A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner over four years though we have had many ups and downs, primarily because I feel he doesn't want commitment. He says he is committed to me, wants no one else yet he doesn't want marriage and evades the topic of moving in together. He did move in with me two years ago but four months later moved out, I feel his main priority has always been his parents. His mother died eighteen months ago and since then he has said he has to be there for his father, he visits me a couple of times a week while remaining there, despite having two sisters who live very close by, even before he comes to my house and I make him tea he cooks for his father. While at times we are incredibly close and we both I feel love each other every few weeks/months I'm triggered and my negativity comes back about commitment.I have a friend I've known thirty years, she has never held down a job for long and now at forty nine is on full benefits including disability, though this doesn't stop her going out every weekend to gigs, concerts and pubs and her extra money is because of "long term covid " she has met several men and tells me they all tell her she is wonderful and beautiful blah blah. The latest one who is her boyfriend after a week was going to buy a two bedroom house after his second divorce but with now meeting her wants a bigger one for their combined families.I work incredibly hard and while I don't envy her life and constant conveyor belt of men I resent the fact he will not give me any commitment, coupled with he was married a few years ago and I feel did very much commit and give her what she wanted I haven't spoken to him in two weeks, even passed him in the street two days ago and I carried on walking, our plans to spend a few days together at Christmas gone because I won't reach out to him and I know he won't What do I do, let go and move on? I feel this will always be the crux of our difficulties
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christmas, divorce, her ex, money, move on, moved out Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Robert Brockway  +, writes (2 January 2022):
This may not be about commitment. There is something else going on here that very few people are talking about.
Increasing numbers of men are avoid cohabitation with women for a variety of reasons. They want female company but past experiences (and knowledge of what has happened to other men) make them keep their distance.
Given the circumstances many men find themselves in their choice to avoid cohabitation is entirely rational.
Good luck however you choose to proceed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2021): He hasn't dumped me and he is angry because he has his side to the story and my take on it was always going to render the opinions given. As for kind people giving advice, let's be very clear I don't personally ask anyone to take the time to reply and the fact people do has the element of it making them feel they are doing something positive, I know as I have given advice on here. There are some kind thoughtful responses of which I'm grateful for the advice and there are others who are far from kind, more condescending and judgemental, much like your response anon.As has been agreed before on here advice is often given with limited information, he was angry but he is now absolutely fine and we are enjoying a few days off together.Merry Christmas to most of you who have posted your response x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2021): Just goes to show you should think carefully before posting and asking kind people to give you free advice. Posting and then wishing you had not is dumb. I cannot see how your boyfriend is angry about the post anyway, very few people know about this site and there was nothing in the site that pointed the finger at him personally, no name and no details that are so specific people who know him could recognise him. Perhaps he has dumped you and you want to believe it is because of the post - but I
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 December 2021):
 OP, unfortunately only the site owner can delete your question, and he hasn't been around lately.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2021): Please delete this question I'm the OP and my boyfriend is really angry I've posted this
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2021): It seems to me he has made his decision about any further commitment abundantly clear. He moved-out; and ever since, seems to be drawing all the more distant. The more you press him for a commitment, the more he pulls away. I will assume you want more than just living together; you want him to marry you.
By all indications; you want and need him, more than he wants or needs you.
He seems happy just having a perpetual girlfriend. Pressuring a divorcee over 40 to marry, or seriously commit somehow, is a challenge beyond all challenges. He's been down that road, and it didn't work-out. Moving-in was at least a trial-commitment, but I presume that didn't workout for him either. He feels his parents needed him more than you do. So there's your answer; he has set his priorities, but you didn't make it to the top of his list. In my opinion, moving-out is letting you know he doesn't need, or want, anything that permanent.
I think he's weaning you off the relationship, by using distance. Letting you cling until you finally give-up in frustration. That minimizes having to experience all the drama in-person, you face your emotions alone, and he has a built-in excuse/escape. He runs off to take care of his aging widower-father. How do you compete or argue with that, without looking selfish or insensitive? He knows you've invested too much to let-go, just like that! Otherwise, he's counting on you to just settle-down; and let things continue like they are. He prefers living apart. He wants to live with, and care for, his father. Leaving you the options to let the relationship remain as it is; or you can decide to let it go.
"What do I do, let go and move on?"
How long can you hold-on? How much pressuring are you going to apply before you realize he's got a head-start, and he has already prepared to let-go?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2021): Please delete this question, I'm original poster and I don't want this to remain public viewing
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (25 December 2021):
 It doesn't seem like you two want the same things. You can love someone but they are not right for you. It sounds like cracks in your relationship ate getting eidet. You have not spoken in 2 weeks and passed on the street and did not speak? It sounds like things are already over and I think you know this. Maybe its time to just accept that you want whay he doesn't and waiting around isn't going to get you what you need and want. if it was me I would wish him well and move on. Too many people in the world to be waiting for him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2021): After four years, and in your forties, if you're not living together, you never will. Tell him how you feel, give him a couple of weeks to reflect on it, and if nothing drastic changes then move on.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 December 2021):
 You need to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. It sounds very much like it could be.
From your post it sounds like your boyfriend is happy with you as long as you don't demand anything "permanent" from him. As soon as you start making waves, he punishes you by giving you the silent treatment.
This will carry on as long as you choose to allow it. Decide what is more important to you: this "love" you feel you share or a commitment. The answer to your question will then be self-evident.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 December 2021):
 I think you need to accept that he will NEVER fulfill your needs.
And I think you need to accept that the relationship is over. You are NOT his GF. You have been his "companion" or perhaps a sort of FWB, but never someone he wanted to BE with.
I can understand that after his mom's death he wants to be sure his dad is going to be OK on his own. I think moving in with his dad is a bit over the top, but he might feel obligated to be the caretaker (more than the sisters) and I think it's nice that he wants to make sure his dad is OK.
With that said, I also see this is a great "excuse" for him to withdraw from you when you get too "demanding" or want more than he is WILLING to give.
He has been married before and doesn't want to do that again. YOU want marriage, you want to cohabit. HE doesn't.
YOU two are NOT compatible long-term. He knows this, you haven't wanted to accept that.
I think you should wish him well, and move on.
When you are ready to date again, look for someone who has the same goals when it comes to living together and marriage.
Good luck and Merry Christmas.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2021): He is entitled to decide he does not want to get married or move in with someone. In which case there is no point to discussing it. Why would he waste his time discussing it when the answer is still going to be no? Do you think you can wear him down and insist? You do not seem to be at all concerned that he is happy or true to himself. If I were him I would dump you for not listening to what he says.
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