A
female
age
41-50,
*am_1977
writes:My boyfriend of eight years is not affectionate and will only kiss me before sex (less than once a month, he has a much lower sex drive than me!). If I try to initiate affection he recoils. I do love him very much and he always makes me laugh. We are compatible in every other way. He is a kind and good person. We are thinking about children and this I think has made me question whether this is the future I want.I recently had a very brief affair for the first time, and it only served to highlight further what is missing from the relationship. If I stay with him, I see a future of laughter and companionship but without much sex and no affection. If I leave, I might never find someone I like as much.
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affair, sex drive Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sam_1977 +, writes (15 June 2008):
sam_1977 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all who kindly took the time to offer advice and opinions, I appreciate it a lot.
The advice to talk was sensible. I am not too worried about the sex side, because I think these things can always be resolved and addressed even though the chemistry has never been brilliant. Would it shock you to know that I have never seen my boyfriend naked in all this time? He is extremely reserved by nature.
Lack of sex just means another loss of opportunity for affection, intimacy and bonding. The guy who wrote about the 'horses being out of the barn' hit the shameful nail on the head - it's true. This whole situation has been brewing for some time, I was (am) desperate for some intimacy.
It wasn't clear in my original post but we have talked extensively (in the past and now) about the affection side of things.
The truth of it is that he is not that way inclined - which I can actually understand. He does love me very, very much. Unfortunately (we both agree), you can't force someone to become more affectionate or loving if that is not what feels natural to them. And, in fairness, I won't be happy in a relationship where I think he is fulfilling a dutiful quota/rota(!) of hugs/kisses under duress.
I want a partner to feel passionate/caring enough to desire it for themselves and a partner who I feel finds me attractive.
It's an extremely sad situation but I think we can all see the writing on the wall....better put those eggs in the deep freeze, eh? Thanks again everyone.
A
female
reader, peace-and-love +, writes (8 June 2008):
This may not be the best advice, but I consider sexual compatibility as important as personality. Think about how you feel at the moment as he rejects you when you try and kiss him, and think about how that would be forever. I know you would have companionship but is that enough to have children and raise them in happiness?
His low libido, as other people have said, may be a medical problem, but I would advise talking frankly to him about it and how it makes him feel. If he promises to change and says that he is sorry, then by all means go to your doctor and see if there are any treatments he could get, but if he just shrugs it off and says it's not important then maybe you should think more seriously about your future.
I know how horrible it can be to have mismatched sex drives, and I'm sorry you feel this way. Good luck sweetheart :)
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A
male
reader, koga 777  +, writes (8 June 2008):
listen it must be hard on you but having affairs are never the way to go i would try and talk to him about it.if things dont change then im afraid this relationship may not work out he isnt filling a need that you have.and as someone who is very wise put it "if this isnt the guy that really rocks your world then dont commit"as in you may want to see other people and find that person you connect with on every level.but please do try and work it out first.
-michael
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (8 June 2008):
 You seemed to pass over the affair part without much comment. What were the details of that? It seems the horses are already out of the barn.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2008): Have you discussed this with your boyfriend?
Maybe he can use a natural supplement to increase his libido? This could change everything and you might have a satisfactory sex life.
I do suggest that before you just move on or consider any flings, try and resolve this with your boyfriend, if all else fails, get some professional help. There might be various reasons for his low libido.
Do not just give up on an otherwise healthy and happy relationship.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2008): I am in a very similar situation to you. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we are perfect for each other in so many ways. We get on so well and can talk for hours without even trying and our sense of humour is exactly the same! But I have lost all romantic feelings for him, and sex (and even just kissing) feels like a chore. I have recently cheated on him, and like you it only emphasized that I definitely can't continue in my relationship as I am looking for something more. I am going to end things with him. All I can suggest to you is to try talking to him and explain that you don't feel satisfied, perhaps seek counselling and work on fixing the problem. Otherwise if thats not going to work I would just move on... Otherwise there will be the temptation to cheat again, and you won't be getting any happier....
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