A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife has pretty much stopped having sex with me over the last few years. She will get physically wet, but she will refuse to have sex with me. I asked her what I did wrong and she said I didn't do anything wrong. I asked her what she did wrong and she said she didn't do anything wrong either. She said sex is awkward and she feels I am being smarmy when I start to get physical. I kept pressing and she admitted she was a victim of sexual abuse. I don't know if this happened when she was little or recently. She won't say anymore to me. In fact, she says she wished she wouldn't have said anything because I am insensitive to it. That couldn't be further from the truth and I told her as much. I told her I love her, but we can't work through problems if I don't know what they are. She will not open up about it and our marriage is deteriorating. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): Its possible that she doesnt want to hurt your ego by admitting that the way you do it (or did it once) reminded her too much of her abuse experience. If she avoids discussing it she doesnt feel safe enough to do so. Its like your partner was in remission when you married her, and now the cancer has returned. Keep in mind you are both suffering, if you complain or demand her cooperate with your efforts to achieve sex, you are in effect acting like its just you that is being deprived and the only cure is sex. If you really care for her give her plenty of physical space. Dont pursue her in any sensual way. Take care not to act like a victim. She is the victim. If she was a quadrapalegic would you be hounding her for sex? No, that would be rediculously insensitive. Treat her as a dear friend who needs you in every way just as much as ever but without sex. Never set up a date that you expect her to put out after... That will deepen her feelings of distrust. Instead set up group dates so she wont feel pressure. Dont offer to abandon her because she is neglecting your needs. If you cant handle it be fair... Give her your blessing/permission to leave the relationship to pursue celebacy. But dont threaten to leave. Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): I have been married to a sexual abuse survivor for 36 years, I read the answers you received up to this point, and I could not agree more with them! Above all, be supportive, be flexible, listen (you can't fix it but she wants you to listen and believe her), and be patient.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): Get professional counseling help, it's the only way. If the first one doesn't help, get another.You can educate yourself, and I'd suggest you start that way.Here is a good reference. I've read it and it started triggering a lot of flags for me in my own marriage."http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933"Be prepared, if you do want to stay with her and succeed in the relationship, she will need to open up, it takes people many years sometimes to fully open up. Why? Because this shit is really traumatic.So, you need to be prepared to be there after she opens up. You might just run away, and she knows that more likely than not. It's one thing if you leave not knowing things, but another altogether if you leave after you know this.My wife and I went through the same thing, it took 4 counselors before she would open up. She was sexually abused in her family, there was physical incest, psychological incest, neglect, multiple rapes, drugs, alcohol, promiscuity followed, alcohol and drug abuse got intense, then she cleaned up had a nice job, to all appearances had it "all together" when we met. Marriage issues followed after we had kids, sex dried up or became rather brief encounters that were very unsatisfying. Our kids started to grow up and she started having nightmares, terrible nightmares.It took many months of counseling and I had to do a lot of self education on top of it. I'm the only one in the world who knows the entire story, not even the counselor knows the worst of it, and me knowing bothers my wife. She put herself at great risk emotionally to tell me this stuff, and told me herself that she would rather have been dead than to have told this, but we were married and had kids and suicide for her was out of the question after we had children (but there was an attempt many years before I met her) and she didn't want me to leave, so she took the risk.Don't judge, the abused person has a very screwed up reality, abuse does that to them.Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): I'm afraid you can't do much but suggest that she go seek therapy.
OP she's probably well aware how this is effecting the marriage and it's most likely just adding to the problem.
All you can do is be supportive and ask her to go seek professional help.
A point of note OP in this kind of situation unless you're a qualified professional there is nothing that you knowing the details will do to fix the situation, so let that side of it go. She'll tell you if and when she's ready. It's not necessary for her to open up about it to you, in fact right now it's kind of none of your business. Saying that, if your marriage is deteriorating because of this then she needs to do something about it and that something is professional help.
You are insensitive to it in a way because how can you be sensitive to something you will never truly experience or understand?
Lead her gently in the direction of getting help. If she won't go get that help then I'm sorry but you'll either have to wait and hope she eventually does or you'll have consider whether you can go on like this. Give it a bit more time, you've been very patient so just keep being patient and completely let the sex thing go for now. Don't try it on with her or initiate anything anymore, of course don't remove all the physical affection but if you coming on to her is making her uncomfortable then just put it on hold.
There is nothing you can do for her, she has to do this herself and she has to want to fix this. Really stop trying to get her to talk about it with you, it will serve no purpose and you hearing the details is not going to ease your mind and there is no response from you that is going to make it a good thing for her to tell you. This is her thing not yours. She has to fix this and if she's unwilling to do that in the long run OP, then you have a choice to make as to whether you're willing to stay in a sexless marriage or whether you need to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): Education is a must when you are the partner of a sex abuse survivor. Education is the ONLY key to understanding and helping your wife. Don't just read a few novels. Properly research the subject. Do it privately. You wife might feel her privacy is being violated if you do any research in front of her.
Go to counselling yourself. You will need it.
You are probably unintentionally triggering your wife. That means there is something you are doing or saying that triggers memories of the abuse. The word 'smarmy' cropped up. That is a clue. If the person who abused her was smarmy, she will be instantly turned off sex if she feels you are being smarmy too. It could be a word or move you have always used. But suddenly in her eyes it has become unacceptable. That can happen. So you have to ask her what it is she finds smarmy. If she tells you, don't respond in a negative way. Just thank her for telling you and drop the subject unless SHE wants to expand on it.
She is telling you that she finds you insensitive because she wants a break from sex but you are still asking. If you can stop asking for sex or even talking about it for now that will be a great help. Don't talk of the marriage falling apart because you aren't getting sex. That will only serve to make her feel trapped and resentful. So it might be 'time out' on the sex front for a while. Hope you can manage that for the greater good!
If you are the same guy who asked about revealing her abuse to her sister. Don't do that. Firstly it is not your right to discuss anyones private conversations without their permission. Secondly your wife will feel you are betraying her trust if you mention this to anyone else. It would be a very negative thing to do. Instead, try and distance yourselves from her sister a little because she is toxic for your wife at the moment.
Things will improve for you and your wife but you have to educate yourself first. Once you know how to handle this situation, you will understand your wife so much better be able to really help her.
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