behind those words. Even if you explained it to him, it probably still wouldn't sink in. Sit him down and be completely honest and serious about it - tell him about the eating disorders and tell him that being fat is your biggest insecurity. I would absolutely let him read your agony aunt message. It may give him the shock he needs to understand how much a few words can affect people.
Another thing - what do you want him to do? How can he fix this? If what you're looking for is for him to tell you that he understands how you feel, tell him that's what you want. Most guys (myself included) need this spelt out.
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A
female
reader, zombiegurl007 +, writes (27 December 2010):
Yo forget about this guy. He has no buisness saying stuff like even after u told about your eating disorder. For real even if he says he was joking , that's very mean and hurtful. Drop hiss ass like some hot pockets and move on. Plenty of fish in the sea
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 December 2010):
 There are three things happening here.
1. You need to speak to a someone about your weight/bulemia self-appearance issues, or you will be a landmine for any comments, both intentional and unintentional. It's obvious that you must address this issue, or it could affect all of your relationships.
2. There's a reason why your ex is your ex. He most likely means well, but his status as an ex and his possible intentions of getting back together with you make him not unbiased.
3. Your current boyfriend is unbelievably immature if he can joke about your weight or appearance after knowing what you've struggled through. Obviously, being with him is causing you much pain, and maybe you should break up with him until you can get help for your appearance issues, or this could cycle up again. Also, being with someone should not make you feel awful. It should make you feel good about yourself and being who you are.
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