A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 2 years and I have been talking about moving in together in the next few months. We've already put deposits down on some bigger furniture items. We both work full time and last year we started a business together which has been slow to kick off as we don't have the time to devote to it. He's very committed to this business and wants to make it work.Last week he told me that the company he works for is shutting down and so in a month he'll be without a job. His solution is that he is going to look for a part time job and use the rest of his time to build up our business. This is not the way I'd do it but I realise that we're not the same person and that he's very passionate about making the business work.Then, the other day he decides to tell me about his financial situation. To my shock and horror I find out that he's got $25,000 in credit card debt. I owe nothing on my credit card and I only spend what I have (the card is for emergencies only). So to me this is unbelievable. What's worse is that he can't really tell me how he managed to get into so much debt...apparently it happened over a few years.He's got some real estate which he's put on the market and if it sells he says that he'll pay off the debt and have some money left over for saving towards our future home.I appreciate his honesty and telling me all this before we made any big steps. Despite this, I'm feeling worried and unsure about our future together. I told him that I won't move in with him until he has another job. The bigger worry is the debt. It may be paid off soon but it worries me in that it may hide some qualities of his that I didn't know about and that could hurt us and our relationship in the future. (i.e. overspending, living beyond your means).What should I do?This is not something to break up over but I just don't feel comfortable in making more future plans when I know his financial situation isn't the best.Am I setting myself up for disaster?I do love him but I am also protecting myself and thinking of the future.
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (26 July 2011):
 It is smart of you to ask him to see where the money went.
You want to know his current spending habits. The fact that he does not know HOW he got in debt is disturbing.
If he does not know how he got there, how will he know to prevent it from happening WITH you?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the answers guys, you've made me think about the situation more.
I've asked him a few times what he bought to get into such debt and he always gets out of answering the question by saying he's not sure and so on. I told him to get his credit statements which will show him in black and white where the $$ went. I've made a decision to ask him more about this because I feel like I'm in the dark here.
One of you say 'the past is the past' and while I do understand that I'm still concerned.
As for the business, I can't do much about that now. All I can do is go very slowly here and not make any more decisions (financial, moving in etc) before everything is sorted.
Thanks again guys!
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (21 July 2011):
I would insist that he show you all his financial records and put it out all on the table before you make any more decisions regarding your personal life and business ties with him.
As others have mentioned, to reveal this NOW is a big red flag. Does he STILL owe this money and how was the debt inucurred and over what time? What was the debt FOR?
What are his habits now?
You are perfectly right to be upset and put a halt to him moving in without him showing that he is accountable for his past before moving on with a future that includes you.
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 Yeah, i have to agree. I'm not sure that this is the type of guy i would want to set up a business with.
That sort of debt would scare me. I would also try to figure out how or when the debt was built up, and see how much progress is he making on paying it off.
If he's losing his job without a fall-back right now, how does he expect to continue paying that down?
Does he have a plan? As he tried talking to the bank?
I dated a girl with a giant credit card debt, and we went to the bank and they had some great suggestions on how to handle it.
I've never understood the people who get into real-estate when they really can't afford it. Everyone has these visions of easy money that you don't really have to work for. The reality is that it's one heck of a headache!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): I think a lot depends on when the debt was incurred. If most of this was while you were together then it reflects who he still is today. You have the right to be concerned about that.
But if most of this debt existed before you met him then I think you have no right to judge him for that stuff. "The past is the past" isn't it? If women get to pull this card for past actions that their current partner might not like, then I think men are owed the same right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): Two years together and only NOW he reveals this? He kept this from you until AFTER you started a business together? You should have known this BEFORE you became business partners, not just when you are about to set up home together.
This would be a big red flag to me. I think you must tread very carefully, or you may end up being in joint debt with this guy if both your names are on things. Get this debt cleared before you move in together and don't have a joint bank account for your personal stuff. As for the business, are you really sure that you should be in business with someone who ran up that much debt at a rarely youngish age? Do you know exactly how he ran up this debt?
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A
female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (21 July 2011):
Well do you know when the majority of this debt was built up? Was it still building until recently or did it happen a few years ago and since then he's been trying to pay it off? If it was years ago then maybe cut him some slack seeing as he can pay it off. Maybe it happened when he was young and immature and has now hopefully learnt his lesson.
If it was recent or he is still adding to it then you may have more of a problem and I wouldn't recommend setting up any joint accounts yet. Try and find out what he's spending money on, if it is purely luxuries then yeah he has a problem overspending and might do so in the future.
Either way you'll just have to be a little more careful if you're planning to set up a buisness together. Maybe cool it off and slow it down and then observe more carefully how he behaves with money in situations such as putting deposits down. E.g does he give it some serious thought, or rush into it? If you both decide on a budget for something, does he stick to it or go over? Hopefully that will give you some indication of how he will be in the long term future.
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