A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone.Ive recently split up with my boyfriend of 4 years, we met at university and practically lived together since, as relationships go we've had out ups and downs. I'm very close to my mum, my dad died when i was 4 so i have just grown up with my mum and grandparents. When she met my boyfriend 4 years ago she wasn't that nice to him but over the past 4 years they have got along really well. they have had big arguments and my mum can lose it and shout and swear which isnt that nice but they always make up and then its fine. My boyfriend can be quite pushy which for my mum is quite hard to deal with as she brought me up by herself so she finds it hard being told what to do by a 22 year old which is fair enough. They had an argument a few weeks ago while i was at work which led to them swearing at each other and shouting - neither backs down because both think they are right. When i came home i told them they need to sort it out and i tried to mediate throughout the argument neither of them was right neither of them was wrong i couldnt take a side beauce i love them both. My boyfriend said sorry eventually, then when it was just him and me in the evening he started complaining that he had gone against his true feelings by saying sorry and he didnt mean it and he reminded me that he said the next time he and my mum had an argument he would leave me (i cant remember him saying that last time) and that i should have stood up for him and he doesn't deserve to be treated by my mum this way ect i said i was sorry to him but i cant take a side because neither of you were right or wrong. We went to bed that night and woke up the next morning everything seemed to be fine between him and me. It was fine for a few weeks and i thought nothing of it. then 3 weeks after the argument we went out for dinner which we do a lot and he said 'im going to move out for a month' when i asked why he said 'you dont support me in my business, you take me for granted, you dont support me with your mum' i tried to reason with him but he had already made up his mind and it came as quite a shock. 2 days later he was moved back in to his parents and i was left on my own in the flat. After a week i thought i cant wait for a month to see if hes made up his mind if he wants to be with me or not so i suggested we meet up 2 weeks into the month which he agreed to. We met in the park, i said sorry for the things where i thought i hadnt supported him and taken him for granted and he just said the main reason is my mum. I again said im sorry i know she shouldnt shout but you shouldnt shout back either and im not taking sides then he said 'fine its just not going to work between us. if i asked you who came first in your life you would always say your mum.' I dont think thats fair. i love both of them and it feels like hes making me choose. he then ended the argument saying 'your mums won' we parted ways again and he just said he doesnt want his children growing up in a hostile environment with him and my mum and he said he would pick up the rest of his stuff and that's it its over. I cant believe hes chucking 4 years away over an argument he argues with his parents too. Ive told my mum all this she feels so guilty that its her fault and in a way it is but also its not. Shes annoyed that hes blaming it on her and hes refusing to talk to her, shes written him a card saying how sorry she is but it does take 2 to have an argument.What do you think? X
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): Sound familiar I respected my mom and ex husband both wanted to fight for my love and money. I was Michael Vick in this situation letting other things cause them to fight and I was the cause. Im like you I cant choose sides then but now Im divorced and mom is not really communicating either way. I want positive people around an I dont want to be codependant on either of them. I would give my mom more respect cause she gave me life and actually wants best for me I suppose. She didn't want my husband using me. So family over significant other can be serious like the reality shows.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): He should not be telling your mother how to do anything. It's not his business.
An easy way to avoid this happening in the future is to not live together... All three people lose.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 December 2013):
I must admit, that if I hadn't seen the comment "My boyfriend can be quite pushy", I would have been more concerned about your mother's behavior. As it is, I think that whilst both have behaved badly, your boyfriend is trying to manipulate you into choosing, and that's not good enough. Your mother never tried to make you choose. So, I would say that it's best to let this guy go and find someone else who at the very least isn't going to shout and scream at your mother in her own home.
However, there is another point. I stress this point, because I lived in a household where my own mother has constantly been second best to my father's mother. Your mother's behaviour was unacceptable towards him. She was shouting and swearing as well, and that's no good. With a future boyfriend, you must watch her behaviour, because if she suddenly starts shouting and screaming at him, and other future boyfriends, then perhaps she is the problem. Whilst you mustn't let a boyfriend dictate or make you choose, you must equally ensure that you don't unwittingly allow your mother to sabotage relationships and pick off boyfriends.
So, for now, let this now ex boyfriend go. He wasn't the one, and his behaviour towards your mother was bad, and he was becoming manipulative. But, for future reference, watch your mother's behaviour towards boyfriends. She can't be shouting and swearing at them and treating them badly.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 December 2013):
 Yeah, that comment irked me as well.
OP, I suspect if your father were still alive your boyfriend wouldn't be quite so pushy in your parent's house. What fountain of wisdom is he drawing from when confronting your mother, twice his age, in her own home? What does he think he knows that she doesn't?
And this mealy mouthed 'nobody's right and nobody's wrong' nonsense is just that. Nonsense. Someone is right and someone is wrong, and that would be your mum and your boyfriend respectively.
He was way out of line being pushy with her and the way you describe it, your mum's assertiveness is just an unfortunate by-product of having to raise a family on her own. If your mum's assertive then good for her and she should be that way whether she's had a difficult life or an easy one. She doesn't need an excuse to be strong.
For the love of God, please tell her to stop trying to fix this. She's only weakening her position. Your boyfriend is a controlling and foolish young man and he is owed no apology. Offering them only validates his bad behaviour.
OP, you can afford to do without him. He's caused tension between you and your mum and he's pressured you into choosing him over her. Considering she is the only parent you have, that is pretty callous.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 December 2013):
 He is trying to manipulate you into choosing him over your mum.
It does take two to make an argument, and let me tell you this comment:
"My boyfriend can be quite pushy which for my mum is quite hard to deal with as she brought me up by herself so she finds it hard being told what to do by a 22 year old"
had my hackles rising, does this 22 year old really think he can tell your mother what to do? Where is his respect for her? Does he have any?
It seems to me you are the only adult in your relationship, your twerp of a boyfriend is punishing you because hurting you is the only way he can get back at your mother.
Let him pick up the rest of his stuff, make sure he pays half of any outstanding bills as well.
If you stuck with him you would be forever fighting over him trying to control you and your relationship with your mother and he would do his utmost to ensure any children had no chance of a relationship with their grandmother.
Your mother is right to be annoyed he is placing the blame for his bad behaviour at her feet.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): I was at the receiving end of being in the middle of a gf and her mum and it was the most awful experience of my life. I am now very careful about who I have a relationship with as I am not getting into that situation again. I don't think he expected you to choose between him and your mum because I said the exact same line "if i asked you who came first in your life you would always say your mum" the reason I said this was because my gf would never stick up for me and her mum would rip me to shreds over nothing as she was quite lonely and even accused me of trying to take her daughter away from her. My gf never stood up to her mum for me and just bowed down to everything she said , my gf even said to me that if I say anything bad to her mum she would leave me so I ended up staying quiet till I physically could not tolerate it anymore, I understand the mother daughter bond thing and I respect it, that said a mother should have the respect to let their daughter live life, we split up 2 years ago not spoke to her since.I don't know how much my situation mirrors yours but if it does you have to realize it is not about taking sides or choosing it's to know when to stand up to your mum when she is out of order (and equally the same rule for your bf) but if you don't say anything to your mum just because you think it's my mum then that is what hurts the most as because that is the attitude my ex took I felt unsupported , alone and that she did not care and felt like I was being ruled by her mother, it was me who said sorry every time and just felt worn out and defeated. The very fact that he gets the chance argue with your mum frequently starts sounding like more of a three way relationship. I hope you can sort it out but by the sounds of it I don't think he will change his mind.
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