A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years now, and in the last few months he's been making comments that have made me think he is getting annoyed at the fact I am quite shy.I've always been that way - I was seriously shy as a child and now I can still be a little quiet and awkward around people I don't know, although I'm usually fine once I get to know people and most people seem to like me once they get to know me too.Anyway, last night at dinner with his whole family we were talking about the night we met and he said I sounded mad on the phone the next day when he called to ask me out. I told him I was just a bit shocked at first because most people text these days instead of calling (FYII didn't think him calling was a bad thing at all, I actually thought it was very gentlemanly) and he said 'it's because your people skills are rubbish'. I was really quite hurt by that, mainly because it hit a nerve - I know I'm shy and although I'm miles better than I was I'll never be an extrovert, but also because he said it in front of his entire family which was embarrassing. Another similar thing happened when he was finishing up work one night a few weeks ago (he tutors from home). He was still in the study with the person he was teaching when I arrived at his house, so I went in to the kitchen to start making dinner. He eventually came out of the study and I could hear him in the hall talking with the child and his mother (who had both been in the room with him) about the boy's progress so far. When they left, he came through to the kitchen and asked why I'd been so anti-social by not coming out to chat with his clients. I tried to explain that I didn't want to intrude while he was working but he was mad at me. In all honesty I didn't even think of going to talk to them as I didn't see the situation as a social one - he was technically at work. But he's adamant I was really rude by not doing so.It seems that he thinks I don't know how to behave socially and he is getting irritated by me. He is very extroverted so the only thing I can think of is he is embarrassed of me because I'm not the life and soul of the party like him.I can't work out why this is all of a sudden an issue for him because I have always been this way? And is there anything I can do to get over my shyness to stop this affecting us any further?I always felt I'd made lots of progress by forcing myself to talk to people and come out of my shell, but it's obviously still affecting how I come across. I still often panic that people think I'm weird (I got called that a lot in primary school since I was so quiet) so these comments have knocked me for six a bit.Any advice would be great, thanks :)
View related questions:
at work, shy, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): I could have written this question myself! I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and i am also really shy. I get tired of being told 'you are really quiet'. It is like they they they are telling me some startling revelation. I think people sometimes get uneasy about someone who is quiet and doesn't have to say everything that pops into their mind. I am in my late 20's and i still get it to this day 'Why are you so quiet'. I think some people think i am rude or stuck up too because i am quiet. My boyfriend is used to it. He knew very early on that i was shy and quiet. Thankfully he is a little bit the same. Im never going to be one that can make small talk with people I don't know. This is something you boyfriend has no right in critiquing you on now after all this time. He knows who you are. You dont need to change who you are or try to be less shy than you are. It is not something that you can change overnight. Being forced out of your comfort zone isn't going to help you. You were not being rude in the slightest by not interrupting his tutoring session to say hello. He should have gone to introduce them to you if it is a big deal. The dig at you at dinner with his family was inconsiderate. It sounds like he might have been trying to make himself look good in some delusional way. I am shy, but i have people skills and i would think you would do. Just because you are shy and quite doesn't mean you don't have people skills. I can talk to people just find but i just cant do small talk with people i dont know and dont like big social situations. Don't let his negative comments affect you.Maybe you need to talk to him to find out what is really going on. He can't just out of the blue suddenly not like it or keep taking digs and calling you rude. good luck
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 Why should you have to work out why he's suddenly changed? After 5 years, presumably he should be able to discuss things with you calmly, lovingly, and rationally. So ask him.
If he gets irate or refuses to discuss it like a grown up, I would tell him that you will give him a chance to pull himself together, think about his response and you look forward to being able to have a calm conversation about it in a day or two.
If he can't manage that, I expect there's something else behind it and you will then have a choice to try to work on the communication.
Sometimes passive-aggressive people can't tackle the real issue head on, and they create situations that put the onus on the other party to respond. In other words, he may be distancing himself from you and has chosen your shyness as the trigger, when in fact, it's been building up for some time.
Just because you are introverted doesn't mean you lack communication skills or backbone. Go get this sorted with him, you deserve better after 5 years, don't you think?
...............................
A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (23 September 2013):
 Quiet people are not weird!! I don't know where people get this stupid notion from! There is too much emphasis on blowing hot air and I don't understand why people have to harp on all the time to be considered cool and normal! If you do not feel like socializing... Don't! Don't let this guy push you further into your shell and make you question yourself! You have every right to be who you are and to do the things that make you comfortable and he unfortunately can be supportive or he can zip it!
You are right hun... 5 years later he suddenly is annoyed by your lack of people skills? Come on... perhaps he has something else bothering him and he is not man enough to just SAY IT! Good luck hun and be strong enough to love and support the person that you are! Who are these people that think they have the right to be labeling people! We are not all cut from the same cloth! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 September 2013):
 I don't see why calling is wrong and why you even pointed it out. It doesn't matter what "most" people do, he is not most people to you, he is your BF. So if he calls, why make a big deal out of it? Personally (but take this with a grain of salt because I DO NOT text ) I think calling IS the right thing to do if you want to talk to someone.
I have to agree with you that you not going in and "socializing" when he was having a student/mom in for a chat about the students progression. I would not have though it was a social situation either, HE could have walked them out into the kitchen and introduced YOU if he felt they needed to get to know you. I don't think YOU did anything wrong there AT ALL. They were in the study, not the living room. Study ( I presume) is where he works with students, so for you to assume he was working is quite normal. I think I would tell him that you have to agree to disagree.
As far as you feeling panic about how people might perceive you, well your BF sure isn't helping. Not everyone are extroverts, and that is OK. I'm sure when he met you at first he liked you for you, not because eh thought he could turn you into his own clone, right?
As for you forcing yourself to talk to people, that is a good thing IF you are OK with it. I'm an introvert too and I have had to do the same. I take a little longer to warm up to strangers then the average bear. That is just who I am. And trust me, I have friends who thought I was stuck up, arrogant, weird before they got to know me, these are people I have know over 20 years. I take being called "weird" as a compliment. Because honestly, if they are so busy judging you they aren't exactly trying to get to know YOU either, are they?
I think you should TALK to him about it. I think it's a very interesting question you put forth, WHY does it bother him now? No one but him can answer that.
Also do you have any hobbies that your BF doesn't share? As in taking classes with a bunch of strangers? If not, go for it if you have the time. I think it might be easier for you to work on your social skills if you don't feel like he is monitoring your progress (so to speak) and that you can go at your own pace.
I don't think your shyness is the main thing that is affecting your relationship. I think he has some unrealistic views of who you SHOULD be or how you SHOULD act.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): You guys have been together for 5 years. That's a long enough time to get over people's habits and mannerism. You said this has been going on for only a few months. Do you think maybe someone approached him and said you were rude? Why is he getting his panties in a knot all of a sudden? Has he been stressed and is thus taking things out on you? Your boyfriend is being inconsiderate. He should know you after 5 years that you don't mean to come off or even seem rude. People simply misinterpret your quietness for bad manners or a bad personality. Be honest with him. Him being angry at you and forcing you out of your comfort zone is a NO. If he complains and pleads his selfish case that you make him look bad or whatever, drop him.
...............................
|
