A
female
age
30-35,
*upcakefrosting28
writes:I’m finding it hard to break up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years (I’m 20 and he is 22). He is my first love and he is also my first sexual experience. When we first started dating it was pretty rocky. I thought about breaking up with him but my friend told me to give it time and see what happens. I feel like that is what I have done our entire relationship. We have had some really bad fights and we have also broken up a few times. But we always get back together in a few days. Lately we have not been having sex. Apparently it has been 3 months (He counted). He complains about it all the time but I just don’t even want to. I hardly ever get turned on anymore and it always hurts when we try. I know breaking up is the right thing to do since we both aren’t happy with each other right now, but I can’t help feeling this way. I almost feel guilty. Whenever we would fight to the point of breaking up I would just picture him alone and I would get sad for him. I know I shouldn’t do that…I thought maybe since we have been together for so long and the fact that he was my first might have something to do with it. I just feel really lost. I was almost tempted to just give it another month and see what happens. Our 2 year anniversary is like 2 weeks away actually. I really do love him don’t get me wrong. I am just not happy anymore and I feel like I am running out of options with this relationship.
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female
reader, cupcakefrosting28 +, writes (13 December 2011):
cupcakefrosting28 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you everyone for all of your advice. I actually went through with the break up tonight. It hurts so much right now. I will try my best to be strong. I don't think I would have done it if I didn't post this question and read all of these responses.
A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (12 December 2011):
 It sounds like its been over for a little while. You need to find yourself, and end this pain. Really, you will be doing him a favor as well, allowing him to move on and find someone who truly wants to be his girlfriend. If you start to lose your nerve and you imagine him alone, instead try to imagine both of you with other people and actually happy!
Breaking up is hard and there is no painless way to do it. Just treat him with respect and stick to your guns afterwards. Don't call him, don't see him and don't cyber stalk him for at least a few months after you guys split. I believe you can be friendly with exes after, but not right away. You have to allow some time to pass first. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Gofree +, writes (12 December 2011):
Your post struck me. I too am dealing with the shame and guilt as well, only 20+ years later. It is not going to get any better sweetheart. You are in a position of power right now and as much as it is going to hurt you both you need to just break it off. But you have a chance to do it with maturity and grace. Which I did not when I was your age. And I am forever regretful.
He is not right for you. You are missing something emotionally, mentally that he is not giving you. He is not your complete package. It won't get any better. He is who hw is, he won't change especially if he thinks nothing is wrong with him. It could get much worse and you have already wasted enough time on this relaionship.
Two years is enough time to get into a routine. You are so used to being in your routine with your BF that it feels like without it you will be lost. Change your thinking about it. You won't be lost. You will be instead be free.We like the familar and saftey of what we know. Change is hard for human beings. We don't like it and will fight it. But we are only holding ourselves back when we do this. I like the phrase- When one door closes, another one opens. And it is true. I might not happen overnight but it will happen.
Don't worry about your boyfriend being lonely. Trust me. He won't be for long and eventually you will both move on to other relationships. You are actually doing you both a huge favor by ending it as soon as possible. It won't be easy, but it won't hurt forever either.
Perhaps you might think you will never find anyone else. But you are wrong. You will, you are so young. You have the world at your feet. Every decision you make should be about what type of future you want for yourself. Don't ever settle. Don't try to please other people. Because that will only make you feel worse about yourself in the long run.
My advice to you after you end the relationship, is to work on yourself. Forget about guys for awhile. Take the time to heal the former relationship and to love yourself. Build yourself into a strong, confident person. Work on all of your emotional issues. Change what you don't like and strive to be the type of person you want to be. It may be helpful to read some books on getting over shame and guilt. They also have lots of books on getting over a break up as well. Use your resources, our world is full of them. You may have some issues that you may not even be aware of. Keep busy and keep moving,find things that interest you. Do things you always wanted to do. Find yourself.
When you are busy with life. Guess what? Love and life will find you. Once you are healthy again, the world will open up and you will have your choice of anyone you fancy. Trust me. This is very true. But next time end a realtionship when you first feel it is not right. Don't keep making the same mistake and keep holding on to a relationship that is not working. It is great to be giving, but sometimes when we are the giver, the other just takes and it leaves you feeling sad and empty. Find another giver like yourself and you will be more content in your future relationships.
I would be missing out on a wonderful marriage and man, if I would have stayed with my EX. Most importantly I have true love now and it is an awesome feeling. I feel proud that I made the change back then because I would be missing out on a great life right now.
My letter on Dear Cupid is... is 20 years too late to apoligize. Read it. It may help you with your situation. You sound alot like me back then.
I wish you all the best. Believe in yourself, trust yourself and you own feelings. They usually are never wrong.
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A
female
reader, Mrs.P +, writes (12 December 2011):
When everything is telling you to let it go. You should let it go. The longer you stay the harder you are making it to separate. Also it's not fair to him either. Sounds like you love him, but not truly in love with him!
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (12 December 2011):
 The relationship has reached its end I think hunny! You can only do so much. You are not happy, not enjoying being intimate with your bf and it seems you are just holding on waiting for things to change. I would just let it go and see how things pan out! Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): You are very young and this relationship has run its course. It is not about to rekindle no matter how much you wait or hope. Of course you have feelings for him but that doesn't mean you have to spend any more time in a relationship with him. The best thing to do is just tell him that it is time to go your seperate ways. Relationships end and generally for good reason. He will be hurt and you will find that difficult to deal with. But once done, you can move on. It is easy to stick with the status quo because it just comfortable. So be brave - he can go on and find someone right for him and so can you.
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