A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony Aunts/uncles, forgive me if I seem judgemental. I grew up with a depressed mother and a father who was avoidant and often would ignore my mother's contacts and according to her had some affairs. This would make her an anxious mess. We as children would internalise this. As an adult, I really feel uneasy being close friends with people who unstable, substance dependent or have depression, all the characteristics I saw in my parents I see again. I keep discovering close friends of mine have depression or down periods. I'm wanting to be a supportive friend, but many of them refuse therapy or do anything to treat the cause of their depression. Instead, they want to talk for hours about how everything is wrong in their world. I find it draining and often it takes away all my energy as I try and turn around their problems and help them see the potential and privilege they have. Deep down I see their behaviour as a form of self-absorption but rather than seeing themselves as the best in the world, they think all the problems in the world are due to them.Is it selfish of me to want to mostly be close with people who are stable and don't treat their depression or mental health issues? I'm a sensitive person and when a person is swimming in dark water, my natural reaction is to want to jump in and redirect them to safer tides. I also feel that the much needed mental health discussion is abused by some people to justify being flake-y and unreliable on their own terms. I've seen people who use vulnerability and instability to manipulate situations, I feel that this hurts the mental health discussion by triviliasing what having these illnesses does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2021): I agree with Wiseowl. I used to listen to everyone's problems for hours on end. It's exhausting mentally and it's time consuming - it is also very , very boring and the person who is doing it always comes across as self centred, as if theirs are the only feelings and needs that matter, it does not matter if you feel bad or your life is not perfect, so long as you sit and listen to all of their miseries for as long as they want when they want. I had so much of it it interfered big time with my life timewise. It also got me that many of these people would mix with friends and have social events and leave me out but rush to me when they want to moan about their husband again or whatever. As though I was not good enough to socialise with but perfect for when they have a verbal diarrhea session again. My solution was to become a qualified therapist. Now I only listen if the person is paying me and has made an appointment. But if I bump into a stranger somewhere and they start this stuff - which happens a lot - I walk away. I don't owe them a thing. Would they help me if I needed help? No. Did I go there for that purpose? No. It might be a dinner and dance, something which is supposed to be fun! You are entitled to decide who you accommodate and who you do not, whether it be a stranger or someone you know or family, and you do not need to explain it and justify it and ask permission, you know how you feel, you know how it will affect you, you know if you have time. Sometimes it is also best to be cruel to be kind as people who do this a lot feed off of it and do it more if they get their way. It's a bit like giving an alcoholic a case of whisky, he will come back for more when he has guzzled this one.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2021): Being empathetic myself, I find myself pulling away once people start down the dark path. Compassion makes me want to help people, sometimes going beyond the call; but I've learned the hard way, that I sometimes need to pull-away. Before I find myself drowning in their pool of self-pity; and tainted with cynicism, or pessimism. They're seeking people to become emotionally-dependent (or co-dependent) upon; or someone willing to cater to their self-absorption. You can't keep that kind of company around you; or you'll find yourself lost in darkness, and depressed without exactly knowing why. It drains the light from your soul, and kills the spirit.
People in need of therapy and mental-health counseling, but won't get it; often prefer seeking sympathy, or someone to use as a whipping-post. They don't want to deal with their issues head-on, they don't like being forced to look at the truth; and they avoid taking any proactive steps toward healing. That's too much work! They just need somebody to lean on, or a shoulder to cry on. Somebody to shut-up and listen. I'll do that, until I can't.
Sometimes they think they can get by just having someone's sympathy to manipulate; and having around-the-clock access, to monopolize your time with venting their problems. They tend to be very selfish, and everything revolves around their sorrows and unhappiness; while they never seem to care to hear what's happening in your life.
They might even feel you're putting them down, or rubbing their nose in their misfortune; if you dare to speak of anything good happening in your life. When you try to uplift them, they'll shoot your suggestions or advice down; making you feel as if you're out-of-touch with reality, for being optimistic, or having a more positive outlook on things.
I'm a Christian, I read my Bible, and I pray a lot; and it helps me in ways I can't always explain. My faith takes a ton of weight off my shoulders. I'll try share the good news; but if you don't care to hear about it, no worries! Meanwhile; then don't suck all the light out of my soul with your self-pity and pessimism. I'll pray for you all the same!
There should only be guilt, when you become apathetic, heartless, or self-absorbed to the degree you don't care about anybody else. You can't bear the burden of everyone's sorrows on your shoulders; that's what Jesus promises to do, and what you pay a therapist to do. A friend offers you a listening ear, a strong shoulder, and a loving heart; but we have our human limitations.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 December 2021):
 Your post rang so many bells with me, it could have been me writing it. I 100% understand what you mean and where you are coming from. You have put into words what I have been feeling for years.
Over the years, I have come to realize, and accept, that, while we all have "down periods" (good description), some people cope with them much better than others. Also some people feel a need to talk and involve other people, while others choose to internalize their feelings and cope as best they can on their own. (Like you, I am one of the latter.) One of the problems with being one of the latter type is that people just assume you are "strong" and never have any problems whereas, in fact, you have as many as anyone else but just do not share.
I have learned that you can be supportive without trying to "fix" things for people. Many of them just want someone to listen and to hold their hand (metaphorically speaking) while they find their way to a better place. Many don't actually want input, just someone to walk with them through their "down period". If you are a natural "fixer" (many people are, especially men), then it can go against all your instincts to just stand back and not try to "help" someone who is having difficulties in their life. However, once you learn that you can listen and just sympathize without trying to suggest "fixes", it is far less draining. You are obviously a caring person but this, in itself, can drain you. Sometimes you need to put yourself first and disconnect yourself from other people's problems, knowing you cannot heal them.
I find a good way of dealing with these situations is to listen, ask neutral questions like "What makes you feel that way?" and end up with "I am so sorry you are going through this. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help."
Try to keep in mind that SELF care is just as important as care for others. Also that everyone has their own way of trying to cope with challenges in their life.
Look after yourself.
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