A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,My best friend is a female bisexual and she's great, but I have one problem and its the fact that she hates gay men. I'm so fed up with her double standards its drives me up the walls. Sometimes she calls them names like F****t and homo and it upsets me so much because I think I might be gay or bi or whatever, its very confusing really but just the fact that I probably wouldn't be able to talk to her about it makes me secretly mad! Why does she feel its ok to be a lesbian/bi but not ok for guys to be anything gay or bi? Sometimes she admits that's she being a hypocrite but she usually gets over it and goes back to call them names and stuff, I cannot stress how much it upsets me but I don't want to say anything because where I live people are kinda ok with lesbians but not ok with gay men. I know for a fact she'll treat me differently and our friendship wouldn't be the same. Its so unfair but that aside she's one of the best bf I've ever had.please help what should I do? I've had conversations with her where I give her scenarios about me or people she knows being gay and I don't feel very secure about her answers. Most times she says we couldn't be friends anymore and sometimes she says shed still talk to me! Help! What should I do?
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (13 December 2011):
 Even though her bigotry is a double standard, it's a very common misconception that lesbians and gay men get along. Most gay men (I'm friends with loads) can't stand lesbians..they call them dykes behind their backs or little boys, etc. Yes, it's very much the pot calling the kettle black.
I would give this friendship some distance..there will be plenty more females you can be friends with, lipstick lesbian or not. Maybe even get yourself a fag hag. Even when you're (potentially) gay, women are a dime a dozen :).
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): Thanks much for the advice guys, I really appreciate it.
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (12 December 2011):
 You could always start referring to lesbian/bi women as stupid f*in lezbos, dykes, etc. They might get her to notice that she's in the very group (broadly speaking) that she's slamming.
Personally though, like everyone else here, I'd slowly but surely distance yourself from her.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 December 2011):
 Buddy, you can't pick your family but you sure as hell can pick your friends. Unpick this one.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 December 2011):
 It's the infamous battle of vampires vs werewolfs... or in this case lesbians vs gay men. It's unfortunately not uncommon, not that I have done social studies on it, but to my knowledge these two groupings tend to despise each other. And if your friend originally doesn't mind gay men her social circle is putting pressure on her to say what she says and think what she thinks. She's a sheep in other words, but oh so many of the young folks love to follow the herd rather than thinking for themselves.
This friendship can't go on if you can't be who you are with her, you know that. She's not a real friend if she's not a friend of YOURS, but a friend of some fake image you present of yourself. So in the long term, no, it can't work like this.
Take a stance. Act upon it when she talks down on gays. No matter if you are gay or bisexual yourself, you are a man with values and a backbone and you do not agree with her hypocritical and sexist comments. "The one who remains silent agrees", they saying goes. If you do not speak up then you are in silence accepting these comments and agreeing with them. If she is a good person she will respect your opinion and values if you stand up and don't tolerate such comments. Perhaps you can even be a good role model to her, aside from her other lesbian friends, someone who can show her that valuing other humans is important. She is still young, and people can change in their views. My guess she is naive and gullible and a sheep in the herd, and all she needs is someone she cares about who is firm on this, guiding her and telling her that looking down on others based on their sexual preference is not good, and something you take a stance on. Make it clear that if she wants to remain your friend she needs to quit speaking like this in front of you because you can not accept it. She may think what she wishes when around others, but when around you there is a certain standard.
If she can not do this, then in all honesty, is she worth your friendship? Can YOU be friends with someone who discriminates? Especially if it turns out you are gay/bisexual? Set the standard for how your friendship shall be. Don't allow such talk when around you.
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A
female
reader, Auntie Nick +, writes (12 December 2011):
Even if this person is your only friend, you're better off without her. She is a bigot, plain and simple. Furthermore, by hanging out with her, people will assume that you hold the same homophobic views which may be holding you back from meeting better friends. I'm from a small town myself, where GLBT people are not exactly welcome. I made the decision after high school to cut ties with anybody who was racist, homophobic or bigoted in any way and even though I spent a few years with no friends whatsoever, I don't regret it! I have a great circle of open minded friends now whom I love dearly. As far as questioning your own sexuality, your letter doesn't state your location or how old you are, but I suggest finding a local support group for GLBTQ youth or an adult whom you trust. Perhaps an aunt or older cousin? Do you know any gay men whom you trust and look up to? You seem very intelligent and mature. I'm sure that you will have no trouble finding new friends:)Good luck! -Auntie Nick
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 December 2011):
 Distance yourself from this toxic best 'friend' now so you don't have to deal with idiotic hypocrisy and judgmental nonsense. She doesn't sound great to me, she sounds bitter and nasty! She's not friends with you, as you are, she's friends with the image you're projecting to her so you can hang on to the relationship.
I'd just let things go into a hibernation state with her, she'll eventually figure out that you've moved on. If you don't want to be 'outed' as being gay or bi, don't share that secret with her, as you already know how awful she is about that topic.
If she's your only friend, well, it's time to make new ones, isn't it? It'll be for the best in the long run for you. Toxic people like victims, not friends.... and she is toxic.
Be well!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): If she truly deserves the title of "best friend" then she'll accept you no matter what. To me, this is even worse than being straight and saying "if you were gay we couldn't be friends any more", because you're in the same position. You yourself can understand how it hurts when you're called names or treated differently by others because of your sexuality.
Your friend *is* a hypocrite, and to be honest, if she's so shallow that your sexual orientation would change the way she feels about you, she's not worth your time. How would she like it if the roles were reversed? Whatever happens, don't hide who you are (or think you might be) for fear of losing her friendship. There's no need to suffer in silence either when she starts talking like that! Do what's best for you. Much as we like and care about certain people, if they're hurting us in an important way, we mustn't be afraid to voice it - or to walk away. Good luck and take care :)
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A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (12 December 2011):
 I think that as her hate is totally irrational there isn't much you can do. You can't reason with her. You either have to tolerate this bizarre and rude hypocrisy or distance yourself from her for our own peace of mind.
If I were you, I would wait until I was ready, and then come out to her. Then see how she reacts, even though you know it might end the friendship. At least then, you would have an honest relationship and you would each know where the other one stands. You might be more comfortable with yourself then. Good luck to you!
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