A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm 53 and my boyfriend is 55, we're both divorced and have been dating for just over one year. We see each other about 4 times a week, talk and laugh a lot and the relationship has been great. However, I say great, but there are obviously issues hence this email. I recently asked him if he would like to move in with me. He said he is happy as things are as everything in his life is great as is. he said he's not ready and it's too far away from his hobby (horse riding). He said he had never given it my thought before. He has always been economical with his emotions and he went on to say, admittedly encouraged by me to be truthful, that he's very fond of me, sometimes feels he loves me and other times isn't sure. To say this was a body blow would be a huge understatement. I stayed calm and said I felt he doesn't fill me with any hope and he replied that if things progress then moving in will come naturally at some point.Part of me does understand this but firstly I cant understand how someone doesn't know how they feel after a year. I know he has absolutely no feelings for his ex, except anger and I don't carry any baggage, but I suppose I feel hurt and silly. Is one year too soon at our age, wouldn't most people know how they felt? Is he stringing me along or am I too expectant?We have met each other's family, been on a couple of holidays together, we are exclusive, very tactile and loving, by his actions you would think he loved me. I'm hurt that he has never considered the thought of us living together and obviously hurt by his inability to commit. I'd like to know if anyone thinks we have a future together.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 November 2016):
 He seems to be happy with just seeing you half off the time and still having his freedom and independence. I think after a year I would be hurt as well. You are not teenagers, you should know at this stage how you feel, the fact that he still has doubts worries me that he is afraid to commit. Not only that but he seems to be settling for a part time girlfriend. If it was me I would want to see progression after a year.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 November 2016):
 I think there are two different issues here.
One is , basically, that you tought he was in love with you- and he told you he is not. You took his loving affectionate ways to mean " I love you " because that's what it means when YOU do the same things- but for him it just means " I am fond of you " " I enjoy spending my time with you " and all sorts of good things, but not THE thing you wanted and hoped him to feel.
I can understand this felt like a big sudden cold shower for you, even if you can't exactly blame people for not having yet fallen in love with you, and I don't even think you can accuse him of leading you on ( he always was
" economical " with emotions and never made any promise ). I have no solution to suggest for that , unluckily- your expectations about the relationship were and are different, I have no idea if and how and when this will change. It surely can change, as he hinted,- or it could stay the same. Up to you if you want to play a waiting game or not.
Then there is the issue of living together; but personally don't think that in this age bracket NOT wanting to live together must mean " I don't love you " or " I am not committing to you " or " I am wasting your time ".
I think there are two kinds of divorced people- those whi, at a mature age, don't miss the ex nor the ( bad ) relationship they had, but, somehow, miss the domesticity, the building up of a common routine, the safety and predictability of having someone who sleeps in. Nothing wrong with that, but... there's also another category of divorced people, and they are those who feel like liberated from a big weight. Elated even !, to be on their own, indulging their own quirks and habits without having to compromise, enjoying their own space , and quiet if they don't feel like
talking. They can do whatever pleases them whenever it pleases them, they do not have to worry about " meshing " their lifestyle and schedule with those of another person, - and yet they do not have to give up anything, affection, sensuality, companionship, because they can offer it and receive it, even quite often , as in your case- just without the drudgery of living together. Sheer bliss, for some people . Which does not make them mean, uncaring people IMO . Just , independent people . Selfish maybe ? Yes; that's a bit selfish for sure, ... but if you cannot be selfish from mid 50s on, WHEN it is your time to put yourself first ? when you are young you live with parents and go by their rules, then you get married, then you raise children, ... and if eventually you find yourself in a place of freedom and personal confort, well, some people LOVE it ( like your bf )- and some other don't ( like yourself ).
All this to say that , even if were much MORE in love than he is, not necessarily he would be thrilled at the idea of living with you, and so early in the relationship,...and with good cause. To YOU living together is the mandatory and inevitable outcome of a happy, well balanced relationship, but you'd be surprised to know how it is NOT for lots of people, at a certain age when you do not have to raise kids together or pool together financial resources or.. have sex twice a day :) In fact, for many people your relationshup would be an object of envy : someone present, attentive and affectionate, with whom you can travel and go out and do stuff.... but not his smelly socks in your hamper or his snores in your bedroom . Sounds perfect :)
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (15 November 2016):
I'm not with the other two aunts on this .. sorry I would be mega hurt if after dating and seeing someone the amount of time yous have .. They used the term " if things progressed " hmm .. I think he's enjoying his freedom of not being in a full relationship while having you to meet his needs .. I think most people know 6 or 8 month in whether this is the person for them
I would try and step back a bit see if this had a reaction .. stop being so available .. at your age or any age really you want to feel that this is going somewhere .. He is very ambiguous regarding it all .. that's the impression I got from your post .. If he's not ready to move in that's fine it's only a year but certainly for me I would need to know that he had feelings .. he's pretty vague
Start having nights out with friends .. being loving with you doesn't mean anything unless he's willing to back it up
And say moving in to soon but of course that would be the ultimate plan as he had feeling .. to say he does but then he doesn't that's wishy washie to me
Just be careful .. as your feelings are important. . step back a little safe guard yourself ..
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (15 November 2016):
I'm not with the other two aunts on this .. sorry I would be mega hurt if after dating and seeing someone the amount of time yous have .. They used the term " if things progressed " hmm .. I think he's enjoying his freedom of not being in a full relationship while having you to meet his needs .. I think most people know 6 or 8 month in whether this is the person for them
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (15 November 2016):
 After being in a failed relationship before I think it's very possible for people to find it hard to fully give theirself to their next partner, almost as if they're trying to protect theirself from a similar experience occurring. I also don't think that 1 year is enough for some people to feel like they're in love with someone else, maybe you've gotten to that point quicker and he's still figuring out where he's up to. He could like you a lot, but it's a big step for some people to declare they're in love with another so I think you need to cut him some slack.
I agree with fishdish saying that things are looking positive, saying he's enjoying how it's going and that moving in is a possibility. Just think for a second, that conversation could of gone much, much worse. He could of just opened up and said things weren't going as he'd hoped and it felt it wasn't going anywhere. So please, try to look for the positives here.
If you're both enjoying each other's company, then why do you need to change things? Moving in togethther is again, a big step for people and he may just be enjoying his own space as much as he enjoys spending time with you. If you're happy with the arrangement, then go with it, if you're not, then tell him.
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (15 November 2016):
 I don't think you should take his slowness as a bad sign. I would focus on the part where he thought everything was going well and he didn't want to change that dynamic. He also said that he could see himself moving forward with you and ultimately moving in. I think if you have a good thing, which both of you seem to agree about, I'd tell him that you want to readdress maybe at the year and a half mark or sometime that is a natural crossroads again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2016): I'm sorry but I don't think this will work out. It's been a year as you said and he should know by now if he loves you or not and whether he wants to live with you. The fact that he told you straight away that he's not sure he loves you basically seals the deal. You don't want to be waiting for another year for his love when you realise that it ain't gonna happen. Move on now and find someone more suited to your long-term goals.
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