A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so i have been with my bf for two years now, he has a 4 yr old of his own and i have a 6 and 8 yr old. My bf takes his son every weekend and whenever his son is here i dread it, i know i sound horrible but i treat all children the same so if my kids are not allowed to do something then he shouldnt be allowed either. Anyways his son has no manners whatsover, he snatches, pushes, bites, throws dirty looks and gets away with murder, my kids are so good with him they go out of their way to make him feel part of the family but he just carrys on being bold.His dad lets him get away with anything coz he dont wanna be the baddie yet he will shout at my kids for stupid things. For example this weekend was my nephews christening, he and his son were invited yet my children werent invited to his nieces christening so i refused to go with him and his son. Anyways we got to the christening and his son was shouting in the church and when told to be quite he gave everyone dirty looks to which his dad thought it was funny, when we got to the party he was pushing and punching people, he was jumping all over the furniture in the venue, when i pointed this out his dad replied "wow look at him jump" he thought he was great, he punched my sister he growled at my mother and bit my sons shoulder, when my son finally had enough of being bitten and punched he told my bf and my bf told him off for telling tales saying hes only 4 so again his son got away with it. We all had to leave early coz his son was getting cranky, so as i was saying my goodbyes i turned around and my bf was waiting in the car he never said goodbye to anyone or thanked my sister for the invite etc, my family were not one bit impressed with him or his son, When we were driving home his son was playing on his ds but my son has a 3ds and his son screamed the place down coz he wanted my sons ds, in the end he just gave it to him to shut him up. Half hour later my son said i want mine bk now and my bf son screamed again and had a tantrum, my bf got angry with my son and said why cant he just play with it my son said coz i want it now so my bf snatched it out of his sons hand and gave it to my son but was angry with me and my son for not letting his son get his own way, so in a rage he drove home nearly crashing twice...When we got home i got the kids ready for bed and said they could stay i have 4 beds excluding my own so his son had a pick of the beds but i said nobody is sleepin in my bed, my daughter had just asked and i said no coz i was out the previous night and only got 3 hrs sleep so i needed a good nights sleep. so his son kicked up war screaming the house down (my neighbours have a new born) and protested that he was sleeping with his dad i put my foot down and said no way (he kicks when he sleeps with ue he gave me 2 bruises the last time) i was adament so my bf got angry with me shouting at me so my kids could hear, he said why cant he just sleep there and i said coz ive said no and im not gonna say no to my daughter yet say yes to your son, he said fine we will sleep on the couch, so his son started giving me dirty looks and smirking. I had enough and said ur his dad not his friend put ur foot down and tell him to sleep in one of the 4 beds, i said he gets away with everything once he starts the water works my bf went nuts and packed all their stuff and let slamming my door behind them. That was on saturday ive not heard from him since and i havent tried to contact him either i think his son has spoilt brat syndrome he is so spoilt and rules dont apply to him whereas my kids have to be good to get treats and get disciplined when they do wrong , i really dont know what to do my kids said last night that they are sick of it all the fighting and his son being allowed to do what he wants, and now my family dislike him and my bf what should i do? I think im probably better off single coz being with this man is a constant drama and hes always right, i feel now maybe i should have just let him sleep in the bed, do u think i was too harsh saying no?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 September 2012):
 Hi again, I realise you posted your update 2 days ago, but just want to say I still believe you did the right thing, what a disgusting thing he said to your son, trying to make him feel bad about you and him fighting.
Stick to your guns, this man is not the type you want in your children's lives .... take care, and good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2012): hi again everybody and thank you all for your input, ive had war with him again, he said my son was in the wrong just as much as his son for distracting him while he was driving even thou all he did was say he wanted it back, he then said that i could of interviend and asked his on to give it back but my point was his son doesnt listen to me, he said my son could have taken it off him to which i said "if he did that you would tell him off" so we were rowing on the phone and he kept saying my son should have held off til we got home coz he was distracting the driver and he knew that was wrong, so he was on the phone to my son and the first thing he said was "me and your mum are fighting over you and your ds" so i got angry and we had more words and i hung up. He persisted in texts saying that im bullying his son and im just trying to get one over on him and my kids arent perfect his son is only 4 etc, he said i am a childish, selfish, irresponsible mother (because i actually went out for the first time in months, which is not acceptable coz i have 2 kids) all i care about is my friends and i dont care about spending time with him or his child. (i spend all my weekends with him!!! actually missing out on various things with friends) i dont put in any effort to make him feel loved and im ruining his confidence even though all the insults come from him. he kept trying to lighten the mood by messing at the end of his texts but afer him calling me a bully and saying that to my son i wasnt in form to mess back im still too angry over it all, so i said you think im such a crap person im sick of all the names you call me and all this just because i wouldnt let your son sleep with us, to which he replied "i guess your starting to come to terms with what a let down you have been, add that to ur list too, lol stop playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourself. So at that i changed my number, and blocked him from my emails etc, I cant believe he said i was a let down all because i said no to his son, yeah i understand that it would have been easier to give in and let him sleep there but i didnt want him to, he reckons he said he only wanted to settle him there for 10 mins but i never heard that all i heard was sleep so i kept saying no, there just no reasoning with him
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 September 2012):
 He didn't realise it was a big deal until now? So he isn't any smarter than his four year old son? He needed all the grown ups around him to spell it out?
This follow up does nothing to change my mind about your ex. It doesn't redeem him at all. My advice remains the same.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 September 2012):
 Of course he is making YOU out to be the bad guy... It's MUCH easier then owning up to him NOT teaching his son manner or disciplining him when he IS out of order..
TYPICAL passive-aggressive behavior.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012): [Rude – no basic manners]“…my bf was waiting in the car he never said goodbye to anyone or thanked my sister for the invite etc.”[Temper – no sense of fairness]“…my bf snatched it out of his sons hand and gave it to my son but was angry with me and my son for not letting his son get his own way, so in a rage he drove home…”[Immature – can’t resolve conflict, can’t cope]"...my bf went nuts and packed all their stuff and left slamming my door behind them."[Approval – looks for backup]“…if i have a problem with it i should speak to his mum…”[Excuses – justification for bad behaviour]“…I treated him like crap coz I didn’t kiss him all day…”[Insincere – trivialises wrong doing]“…him saying sorry my son punched u at the christening I didn’t realise it was a big deal til now... Like father, like Son; the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. Here you have a clear picture of where his son gets his behaviour from, and what it will be like in the future. If your boyfriend has his Mother as the primary carer; you can forget any sort of corrective behaviour or support! She’s either biased, blind and in denial like her son. Where do you think children learn all this from if not from our parents and society etc.Remember; you can’t reason with an obnoxious child, a drunk or an idiot… Look after your own Family first, lay the rules down and don’t settle for dysfunctional rude manners from anyone. You’re doing brilliantly, keep it up!
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (25 September 2012):
Re read all the answers, you are not a cruel cow, you did the right thing, he didn't. Don't let him back until he grows up, its not fair on your kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): If I were in your position I would've thrown out father & son, I don't know how you put up with that you're very patient, but I think it won't work long term, imagine if your bf were to live with you? the kid would come over much more frequently and your parenting style is very different,you should put your children first and this man would not treat your kids the same he treats his son. Your bf is as spoiled as his son.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): Well hes just after making contact with me saying i was out of order basically for not letting him settle his son for 10 mins he said he never shouted at me or snapped and that he told his son off when he was bold, i said everything that annoyed me and he got smart saying not to tell him how to raise his kid and if i have a problem with it i should speak to his mum, and that i treated him like crap coz i didnt kiss him all day, that im basically picking on his son and i was mean for not letting him sleep when he was tired. My sister who got punched recieved a msg off him saying sorry my son punched u at the christening i didnt realise it was a big deal til now...Thats what he calls an apology, it wasnt just about her getting hit , it was about the overall behavior and the way he reacted to me saying no, hes making out like im a right cruel cow
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (24 September 2012):
His son is obviously an unhappy kid, but you're not the cause and you're not in a position to fix it, so it's best to have nothing to do with them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 September 2012):
Oh holy terror!
I agree with Auntie Bim Bim.. Change the locks and hope to goodness the dude doesn't show up anytime soon.
And STOP second guessing yourself. The NO, to sleeping in the beds was fine, his DAD needs to GROW the HAY HAY up and BE a DAD, not a Buddy or Partner in Crime.
One thing though, 4 year old kids do love to test their limits, but if NONE are given then they will go further and further and that seems to be JUST what this little kid did.
The Dad only sees him on week-ends I assume, and thus think he can be the COOL parent who doesn't tell him no EVER.. Maybe that is why he isn't with the Mom any more either? I'm guessing he is not very mature. You don't really have to be mature to make a child or father/mother one. But to actually RAISE a child you need a little maturity and this guy... has none.
Anyhow, I hope you don't let him back in your life, BUT.... if you do he needs to learn how to parent and there HAS to be some ground rules for HIM and the Kid.
There is NO way I would let a BF yell at my kids. Yes, my kids would have to accept whomever I'm dating and yes after 2 years he would be able to discipline my kids BUT within reason. And certainly not to such an extend.
Chin up, you and your children deserve better then that brat-combo there....
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (24 September 2012):
Too harsh?? It's a testament to your patience that you didn't chuck your pinhead ex boyfriend and his asshole son out the window. (Yes, it is possible to be an asshole at such a young age).
I second AuntyBimBim's advice except about the ground rules. You don't need any if you don't take him back. Change the locks at once. Change your phone number and have it unlisted. Delete and block his email address and have nothing to do with him or his family ever, ever again. They are both a threat to the well being of you and your own children.
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (24 September 2012):
Wow you think you were too harsh? I would have taken him and put him on time out or left and threw him in his room for jumping all over like that. He definitly would have gotten a spanking for hurting others. I guess im no nonsense and provide tough love, but how can a kid have empathy for others if they are that out of control to where they are abuising ppl? Id strip his room of toys and teach him things are privledges. My one yr old and two yr old share better and are more gracious than his 4yr old. I think you are better off and so are your kids. Thats just so unfair to them. Besides it sounds like ur bf has some anger issues when confronted about his sons behavior. Maybe he will realize how bad his kid is when he starts school and gets phone calls from teachers regarding his actions. Enjoy your kids and your freedom. You deserve better and so do your kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): I totally agree with aunty bim bim. Your bf is behaviour and attitude towards his sons antisocial behaviour is disgraceful... He is setting his son up for a big fall. School will not permit his son to act like this, neither will anyone else.. So good on you for making a stance, dont flatter now by thinking your in the wrong, your not! Your bf inconsistency regarding disciplining his son will only lead this child into an antisocial teenager.. Should you put up with this, no way...I don't understand why you put up with your bf, I know they say love is blind, but come on, his behaviour and attitude to you are disgusting . I would take this time to rethink what you and your kids want and need, and to make sure that if it is him, then lots of changes need to happen.. As aunty bim bim suggested.. Do not allow him just to walk back in like nothing happened.Take care.
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female
reader, bashful3 +, writes (24 September 2012):
Hi as someone said no you were to harsh you need to set some ground rules like someone else also told you do you need all the drama I say no and nobody is always right come on.He has a spoiled son and lets him get away with things which is not right look at your kids what they have said this is not helping them its not I myself ended an 8 month realtionship with my ex last August I have an now 19 year old handicapped daughter he was demanding plus jealous I would do things not to cause an argument sometimes I would say its not good just stressful.Doesn't he see how his son is going to be does he go to school yet oh my God and repsect needs to be understood also I say live him alone do you again need the drama no not to me how long have you been going with him if I may ask and for your boyfriend not to even thank your niece and others just rude I see its been 2 years you have been going with him how have you taken it he is encouraging him sure is.I say leave him alone oh by the way I am now dating someone else who is very nice and more my type no my ex does not like it mind you his brother lives downstairs same apartment building I do and comes down at times I have to see him which does not help my boyfriend is my neighbor under us him and his mom who lives with him are both nice.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (24 September 2012):
You are best off without him honestly. Look at the stress and strain it's been giving you and your children. Your boyfriend does not seem to have any great qualities and if you are going to be bringing children up together, you need to be using the same rulebook.
So you do right, do not contact him and if he gets back in touch, be strong and tell him it's over.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (24 September 2012):
 You were right to say no to him. It's your house and he and his dad must respect your rules. His dad is indeed trying to be his friend and not his dad, and ironically his son will respect him less for this. You have done the right thing in not contacting him. Your boyfriend's behaviour is unacceptable and is probably one of the reasons why his son is so badly behaved. Will your boyfriend be able to change his parenting skills? I doubt it. I've never seen anyone change that much.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (24 September 2012):
As I was reading your question all that was running through my head was OMG why is she putting up with this person, and then I got to the big where big brat took his little brat and stormed out. What a relief, but quick! Change the locks before he decides to come back.
Don't let him back in without some ground rules being laid, if he cant control himself and his obnoxious child for a weekend, send him away to positive parenting training or something, and keep the doors shut!
You were NOT too harsh, the problem here is your boyfriend, not his child, the kid acts like that because he is permitted to do so, your boyfriend encouraging him is not helping the boy, but only making it worse.
If he does come back make sure he understands your children and their belongings are to be respected, by him and his child.
Something tells me this man is not mature enough to behave as an adult in this situation, I may be wrong, but I don't think so. If you love him let him woo you .... for at least 6 months. If he can't get his act together in that time he never will.
Good luck!
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